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Are you a #Girl Dad? Am I?

Wed, 06 Dec 2023 04:45:17 GMT

One fun thing I like to do on the Google search engine is to type in the start of a phrase and watch it fill the rest in for you. I learn so much about what interests people in real time on the internet this way. If major influencers and entrepreneurs and corporations do it, why shouldn’t all of us, the insatiably curious, do it too?

This morning I came across a term I had not heard: (hashtag)GirlDad. “Oh, this should be good,” I thought.

As an advocate for dad’s rights, and for equality (not only to men as co-parents, but for everyone as humans), my curiosity got the best of me. I stood up with my back straight, bent my knees slightly, then leapt into the rabbit hole.

I am working on an essay titled, “Fight Like A Girl.” It’s a play on words. This old saying was used to poke fun at boys who couldn’t do something well, or at least as well as a boy should. The old world shaming phrase of boys, by males, is by default demeaning toward girls. As young males, we had hoops to jump through to earn our way into that holy-grail construct called man-hood. Like all manipulation tactics, it was used wisely and misused widely. The effectiveness is a matter of perception.

This is where my search begins.

My search starts with finding stories of famous dads who are raising or have raised daughters. Honestly, I’m looking to smash the status quo by making an example of dads who raise their daughters to be dependent on a partner. My daughter is sitting next to me doing homework as I come across the term. So, I ask her what she thinks it means.

“You.” She answers.

“Aww. Thank you. But what does it mean?” I ask again.

“That you’re a dad raising a daughter?”

“Sure. I mean, I am. But this is a recent term used to describe a certain kind of dad.” I answer. For a second I feel like I’m actually hipper and more in-the-know than my teenage kid.

“What does it mean, Dad?”

“Let me look it up.”

There is a small and not very fulfilling sense of pride when your kid asks you a question you don’t know the answer to so you have to look it up on the internet. Fleeting pride—A pleasing sense I’ll take any day of the week over the attitude I got in the preteen to mid-teen years for sure. I share two definitions with her.

Being a #GirlDad means recognizing the worth of a daughter is equal to the worth of a son. And being a #GirlDad means contributing to the strides being made toward gender equality. The movement of #GirlDad demonstrates model examples of how fathers should value their daughters, and in turn, women. – Katie Winbauer. Bismark Tribune

This article, which some say coined the phrase, was written to honor Kobe Bryant. “Wow!” I thought. “If the skeletons of his past in regard to treatment of women could be forgiven, anybody’s could, including my own.” I’m explaining my recollection of this to my daughter when she says, “Don’t you have an article to write GirlDad?”

“Yes, honey.”

I love my kid.

Kathleen Odenthal, in an article titled “10 Reasons Why Fathers are so Important to their Daughters” (Holidappy magazine) writes:

Being a father means being a role model and setting the standard for how their daughters will view other men. A father who shows love to the women in his life and is nurturing and compassionate can help his daughter avoid unhealthy relationships and friendships with men as she ages.

In my ready-to-be-humbled experience, my truth is something of a mix of these two. Bear in mind, both are attempts to explain the importance of the dad/daughter relationship, as told by a woman. When I read the first definition I asked myself, “Don’t all men raise their daughters this way?”

Personal Experience:

When the sole responsibility of raising a daughter was placed on my shoulders, I had no education or experience or community (that I knew of nor could easily find) to show me how. I chose to ask for help, which is the same for men as asking directions, but there were and continue to be too few resources available. More than that, I had to trust in my almost non-existent intuitive sense. This is one hurdle dads are challenged to overcome. One which most of us haven’t been raised to overcome nor expected to succeed at.

The premise of gender equality should be taken in the literal sense. We should want to self-correct when we find ourselves falling back on double-standards, or having it both ways. How do we know what is good for the goose unless we take a gander at honestly flipping scripts?

In regard to equality and worth, I used to joke that expecting a girl to be as good as a boy is setting the bar too low for the girl! Perhaps my view is not the norm here. Before my daughter was born, I held no preference in regard to the sexual identification of my child. I still don’t. All I ask of her is that she makes the most of who and what she is.

I don’t think the second definition correlates to the #GirlDad concept, but it came up on the Google search. There may be some truth in the idea that the way a dad treats his daughter will align in her mind with how she sees that she should be treated. Then again, there are so many exceptions to this. A dad who, out of love, is harsh and punitive with one daughter creates a confident, fearless warrior yet with a different daughter a broken, dependent, sensitive one.

In reading the second definition, my overriding thought is, “No wonder there is so much angry vitriol toward men as fathers.” Where I feel called to advocate is for the many good dads who get lumped in with ALL dads, including those toward whom the dissatisfaction is directed. It is our responsibility to single these men out. I will never defend the men who are or have been abusive, negligent, belligerent, or ignorant of their children. Likewise, a man who does everything he can but falls short of societal expectations is not a loser, or idiot, or less-than parent. He’s a human.

Without the hard-earned accolades of being an actual doctor or expert, I’ve only an opinion to lend. My non-certified schooling comes in the form of day to day responsibilities raising a daughter. If you value life experience, then you’ll like these.

Nine Ways To Be A Better #GirlDad:

1) Tell your daughter how much you love her.

2) Nurture, encourage, and support her when it comes to ideas she has that are healthy for her, no matter what your opinion is on them.

3) Listen to her discuss her dreams. Watch her get wide-eyed and excited. Don’t shut it down by explaining the realities of why or why not. Share your wisdom, don’t preach it. Circle back another time for the ‘parentsplaining’ talk if you can see this turning out unhealthily for her.

4) Never compare her to other students, people’s kids, failures, successes, boys, or yourself.

5) Let her know she can do anything.

6) Applaud her strengths when she doesn’t expect it.

7) Spend time together on a project you know nothing about.

8) Listen to her. Have deep discussions where she knows she is being heard. Your wisdom is more useful when it is asked about.

9) Don’t Coddle. Enabling, and pedestal-ing are death to independence, confidence, and inner-strength. Do not lie to her to keep her from hurting. Every human thrives better with honesty than any other emotion.

The Danger of Recovery ‘Light’

Tue, 01 Aug 2023 18:10:54 GMT

I devote hours of my energy toward helping newcomers in different online platforms. This is my way of giving back. But it is also one of my protections against returning to the desolation of drug abuse. My personal path and story are actually not any more important or useful than anyone else’s. If you knew the humongous ego who was Paul Summers before I came to find a program of recovery that worked for me, you’d be surprised that I could ever be humble enough to type that last sentence.

Growth.

Growth is not just a word; it’s not some reward you earn for doing nothing. It’s not a concept you believe in and therefor you are granted. It’s a present that feels nothing like a gift. And it is reversible.

On one of my social media accounts, it is clear in my bio that I am in recovery. Yet, I continue to get followers who are drug dealers. The most common are those peddling psychedelics and marijuana. Studies have shown that the latter has been proven to be addictive (and still illegal, federally). I found it appalling that dealers would friend or follow me. This made no sense, so I’ve dared to ask why. The responses I’m getting are defensive—the follower sounding dumbfounded that I am questioning their ‘good’ nature. Each one believes they have set up shop in order to ‘help’ alcoholics and addicts. How did they get this disinformation?

Welcome to the era of what I call Recovery ‘Light.’ It’s not new. Hell, when I was steeped in active addiction, substituting one high for another was a path I believed would solve my slight issue–the addictive tendencies I denied. I tried many different times. I tried many different ways. I did not get clean until I … GOT CLEAN.

My definition of Recovery ‘Light’ is when a person believes they don’t have a drug problem as long as they don’t do their DOC (drug of choice). This person has been convinced somehow that indulging in any mind-altering, addictive substance, as long as it won’t take them over and be a distracting obsession, is totally okay. Additionally, the idea is that as long as one isn’t creating wreckage and undermining self, it’s okay to use. These two assumptions are usually made without the clarity of being sober, nor with the help of a source outside themselves like the loved one, family member, or community most affected by their using.

There are segments of the recovery community who are taking and being taken advantage of by this ideology. This does a great disservice to people in early recovery who have not yet committed to recovery. Those newcomers who are sensitive to being told the truth; those who dismiss concepts like abstinence and making amends as plots to bring guilt and shame-inducing patriarchal or religious disciplines; those who want to be in recovery and still get high—these are willing participants in Recovery ‘Light.’

I remember being in a meeting and hearing someone say, “I wish I could get loaded and keep my clean date.” Everyone in the room laughed. But it made me think … isn’t that the special secret wish we all have? Yes. Just like we wish we weren’t addicts and alcoholics. But we are if we say we are. I am. I don’t feel the least bit less-than by making this admission. It’s a testimonial I continue to make and feel safe doing so. What is dangerous is being suspicious that you might have a problem and being unwilling to admit that you are an addict or alcoholic. Personally, by admitting to having a disease, I gain the courage to work on beating the illness that all but destroyed a good twenty years of my life: the disease of addiction. I’ll never beat it, just like humans won’t ever entirely beat a virus out of existence. We can only work on building our personal strength a little bit at a time. A daily reprieve is a lot to be grateful for. The difference between those with the disease and those unlikely to have the disease is that those who can use casually and not obsess on their DOC to the point of hurting, stealing, undermining, and being enslaved by the compulsion to use more are not inflicted with the disease.

Denial.

Contained within this practice of Recovery ‘Light’ is a movement of non-addict/alcoholics pushing a ‘new’ concept called Harm Reduction. Just like Capitalism or Communism, Harm Reduction looks good on paper. Great keywords, too. Who wouldn’t want to be in a program whose ideology is reducing harm?

Whose harm is getting reduced?

My loose interpretation of this is that, by allowing a person addicted to drugs or alcohol some comfort as they withdraw from their drug of choice, the cycle of addiction will be broken. The notion is that, by eliminating the self-esteem breaking thoughts and feelings which come about when one is getting off of drugs, a person in recovery can heal faster and their transition off of chemical dependency will be smoother. That smooth metamorphosis, it is believed, aids the recovering person and increases the likelihood their recovery will be long term.

I get in heated arguments over this. Partially because this is being pushed by the medical/medicinal community. I think that alone scares me enough to not give it a chance. If someone is making ongoing money off of people’s life changes and the possibilities they will become healthy, then they also potentially make money off you while you continue to be unhealthy. Studies are showing that, in the area of depression, many have been taken advantage of and over-medicated for decades.

This is why and how I ended up in a twelve step program. I owed nobody anything. My success and/or failure was up to me. I came to realize I had the key to unlock the prison cell door I had locked myself into. I got out for free. There isn’t an easy way out, just as there was no easy way in. There is no quick fix. There is no participant trophy. You are either and addict/alcoholic or you are not. There’s no such thing as getting high on a drug you don’t care for when you are an addict. Any drug you can find is the drug you’ll abuse at some point. If you’re reading this and your experience so far is that you can’t stop drinking once you start, but then you try micro-dosing on mushrooms and you don’t want to drink anymore – well then, you’re probably not an alcoholic. But, if you start doing those mushrooms on weekends, then on Thursday through Sunday, then every day of the week, you are an addict/alcoholic.

This current movement has come in many shapes and with many names over the past six decades. Social media is notorious for getting people convinced that the latest and greatest panacea is not another re-hashed snake oil from the Boomer Era. Eye candy distractions. Let’s look a little deeper.

If you have a problem with meth, how can you stop? Meth addiction is weird. I was always able to stop for a few months, especially after a few weeks in a row of being up for more than three days at a time. I didn’t give a shit about losing a job or girlfriend or even the strain it put on my family. I didn’t feel much of anything while I was up. But when I came down, all those stinky feelings started oozing out of the pores in my brain. And when the body has had enough, you ride the discomfort out for a few days and start to feel human again. Then, you deal with the consequences and (usually) guilt of the neglecting of self. I probably vowed to stay off speed for three months about thirty times. I always came back to it. In the meantime, I was self-medicating. I was ‘reducing’ the harm in my head I had caused myself. I was using my best ideas to ease my worst thinking. The answer was inevitably to find a way to feel good. I’m no doctor. But a doctor or scientist will break it down to a brain cell level and tell you the biological reason we chase after that synapsis firing endorphin rush. Replacement therapy. If I can’t have my drug of choice, I’m going to have a melt-down. If I don’t have my drug of choice, I’m going to die. If I can’t have my drug of choice, people better get really afraid of what I might do.

It’s no mistake that it is called our drug of choice. Nobody forces us to put it inside our bloodstream. We choose to. Therefore, we get to choose how we stop putting it in our body. We can titrate down. We can do replacement drugs like methadone or suboxone if you have an opiate addiction. For meth, it wouldn’t make sense to inject a person going through withdrawals with Ritalin. But if that became an actual practice, the idea would be the same. Make the coming down off of abused drugs comfortable and relaxing. This is a severe misunderstanding of addiction. The saying, “One is too many and a thousand never enough,” explains the disease. If I knew I could go to treatment (if I could afford it) and still get loaded, wouldn’t that, as a premise, undermine the very reason for going? Unless …

Unless I didn’t really want to stop.

But if I’m locked in a preferred state of mind for addicts … denial … and get some therapist or treatment center nurse with an Associate’s Degree telling me of an easy out, I’m going to go for the easy out. I’d gladly kick the can down the road. Because the nurse says it’s okay; that I’ll be okay if I’m on something while I get off something else. Good lord. That’s like saying, “I know I’m collecting better unemployment wages by staying home, but I really do want to work, but I don’t really have to, so I won’t.” That’s like saying, “I love and miss those little kids I lost custody of in the divorce so much, I’ll check in on them sometime in the next few weeks.”

The most entertaining part of writing an essay like this is that it puts me at odds with educated martyrs of the medical profession. I ask you to take some time and look over their evidence, and the opposing evidence. Evaluate it all as best you can, but remember, you might just be an addict or an alcoholic. If you are, it means that you have a disease with is going to lie to you to keep you in a state of denial which will make you question anything which might potentially rob it from getting its next fix. If you try harm reduction and are still repeating the same behaviors which, in the first place, made you suspect you might have a problem – start questioning the validity of that medical practice. No one who wears a doctor’s office smock has ever resolved my obsession with drugs, including booze. After decades of overdosing, losing everything, destroying what I didn’t lose, hurting people physically and emotionally, moving a thousand miles away only to start using again within a month, losing jobs, and ultimately losing my daughter, I was ready to admit I had a problem and that no pill, powder, or liquid was going to solve it.

I found the twelve steps (or they found me).

I found a Higher Power I call God (or He led me)

The program I work does not cosign any check I might be wanting to cash from the bank of bullshit. Today I’m accountable to the truth. But as an addict, that truth is often hidden from me. I can more easily see when someone is denying themselves their own truth, but I have a hard time seeing mine when I look for it. That is why the program is so useful, especially interaction with the others in it. The lies in our head are exposed. The program is simple, but not easy. It certainly isn’t as easy getting loaded on wine because you have a problem with heroin. I wrote this essay to share my experience that I’ve tried every combination and substitute that was available. Just because there are new drugs since I chose to stop fifteen years ago, doesn’t mean the truth isn’t still self-evident. The truth and promise of the program works because I work it. This means I get to take an active part in being okay, if not better than ever, but at the very least better than I was before. I had to work for it. Not one day of the over 6,000 days were given to me. Not one. I chose to see (finally) that my experience with harm was that I harmed myself, then anyone close. The only way that harm got reduced was when I chose to stop getting loaded.

What’s better than thirteen days sober?

Tue, 04 Jul 2023 22:27:03 GMT

Fourteen days? A hundred? In person or on social media, any time someone mentions how many days clean they have, ask them this question. Then tell them the answer. The answer is always nothing. Nothing is better than X amount of days sober. Even if it’s one day, the answer is nothing. We don’t accumulate days by keeping our eye on out of reach goals.

This question of what’s better is almost as ancient as twelve step programs. Prior to the notion of recovery programs, an alcoholic’s attempt to curb their addiction must’ve been a very solitary affair. What, if any, support group was around for whom the sober person could turn to?

Compared to today’s uglier side of social media, the shaming must’ve been horrendous. Add to that the shunning. Many must’ve seen obsessive using as the only place to find solace. Many likely turned to isolation, desolation, and suicide.

History shows us how we are safe when we are pack animals. When we veer away from the pack, we take on the encumbrance of life-threatening challenges. A person wanting go get clean and sober today has the pack to turn to. For an addict/alcoholic, however, belonging to a particular pack can either make us better or make us worse.

One pack wants to nurture us back to healthy sobriety by sharing the insights into what has worked for them through the trial and error experiences collectively learned from the pack as a whole. One pack wants to show us how to turn only to God and the Bible, asking that we trust in the strength which comes through faith. One pack wants to elevate or enlighten our cognitive process through pharmaceutical medication and behavioral therapy. One recently evolving pack asks that we abstain ourselves from our favorite substance to abuse while giving ourself permission to indulge in others.

Each pack is prone to point out weaknesses of the others, yet some self-govern and are better at self-discipline in these matters. As in the difference between world religions, each pack has merit conceptually. It often boils down to the membership or flock or congregation. All have fallible humans. The practitioners have more to do with the imperfection than the programs themselves. We have the responsibility of choosing wisely then learning from our choices.

We who seek recovery don’t have to live like lepers today. We can feel free to shout from the hilltop what we have accomplished; that we have earned another day free of the substance(s) we have been abusing to the point that we could no longer deny how we had allowed it to undermine and sabotage our life. For today, and today only, we are done. And because we don’t know whether or not we will make it through tomorrow until tomorrow is over, we can speak confidently out about our achievement with humility.

Thus the answer. Nothing is better than a day ending victorious over our alcoholism. It may just be the end of one day to others, but to us it is a victory over unhealthy thoughts which lead to unhealthy behaviors which lead to being in an unhealthy predicament. This is a truth serum that has no anti-dote. There is no such thing as getting it half right. You either identify as an alcoholic, or you don’t. You either understand to the best of your ability that you are an addict, or you are not.

Whether you have one day or 5,693 days. Each and every day sober/clean is an actualization of an intention to be healthier manifested. For us, that intention doesn’t usually begin internally. For most of us, it is external. An outcome reached through losing. Losing a loved one, a job, property, integrity, status, or health. Both impactful and repetitive losing can translate into a lifesaving course of action if we allow it to. Try it. Give yourself permission to be good to you.

Norwegian Encore Alaska Cruise Summer 2023

Thu, 01 Jun 2023 04:36:45 GMT

Things to know that they don't tell you

My wife Jennifer and I just got back from sailing the Norwegian Alaskan cruise onboard the Encore. This is our first ever cruise. While it’s still fresh on our minds, we thought we’d inform anyone else leaving in 2023 of what we learned, our experience, and tips. We are not endorsed by NCL or their competitors. We’re just a married couple celebrating our anniversary and the honeymoon we never took because of our blended family and how important our parenting is to us.

PRE-SAIL TIPS: Book your vacation and excursions as early as possible. The excursions sell out right away although some open up again because people change their mind or cancel. If there’s one you really want that is sold out, call the Norwegian telephone number and ask for options. Download the Norwegian App and get familiar with it a few days before departure. Complete all the Pre-Check checklist items. You must have your choices made 48 hours prior to the sail date. According to the website you cannot make changes while onboard. If you plan on checking bags or suitcases, be sure to print out your baggage labels. These will help the staff know what room to bring your luggage to. You will need a stapler to attached the printed paper to itself.

OPTIONS/TIPS: If money is not an issue, purchase all of the expensive “best” plans. If you are frugal like us, just know there will be limitations. Every penny you attempt to save keeps you from an engaging an activity. Keep that in mind before you go. We did not purchase the fine dining plans = we were limited by having to make a reservation (which were limited) to eat at any of the ‘pay’ restaurants. We do not drink alcohol, but we thought the unlimited beverage price was unreasonably priced, so we opted to purchase soda as we went.

We were told by a reliable friend that the Premium Unlimited WiFi wasn’t any better than the Standard plan, which we purchased as was suggested. The limitations versus cost effectiveness regarding online capabilities are astounding. By the third day onboard I resigned myself to looking at the vacation as a vacation as emails and streaming were too slow to enjoy, engage, or endure. At over $100.00 each, this is sad to report. Our biggest disappointment of the Norwegian ENCORE experience is based mostly on principle.

I don’t want to go into too much evaluation here because the reason for writing this article is to capture the essence of the trip we just returned from while providing the average beginning traveler or middle class income traveler with reliable information. This article is for people who have booked or are booking the trip but have not left yet.

Before leaving, you will be asked to watch the safety video again. This would be a great opportunity to inform you and every traveler about some of the processes. We understand the importance of safety, but there’s no time like the present when you have your customers attention.

DAY ONE

We arrived at our parking center in the Seattle CruisePark at the scheduled time. You will find this a little chaotic. People from each of the two or three cruise ships park here and take the shuttle over. We chose this because it has the best reviews as far as being a safe place to leave your car for the weeklong trip. Be prepared to leave your keys with the valet person who will park it for you.

TIP – Take a video of your vehicle before you leave. If anything happens you will have proof that it happened after you left it at the lot. Also take a picture of your valet card (in case you lose it). They will only need the slip number upon return.

When the shuttle dropped us off at Pier 66, we got our first glimpse of the magnificent magnitude of the Encore. Built in 2019, it is the newest Norwegian cruise liner. The shuttle driver gave us a card to call the lot when we return and then instructed us to bring our bags to the luggage area within eyesight of drop off. You should have a pre-arranged time through the website for this. Our pre-arranged drop off bags and board time was 1:00 p.m. You should have your home printer printed labels for each of the bags you are checking in. You will not see these bags until later in the evening. You probably will not receive all of your bags at the same time. One by one they will be left outside your room door in the hallway.

When we dropped the bags off, the person instructed us to go wait in line. He said we are probably looking at a two to three hour wait, adding that we could go have lunch and come back because we probably wouldn’t be boarding until around 4:00 p.m. because of the line. This turned out to be misinformation. We were in line at 12:30 p.m. Because of what the baggage instructed us, we were concerned we would be late. The line was about five blocks long. We found a bathroom first, which is on the first floor of Pier 66 even though it doesn’t mention that anywhere. The line moved at a steady pace. Withing twenty minutes we were asked to have identification ready before we went into the warehouse/pier where the boat is docked.

Next line was another waiting area. We did not have our Room Keys yet. Others did, but neither Jennifer or I recall seeing any information on getting them. The people who had their keys were in a separate line and got to board. We waited, like the majority of others, in line to get those. At the counter we were asked a series of common questions, mostly regarding Covid symptoms and exposure. Then we moved on to the next line to show our pass. Then we walked the gangway to board.

ANNOUNCMENT IN OUR ROOM We used our key to enter our room. Soon afterward, an announcement came over that said it is mandatory for every passenger to meet in the pre-assigned Safety Waiting and check in or we would be considered not checked in. Right away we headed there. There the staff went over the legally required Safety instructions. This only took a minute. The crew was very helpful to move things along and guide us to our room.

TIP: Know the area of the ship you are going to be staying in. You will either be in Aft (back), Bow (front), Port (left side when facing forward), or Starboard (right side when facing forward). The Haven is on the 19th deck in an area on the upper floors of the Bow.

We got in our room and got settled. There was an announcement over the in-room intercom which gave us an example of the sounds of emergency and announcements. Not long afterward the ENCORE left Seattle port.

We purchased the regular meal plan with the option to go to one of six restaurants however many times we wanted. We opted out of the fine dining package, nor did we make reservations to yet. More on how that turned out on DAY FIVE.

TIP: We made the mistake of rushing around Seattle to get food before we arrived at the parking lot. You can get food from the buffet area (Garden Club, Deck 16) immediately upon boarding.

WiFi. We cannot provide a good tip for you here. We came across THREE different instructions for connecting to, and staying connected with the Norwegian Encore Public WiFi. Each had some piece of information either missing or misrepresented. NCL needs to fix this.

For our first dinner onboard we attended the Manhattan. This is the nicest of the free dining package experiences. The pork was a little dry but the shrimp fettucine were very good. The apple pie dessert was average. The staff is a little hard to communicate with. Their understanding of English seems limited. Their understanding of American dialect, cultural humor, and commoner rhetoric did not at any time, in any department, help ease any of our conversations.

TIP: Your room key is the same as a credit card for not only purchases (which go to your credit card), but also as a tracker of where you dine. You must present it when you eat, when you attend entertainment with reservations, make purchases, and when you get on and off the ship.

When we got back to our room, our first Freestyle Daily was hanging on the room number fixture at our door. This is the best form of communication. The FD lists all of the events going on, where they are located, and the times. It is super helpful. You will find it necessary to look through each section of it to help plan out each day’s activities. On the back are the hours of operations of all services. Not everything is open and available at all times.

TIP: Go through Freestyle Daily with a pen and keep it with you. You get a new one every day. Read it thoroughly. There were a few days when I read the FD again after we wrapped up the day and found information in it we could’ve used (but it was too late).

We concluded our first night watching the sunset over the Straight of Juan De Fuca from the Observation Deck listening to pianist Valentyna. You will enjoy the soft serve ice cream

Sleeping on the Encore. We left our sliding glass door open a crack because it made a whistling sound when it was shut. We also shut our bathroom door because the hinge rattled when it was open. The cruise ship goes right into open ocean waters on the first night, so expect a real ocean experience. We brought Dramamine but never had to use it. The first night into second day was the only times it might possibly had been needed. The rattling and whistling are minor. The Encore is smooth and quiet and cuts through the water like a hot knife through butter. Very rarely were we taken aback by abrupt noises or rocked by bumps and ocean waves.

TIP: Get familiar with the channels on the Encore cable. You will want to leave the navigation channel on most of the time you are in your room. You can look at your bill here also.

DAY TWO

At sea all day. We were fortunate to have a sunny day. We went to eat at the Taste restaurant. We ordered their express breakfast and were very let down. You won’t like it. It upset Jennifer’s stomach. It’s just a greasy spoon; a typical American breakfast, but it was not made well. For lunch we tried the buffet. The buffet is great because there are healthy and not-so-healthy options.

We went to the Local for dinner. The food at The Local is the same basic selection you would find at a bar or pub. The food was just okay. I had the fish and chips, which tasted like something out of a microwave, Jennifer got the chicken salad sandwich, which was fine. The overall experience was set back by the server because of our communication barrier. He made it sound like he was going to get me a refill of soda for free (remember, we did not purchase the unlimited beverage plan). He did not bring it back until we were done eating dessert. This had me concerned that we were being charged for a soda I did not get to enjoy.

TIP: Tipping. Each time there is a transaction (like buying drinks), you are given a receipt that you must sign. This is an opportunity to leave a tip on the receipt, or not. You can also hand the server cash. Either way, you each one of your guests are being charged $20.00 per day, per person which is being split amongst the entire staff. We opted to give our assigned housekeeper a nice tip on the first day and our service reflected her gratitude for doing so.

We explored the ship. We walked the jogging path. We walked all of the outdoor decks available for walking – 7, 8, 16, and 17. We also went to look at the Laser Tag and Racetrack area. The Encore has the largest racetrack in the fleet. This uppermost area on the aft of the ship are rarely crowded. We were able to book a slot playing Laser Tag and absolutely loved it! We also played Bingo. We did not win, so we don’t have anything positive to say about it. Pricey, but fun. Walking the floors, we were highly entertained by Latin Express, a duo who was playing at the Sugarcane.

TIP: Book your show reservations before the cruise. We were unable to attend any of the comedy shows because we did not book ahead of time.

DAY THREE

We started the day with Starbucks coffee. Being that there is only one on board for 4,000 people, we worried about lines. Not once during the entire trip have we been in line more than ten minutes. Also of mention, the staff everywhere is welcoming, no matter their position.

Land Ho! Juneau, Alaska. We arrived at 2:30 p.m. Departure was 10:30 p.m., so there was plenty of time to enjoy the excursion and see Juneau. This was the easiest Disembarking.

TIP: Deck 6 is where you disembark in Juneau. We found this out at 2:30 p.m. You will hear information about disembarking while in the hallways, but not in your suite/cabin/room. The in-room announcement are emergencies only. It is easiest to Deck 6 by stairs because most passengers use the elevators. If you arrive too early you will be told to disperse to other areas, as they cannot have a large crowd gather in one place.

We were met by our tour guide at the parking lot. Our tour was the Mendenhall Glacier hike. Our guide, Michael is a young outdoorsy type. This excursion is outstanding. Nothing better than getting out into the nature Alaska provides. The hike is about five miles through the Alaskan wilderness with impressive views of the glacier. If you are active, this is a must do. We heard that the Helicopter to the glacier was impressive. There was a whale watching one that was cancelled. Our group was small (about 12 people), which made it great for us. Michael offered to drop us off in Juneau after the hike. We chose not to because we were ready to eat and did not want to be late for boarding.

We had dinner at the Garden Café. One of the members of our tour group spoke very highly of the Beatles Tribute band. This is also highly promoted by NCL, as pictures of the band are in most of the promotional material.

The Cavern is a club on Deck Eight. It is supposed to be a replica of the actual club in Liverpool England that the Beatles played for years before become the famous Fab Four we know them as. The Cavern is poorly set up for live music viewing.

The Beatles tribute band must’ve been having some issues because only three members played. We had heard just prior to arrival that one of the members was sick and would not be playing. The band covered the material quite well as a three piece, but we could tell they were uncomfortable.

TIP: Get to the Cavern early if you would like seat. There is an area for dancing, but the dance area was only used on a few songs. There should be more seating options. There were almost as many people standing as siting.

DAY FOUR

TIP: Read through the entire Freestyle Daily if you want to know all of your options.

Skagway. From the landing area, all passengers MUST take a shuttle into town (less than a mile). We found out once we were in town that this is because of a recent rockslide. Skagway is only a few blocks, but packs tons of history, art, saloons, pubs, and scenery. We had about an hour and a half before our excursion, so we went shopping for local art and souvenirs. We thought ahead and packed some sandwiches we got from the buffet on the ship. This wasn’t necessary.

Our excursion is called the Bike, Hike, and Float tour. Bob and Gabi and Jenna. The walk from town to the meeting plaza is maybe 200 yards. One of the excursions in plain sight is the train. We are active people, so the train wasn’t option. Besides, Jennifer is uncomfortable with sheer heights. Our tour guides were a little late arriving at the plaza. We became slightly nervous because one of the other tour hawkers (people with signs calling for you to come take their excursion) said they hadn’t even heard of Sockeye Cycle.

Gabi and Jenna gathered our group and drove us about ten miles out of town to Dyea. There we rode bikes, learned about the rich history and poor miner stories. Then Bob took us on a hike up the Chilkoot Trail. Bob is 75 and healthier than most people I know. He told us he’s had over 100 people take the excursion and not be able to make the one mile hike we went on. Bob was also our rafting captain. You are in great hands with Bob. He could write a book.

We enjoyed this port more than all the others. The people of Skagway are real folks. We filled our plates twice over with buffet food then retired early.

DAY FIVE

Glacier Bay. No one will inform you of this, but the front bow of the ship on Deck 8 gets opened up. The first glacier is Margerie Glacier. The ship stops and does a 360 degree view, so every passenger at every vantage point gets a chance to see without having to change places on the ship. We went to the top of the aft area where the race track overlook is. It is one of the few unobstructed places on the boat (other than the race track light poles). We heard the view from The Haven is unobstructed. As the boat spins around, you get an amazing sense of the vastness and beauty the makes Alaska unique.

The second glacier is the John’s Hopkins Glacier and inlet. The Encore is unable to get any closer than Jaw Point because in May and June the government closes the inlet. Mama seal are known to give birth and the area is to be left undisturbed during this period. After about three hours the ship leaves Glacier Bay, passing Reid Glacier on the Starboard side. There are other cruise lines in the area. There are also small boat tours. We observed a group of about 30 people get off group canoes and kayaks and walk toward Reid glacier. The Encore also sails past the Glacier Bay Visitor Center on the way in and the way out of the bay.

TIP: GO OUTSIDE! The glaciers are a once in a lifetime observance. Go outside, no matter the weather and take in the pristine solitude and freshness.

For lunch we tried the restaurant called Savor. It was splendid. Savory enough to change our minds again about going to the restaurants instead of the buffet. We tried to make reservations at one of the fancy restaurants. We were unable to get a booking except for very late in the evening. At first we reserved a table at the Food Republic. We reserved a 7:30 table. About twenty minutes later we looked on the app to verify our eating time and it was changed to 8:45. Jennifer called and was told that the app is not reliable for booking.

TIP: The app is not reliable for booking reservations for dinner.

Dinner at the Manhattan.

DAY SIX:

From Glacier Bay we go through the Aleutian Islands to Ketchikan. We were most excited about this stop. However, the Encore docks at a place called Ward Cove. This is in abandoned area consisting mostly of junkyards and dumps. The passengers are all subjected to shuttle busses seven miles into Ketchikan. Some of the busses are 30 years old. This didn’t seem like a big deal until we pulled into downtown and saw two competitor ocean liner’s moored against docks downtown. The window of time to visit is too brief. Roughly three hours total if you count how long the wait is at Berth 4 (the line went around two warehouses) to board the shuttle bus, drive into town, and do the same on the way back.

Ketchikan is quaint. We really wanted to go on the excursion where you get to see Totem Pole’s being made. We ended up walking through town and visited the Totem Heritage Center. You will want to go there if you’d like to know the history of Totem Pole making, what totem’s mean to natives, and how prevalent they were at one time (captured in photographs).

TIP: Each time we got on and off the boat we were told not to bring water or food. Most people did. No mention was made.

We packed a lot of entertainment in. We went to see the Beatles tribute band at the Cavern again. This time there was a sign on the door which read REHEARSAL IN PROGRESS. We did not find out what this meant. This time the group had a fourth member who was in a white suit. He looked and sang very much like John Lennon. His connection with the band seemed strained. We couldn’t determine whether he was an actual member of if he was trying out.

Next we had reservations to see Choir of Man.

TIP: See Choir of Man.

To cap off the night we popped our heads into the Social Club to watch a comedian. I really wish we could’ve stayed. We love comedy, and it sucks that we didn’t get to get reservations for the comics onboard.

DAY 7

Back to the ocean for most of the day. Lastly arriving in Victoria, B.C. Again, the window of time was small, a total of three and a half hours. With arrival being at 8:00 p.m., and only the most aggressive passengers actually getting off the ship at that time, there is a sense of urgency. Being such a late arrival, however, made it so dinner options were limited. It was Memorial Day Weekend Saturday night, so there was a LOT of activity.

Again we chose the free path. We walked from the ship away from the pier onto Dallas Road. It is still light at that time. The Straight of San Juan De Fuca is beautiful in the end of day sun. From Beacon Hill park you could see Mount Baker and the Olympic Peninsula mountain tops. There are a lot people out and about. Be ready for there to be a lot of loud cars. Evidently that is a thing in Victoria.

We walked to a park, then headed uptown on Douglas Street then decided to take Government Street because the cars were so loud. We walked past the Parliament Building and the historical Fairmont hotel to Chinatown. Part of the way is a walking mall. Most of the stores were closed. The itinerary of the ship made this stop less enjoyable than it could be. All the Chinatown restaurants were closed. This was the far end of a wonderful walking loop. We made it back to the ship a little bit early, so we put unnecessary pressure on ourselves. We got in about 17,000 steps that day.

LAST DAY:

The ship leaves Victoria, B.C. at a little after midnight and arrives in Seattle, Washington at about 6 a.m. This gives just about an hour to prepare to disembark. Ours was held up nearly 45 minutes. Instead of going to Deck 6 as we have all other ports, we were instructed at the last minute to go to deck 7. The process was very slow to leave, including leaving the Pier 66 area.

AFTERTHOUGHTS

Drink Package – We spent about $60.00 total for drinks, so we saved well over a hundred dollars by getting sodas when we needed them. With the exception of a few very loud drunk people, and an inconsiderate couple who thought it was okay to smoke cigarettes on their balcony by our room (and continued to do so after housekeeping gave them a warning), fellow passengers are positive, courteous, and helpful. Generally, everyone we spoke with agreed that NCL tends to inform you of upcoming options as they are happening. For example, as I write this I’m watching a YouTube video called “New Norwegian NCL Encore Ultimate Ship Tour 2023.” It talks about The Local Bar & Grill and how it is open to order food for 24 hours. We wish we would’ve known this while on board! Bon Voyage!

Seven Books to Help Solo Dads in Explaining Substance Use Disorder (SUD) to their Kids

Fri, 21 Oct 2022 02:05:47 GMT

If I were to say there is an informational pandemic, it would imply that there was a time when informative sources were reliable and now they are not. When it comes to information and resources to benefit solo custodial fathers, this is not the case. Information for single dads that is personalized (we are a marginalized class), consistent, and qualitative, has yet to be good. This is an illness; a woe upon society that has negative effects, long term, on children.

Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a dad when it comes to the deep, emotional caring for his children. Most of us make due, encumbered by our own limitations. Still, none of us can do it alone.

When the State of Oregon awarded sole custody of my daughter to me, my spirit soared. I finally had a fighting chance at protecting my little girl from the litany of no-shows, let downs, close-calls, and harmful situations she was exposed to thanks to her birth mother’s substance use disorder (SUD). As I’ve come to better understand addiction, I’ve learned an indisputable truth: every addict’s behavior comes as the result of making a choice.

Having barely turned four years old, my daughter was far from completely being raised. It was a wakeup call like no other. As my fight to get protective custody came to a close, I found myself at the standing at edge of the unknown. “Watch what you wish for, you just might get it.”

At the time, I had less than a year in recovery from drugs myself. As gracious as I was (still am) with the joy of fully being there for my child, I had to admit I was in over my head. Fortunately, I had faith in my Higher Power, support from my twelve step program fellowship, and the daily clarity of a clean mind. There were very few websites, forums, or books to help. Everything was geared toward women. My people were not represented. Realizing I can’t be a single parent raising my daughter alone, one of the first things I asked was, “How do women do this?”

The National Center for Substance Abuse and Child Welfare tells us that 1 in 8 children in the United States under 17 is living in a household where a parent is struggling with addiction. Nearly 9 million kids (I’ve seen estimates as high as 26 million) are in this predicament. This means increased risk of neglect, chaos, poverty, substance exposure, domestic violence, and removal by state child welfare professionals.

Speaking as an addict in recovery, none of those types of statistics mattered to me when I was using. Remember this if you are a dad wanting to protect your child(ren) from a harmful situation with their addled mother. Give yourself a break from negative self-talk when you get upset or give in to unreasonable demands, but please, get yourself some help. No one gets better unless they want to.

The most frightening component you’ll face as a dad whose kids are enduring a parents’ substance abuse situation are the potential long-term effects. The likelihood your exposed children will struggle with drugs themselves or get into a relationship with a person who has a SUD increases compared to homes where no substance abuse is occurring. Over time, the effects will show up in our kids. They might express themselves by letting out feelings of powerlessness, self-hate, hopelessness, abandonment, worthlessness, depression, or anger.

I’m dealing with the fallout of this today.

On season two of the television series, The Flight Attendant, the main character Cassidy Bowden (played by Kaley Cuoco), struggles with alcoholism. The writers provide an accurate in-depth look at the conflicting voices in many an alcoholic’s head. There is an imaginary room called the ‘mind palace’ where our (I identify as an alcoholic/addict in recovery) demons and other personalities are represented (i.e., wild me, healthy future me, boring me, child me, etc.). As Cassidy opens lines of communication between her many selves, she comes to find that her substance use disorder was enabled by her upbringing–the lack of and/or overcompensation style parenting inherent to substance abuse. As she struggles with humility in her quest to put herself back together in sobriety, she has an unexpected meeting with her mother–the loving parent burdened with the brunt of alcoholic wreckage by both daughter and husband. Attempting to make amends by using her own interpretation of the twelve steps of Alcoholics Anonymous, Cassidy apologizes for the pain she has caused. In a moment of transparency, the mom, played by Sharon Stone, tells Cassidy, “I love you, but I don’t like you. I will not forgive you until you learn to forgive yourself.”

The words of Sharon Stone’s character in the scene seemed blunt, but I knew it came from a place of love. My wife and I were in tears. My daughter left the room. I took into account that, now an adult, she has been burdened by years of intermittent interaction and emotional neglect by her substance challenged birth mother. This scene triggered too much emotion. The pain we leave in our kids is real.

For a sole custody dad looking to explain the maternal absence due to substance abuse issues, the challenge is real, daily, and lifelong. Please consider this blog as a resource. Some of the books mentioned below might help, even though only one is written by a male. I work tirelessly to find ways men can be aided as single parents. We are a minority, yet rapidly growing number. Our role is of the utmost importance.

I know firsthand that it takes time to sift through the tons of social material full of spiteful remarks, resentment, even hate. Most men don’t want to bother with the negative expression, but find themselves having to, especially when dealing with a system set up to favor a parent based on genitalia. Divorce puts the fun in dysfunctional. But it’s traumatic for kids. Both parents forget this all too easily. We move on. The kids don’t have that capacity yet.

Some suggested books (apologies that no links are provided as this is not an endorsement):

My Dad Loves Me, My Dad Has a Disease: A Child’s View: Living With Addiction by Claudia Black. 2018 – A story for children ages 5-12, with drawing exercises to help them work through their feelings of loss, loneliness, abandonment, and frustration over an addicted parent.

Emmy’s Question by Jeannine Auth. 2014 – A story inspired by the diary of a young girl, and was endorsed prior to publication by the Betty Ford Center’s Children’s Program.

I Can Be Me: A Helping Book for Children of Alcoholic Parents by Dianne S. O’Connor. 2009 – An illustrated book for ages 4-12, this story is aimed at helping children of addicts take off the masks that hide their true feelings and educates them about substance abuse and how the kids are not to blame for their parents’ behavior.

Addie’s Mom Isn’t Home Anymore: Addiction is scary, especially when you don’t know what it is by Genia Calvin. 2021 – Addie is a young girl who doesn’t know who, if not her own mom, she can trust. This story helps a child overcome their fear of helping someone you love who can’t be helped.

Timbi Talks About Addiction: Helping Children Cope with Addiction by Trish Healy Luna, Janet Healy Hellier, and Mackenzie Mitchell. 2020 – A story teaching that addiction is a disease and is not their fault. This book has been recognized as a resource in fighting the damaging impact of adverse childhood experiences (ACEs)

Floating Away: A Book to Help Children Understand Addiction by Andrew J. Bauman. 2019 – A metaphorical story told from the perspective of a child working through a storm

An Elephant in the Living Room by Jill M. Hastings and Marion H. Typpo. 1994 – This illustrated story is one of the early Hazelden children’s books aimed at helping a child cope with alcoholism and addiction.

I welcome your thoughts and encourage all dads to network. Let me know how I can help you. Please join my mailing list or leave a comment below.

Who Has Family Values?

Fri, 23 Sep 2022 18:12:07 GMT

Days and nights on end I try to come to terms with the vast, fast changes happening in the world today. The most visible is the push for all to accept all people and lifestyles of the LGTBQIA+ culture. Would I be revealing my age and faith if I am to say that this culture is making themselves a little hard to accept? Maybe the voice of the minority is speaking the loudest, but I don’t hear a lot of acceptance of others on their part.

The more I stand outside this issue and stretch my observations for objectivity, the more I see the pushing of the culture as political and religious. I ask myself over and over why I’m feeling threatened by the rainbow movement when my lifelong actions have been nothing less than supportive. I grew up in a home where my mother wore the pants. Yet, because women in corporate America had a glass ceiling, she was denied her upward mobility. My dad, brothers, and I were deprived of the wage privilege our family bread-winner was owed and never given. Standing for equal wages came with the territory for me. I lived in the Castro neighborhood of San Francisco during the height of the AIDS epidemic and watched the inaction of government cause untold atrocities against humans because of their sexual preferences. Standing for all human rights, equally, is our responsibility.

So, what is it that separates us? What is it that causes this presumption we can force others to see the world as we do, less they are shamed and kicked off platforms of communication? As I see it, politics and religion, old as humanity, are back to intertwine the innocents into yet another battle neither side can win.

I appear to be neutral, post by post, as a way to seek asylum. By avoiding the actual stating of my values among fellow social media pundits, I get to hear the unabashed opinions of the spectrum of types I follow. Camps becoming more and more divided up thusly into two age-old groupings:

Liberalism vs. Conservatism

Religion (namely Christianity) vs. Non-religious

However, this simplified polarity of ideology is broadened by camps which have their own divisions. For example, there are plenty of liberals who attend Christian churches and schools and have absolute faith in God and the Bible as the word of God. Just as there are conservatives who are Rainbows (I get tired of typing LGBTQIA+). So then, if we are truly living among each other, I must ask, where is all the rage and hatred and lack of acceptance coming from?

A better question is, what if I could solve this problem by pointing out ancient scripture? Could everyone go back to hating greed and the real damage upon society that extreme wealth is wreaking? Would you accept my words? Why so or not?

The words I have to share are from the Bible. My reasoning is personal. I’ve listened to the angry chatter. It comes from both sides and scares me equally. Rainbow liberals commonly hate Christianity because they feel Christians have excluded them from access to their God. Christians hate Rainbows (and Rainbows just might become a religion of their own) because they believe that the Bible clearly states that being gay or lesbian is sinful. It seems easy for the layman to look at the last two sentences and see how mistaken both sides are. However, these sensitivities to the issue are deeply entrenched, emotionally driven, well-worn, triggered neural pathways set firmly and not open to be easily changed.

The Christians historically (the last two centuries) have owned the politics and laws and thus had the numbers. I don’t dispute that this power came from inhumane methods of control and manipulation. This absolute power, because of politics and laws and social media mores, has been dissolving. The Rainbows are now a loud, strong voice and will. They ARE to be heard. So why aren’t Christian seen as good listeners? Why aren’t Christians painted as tolerant, accepting, loving humans just as their leader, Jesus Christ, asked of them? Jesus asked two things of believers: Love the Lord your God, with all your heart and all your soul and all your mind, and love your neighbor as yourself (Matthew 22: 36-40). I think it’s funny that the question asked of Jesus was what God expected of us, as if He and us are separate. We like to complicate the crap out of this, but simplified, no provision is made for certain hate or that certain people don’t qualify. Those are woman and man-made fallacies.

I don’t know exactly how many churches I’ve walked out on because I discovered the pastor hated rainbows or other religions. Hated. Yes, hated. “Jesus never preached hate,” I may have mumbled under my breath as I left the pew during service. I’ve pulled my daughter out of Sunday school more than once because of misguided pastors. When explaining to the Sunday school child care person why we’re leaving before the service is over, I always expressed how I felt, but would not wait to engage in a discussion. Having minimal Biblical theology at my disposal to use as a weapon, I never dared to bring up my disgust for this divisiveness. That is, not until I heard this in church last weekend.

Acts 2, verse 21: But everyone who calls on the name of the LORD shall be saved.

Everyone? What about my gay uncle? What about my trans co-worker or my constant pronoun changing social media subscribers? What about all my brothers and sisters in recovery who have devastated their families and communities while locked in the state of addiction? What about the woman who owns her own business where she takes home seventy percent of the profits and pays the workers who build the products for her only five percent? What about the criminals? Everyone?

The disciple Peter replies, “As long as they repent their sins, turn to God, and be baptized in the name of Jesus for the forgiveness of those sins.” (Acts 2:38) Peter was paraphrasing the prophet Joel from about 800 years prior. “Then, after doing all those things, I will pour out my Spirit upon all people.” (Joel 2:28). In Joel’s prophesy, he stressed that the Holy Spirit would be given to all of God’s people—regardless of age, sexual identity, race, or economic class—no person who reaches out to God is beyond His power. I understand this to mean that I need to get humble and accept that I don’t control the world, outside of making it worse if I want to be immature and selfish. We all sin and have sinned. The shame is in telling ourselves that we are somehow above being accountable to our actions.

It seems as though it serves us well to have some person or group to hate in order to ignore and excuse our own unhealthy behaviors.

In fairness, I don’t know exactly how many close friends and acquaintances I’ve had over the years who have vocalized disdain for religious people. “They’re always looking at me. I know what they’re thinking. They are disgusted with me because of how I (insert made-up reason) look, act, feel, talk, think. It’s their fault the world is fucked up. Do you know how many wars began over Jesus?”

I preached the same words to my parents. In my head, I was a victim of their generation’s hate, so I hated back. I was anti-family and pro-independence. Anything that appealed to my self-centered pleasure I sought regardless of who’s expense it came at. I thought that I was the master I was serving. Until I lost everything. Lost. Everything. All because of being an agnostic drug addict. I found myself praying for a way out. I was brought to who I came to know as the only power strong enough to save me. This time I accepted the help by first showing gratitude for the Power great enough to be changing my life, then by allowing into my head the possibility I had seen things wrong: that my way did not serve or benefit anyone whatsoever. Humbling. Wisdom comes through the perfecting of faith.

My family of origin did not hear me. At an early age I leaned into the creative arts, fierce rebelliousness, and individualistic satisfaction. Connection, growth, commitment—these were enemies of my ideology. I’m writing this to say, if you identify with rainbow clan, I have lived among you. I don’t see anything wrong with how you live other than using Christians, conservatives, or republicans as your enemy. Teaching hate compliments no movement. Same goes for the religious clan. I don’t see anything wrong with how you live other using humans who express their sexuality and individual values different than you as unsavable sinners. Promoting hate lifts no religion.

Both sides don’t have to come together, but neither is the authority on who has family values.

The Use of Pronouns Over 40

Mon, 25 Apr 2022 19:38:13 GMT

I recently volunteered at my local writers conference. As us volunteers learned online what to do and how to be of assistance in certain situations, we were told that we’d have to use pronouns next to our screenname (the entire conference was online). I don’t have a dog in the fight. I’m from the school of thought called, ‘You Do You.’ During the training, one of the middle-aged volunteers asked, “Why do we have to add pronouns to our name?”

The woman providing the training’s voice become combative, defensive. She replied, “There are people who will be attending this conference who will feel unwelcome here if they’re the only one identifying by using pronouns. We don’t want anyone to feel unwelcome, do we?” The person asking went silent. It left me wondering if she felt that her question was unwelcome. If so, should anyone else who dares to navigate the fluid sea feel less than or open to attack if they speak their mind?

I couldn’t help but wonder why a person who is choosing their own pronouns needs to overcompensate. Is anyone that much more unique? Or, is there the notion that the gender fluid are so dammed by societal norms that a feeling of normalcy is only achieved if all of society gets on board and addresses these labels? No one asks the obvious question, “Why are we catering to the sensitivity of a small number of people?” And I know why our curiosity was shut down. It was because we were volunteering on the format of a literary group using their rules.

Well, this is my website, and I’ll follow my rules. I’m stating this to show that any human, middle-aged white males included, can be thoughtful of others without enabling. We don’t, hell, we shouldn’t, have to patronize one sub group of people. Why alter all of our behavior so that a very small minority feel comfortable? And, before you answer this, ask the second part to this question. Why can’t we just stop being critical and judgmental and shaming of others who are finding their way. Why can’t we let them be them and us be us and they be they? Why are we being pushed to change our descriptions of ourselves?

As the writer I am, I need to ask and answer these questions. Sometimes I feel I have to defend myself against a wave of overly sensitive, indecisive youngsters who are specialists in using the social media tool to puff themselves up. Sometimes I feel like my life experience and wisdom can offer value, but no one is asking for it. Sometimes my brain just won’t stop seeking solutions. When I see that solutions are not behind the motivation to air and express the problems, then it’s time to speak up no matter the friction. We are not all supposed to think the same. Maybe my voice is one of the many in the masses who aren’t sure what to say because it takes a very precise reply to a crowd who easily gets vehement with anger anytime their aggressive needs aren’t met.

The gender non-specific description of humans by using pronouns is quite peculiar. Simplified (if this were possible), one could say there are boys and girls. This blanket statement would disqualify naturally occurring rare genders such as hermaphrodites. So, we’re off to a bad start if we want to say there are only two genders. For some reason, the Christian conservatives are outspoken here. The rigid description is hard for me to get behind, especially when my understanding of the bible and the message of Jesus Christ was one of love and acceptance. Science has some input here, but being that I am not a scientist, nor do I have any credentials in this realm, I will be mute. I will say, however, that science can be bought. It should always be questioned, no matter how much it ‘proves’ a popular hypothesis. And boy oh boy do we love believing our scientists to be infallible once they make a discovery which proves one sides’ point of view.

At the next level of fluidity, there are the self-identifying pronouns. He/him, she/her, he/they, she/they and so on. This is the level I’m personally most comfortable with. This level is someone identifying themselves so that other people understand how they self-identify. For the sake of this article, there is no hard, unchanging fact here. I am comfortable with these descriptions because they are fluid and changeable. Don’t almost all of us fit into this categorizing pool? What percentage of the population are rigid throughout their life? In our increasingly equality seeking world, we cannot get around playing multiple roles. I was a single dad with sole custody. Don’t you think I know what being a mom is like? I do. More and more of us are asked to venture outside the age-old constructs of traditional male and female-ness. This is the beautiful side of being human and adapting to situations in order to, as a species, survive or at least provide a best case scenario or outcome. But is it that big of a deal that we have to add pronouns to our names?

I mentioned science. One discussion which never comes up is the influence of BPA plastics on our culture. Around the time my daughter was being fed with a bottle, a study was released about the harm of plastics on our body. Plastics, it was discovered, were absorbed into the human body from soda bottles and water bottles and, lo and behold, baby’s milk bottles. The chemical was being ‘interpreted’ by a male humans body to be estrogen – the female hormone. In the female body, it was ingested as more estrogen. This would explain the very soft males of the younger generation, especially among the middle class and poverty level humans who were sold these plastic products. I mention this as an environmental change affecting our biology—the ‘scientific’ question at the heart of the pronoun matter.

Back to the Millennials and younger generation. Back to the expectation put on understanding a person’s whimsical move from male to female to a mixture to asexual and back. If you are a person who feels that your ever-changing identification must be recognized and accepted, then I think you need to look at how prissy and egocentric this comes off. Who enabled you to believe that you are so much more important than others—so much so that you feel entitled to be angry with anyone who gets wrong or confused about which pronoun or ambiguous name you’ve decided to call yourself this week or month? Is this how you’d like all of us to be? Imagine that for minute … everyone with ever-changing pronouns and first names.

Which brings us to the next level. The human traits. Some men are feminine. I am. I always have been. I was teased in school. I was beat up or at least physically threatened many times by the types of males society called ‘manly men,’ jocks, or rednecks. On the other side of that, I was come on to many times by homosexual men or gays who misinterpreted my femininity as sexual. This led to uncomfortable situations around polar opposite roles of males. But females were drawn (in a sexual way) to my artistic, sensual, nurturing side. With this being my experience, I am including the sexuality of pronoun statements. These are being lumped together, but aren’t they different matters altogether?

Who does a human who identifies as they/them find attractive? Everyone? Even rednecks? Can a she/her seek lesbian relationships where they’re the dominant companion? I’m more or less writing out what I’m thinking stream of consciousness. It’s possible I sound naïve or uninformed. I’m okay with that because I don’t believe we’re going to have this issue twenty years from now. I think it’s a hot button phase created to intentionally get people riled up about an issue there is no solution to other than just loving and accepting one another’s diversity on one hand and on the other not be so sensitive and self-centered to think you are more special than any other human because you changed your hairstyle to look more androgynous and should thusly be catered to while you whimsically move from one pronoun to the next. Truth is, a person like this appears confused and all too often bullies others into accepting them. If I changed my college major from English to Physical Therapy, but didn’t tell you, and you asked me how English was going and I snapped at you, would you understand my anger? I don’t understand yours. It comes off as immature. You’ll never get people onboard if you don’t help them understand you. If someone refuses to understand you, it is childish to accuse them of being sexist or any other deep-seated hatred-invoking gaslit term you only attach to get your way. This is causing more harm than it is helping.

Lastly, I’ve got to say that anyone over 40 who is using pronouns is probably doing it as a manipulation—One which is either politically motivated or personally motivated and has little if nothing to do with one human finding their way through a confusing life journey of understanding one’s own sexuality. I get it for a young person. It’s cultural. Every young upcoming generation since the beginning of time has been asked to find a way to make themselves standout. Sorry to break it to you all you under 40’s who believe social media has crowned you as a special new breed of human—it hasn’t. You are the next in a long line of cage rattlers. And the little kids you see around you who you’ve yet to learn how to be responsible towards, they are up next. Be careful what tools you leave them.

Do The Research

Sat, 27 Nov 2021 16:30:59 GMT

The three least favorite words on social media: Do The Research

I’ve reached a point in responding to comments and posts people make on social media to where I’m losing my ability to edit emotion and pull back concern for etiquette and politeness. For the longest time I’ve paused before firing off an emotional reaction. For the longest time I’ve looked long and deep into what the person meant from as many perspectives as I could assume a viewpoint from. For the longest time I’ve sought to be kind and considerate.

I’m done.

I’ve seen a lot of my favorite people on the elder big three platforms (Facebook, IG, and Twitter) reach the same level of burnout. These are people with hearts of gold and/or otherworldly wisdom. Yet, there’s always some Twitwit with either a propagandistic spin, a political spin, a big corporation bot spin, an anti- (fill in the blank: religion, white, male, colonialist, lawfulness, science, reason, etc.) spin, an ideological spin, a contrarian spin, or a plain outright hateful human. There’s always someone there to throw some monkey wrench on their gear box.

If you haven’t noticed, most of the influencers with hundreds of thousands of followers rarely if ever respond to their detractors. Their loyalists do it for them. And boy do they ever. I’ve never felt dogpiled so much as when I’ve interjected an insight that the poster did not include or recognize. Sometimes I’m agreeing with the post and someone comes out of left field (term intentional) to dispute, delegitimize, or disparage my experience or personal truth based commentary. Usually the remarks are made by someone who, if you asked them if they believe in pouncing on a person who is trying to speak their truth, they’d probably say it would be wrong to do so—unless if contradicted their belief system.

Now these are timeless human interaction traits. This is not new to humanity just because instantaneous digital communication came around. No, not at all. The difficulty in this is that a particular generation has grown up into this, and without any provocation, feels armored, entitled, and grandfathered (they would say grandmothered) into a digital hierarchy or better, a virtual hierarchy. Virtual.

The beginning of Covid-19 shutdowns in early 2020 has been the worst time ever for most self-respecting adults in the United States (and other nations). All of the freedoms we’ve come to take for granted have been set on the chopping block for possible eradication. This set up a generation known to avoid work at all costs to make a power play. It set up a generation to move ahead in the food chain, yet again, without having to earn this advancement. So when the world shut down and turned to social media for human interaction all day and all night, an influencer society took the reins.

For all of us in the work to get ahead class, who live within the realities of putting daily effort into getting ahead for ourselves and our families, we were hit upside the head. We did not know how to live in their world. We did not know how insanely discombobulated their virtual world was. We were subjected to their madly immature, unfair, biased, discriminatory, politically and socially incorrect, insensitive, and fact-less domain. We got to see firsthand the exposure of that generation’s flags and banners, careless and immoral behaviors were having on our little children, whose lives we were missing out on due to being away from home nine plus hours a day. We got to see how impersonal and indoctrinated our teachers have become in their responsibilities of leading the way, perhaps their unions also broken by the generation before them and all the limiting and controlling rhetoric. We, the hard working, had our blinders removed.

So we found ways to fight the … literal bullshit.

There are tools of the closed minded. Be on the lookout. Tools like name calling (idiot, clown, asinine, republican, old, boomer). Socially shaming (racist, sexist, privileged). This virtual generation, who we mistakenly coddled and enabled, had held the reins to this digital realm until we—the boomers, Gen X’ers and Gen Z’ers—all showed up at once and threatened their conceptual ideology of reality. We saw past their imaginary fact-checks and insults. We saw past their delusional magical fantasy world in which they dictated to others. We shot holes in their self-righteousness and pretentiousness. We slapped at their grip on the keys to the kingdom; the one which held close the idea that every problem which exists is neither their fault nor do they have to do anything about it because, if they complain about it, it’s being fixed.

The diehard last bastion of their argumentative tool are my least favorite three words I see in gutless posts: Do The Research.

Do the research?

For starters, these three words are condescending. They imply that the person who responded or wrote a post or idea somewhere has no idea what they are talking about. Even if it is not intended, it is implied. A better response to a statement or post which is refutable would be, “Here is what I’ve learned from research.” I know, I know, this means having to type in four more words, and then actually explain what you’ve learned through research.

Do the research could easily be taken as a way of the person posting meaning to say, “I’m smarter than you,” or “I know this subject matter better than you and you should not bother to reply because I already know more than you do about it, so don’t bother arguing or counter-pointing, or having a different point of view, or thinking on your own outside of my belief systems.” See what I did there? I grew up in a house where we were not allowed to question the person in charge. If we did, that person stopped at nothing to destroy our point of view. What is that called, a narcissist? Yeah. I grew up with that. I grew up believing I was safe as long as I acquiesce. I was trained to be submissive to tyranny. Then I learned how that became a form of self-sabotage anytime someone challenged me. I sure as shit ain’t taking that abuse from some stranger.

Lastly, there’s the aspect of research. What is research anymore? Where do I find answers? I can find a fact, logic, scientific, and/or experience based narrative for practically anything called into question. Just think existentialism or flat-earthers. Proof is in perception. How much do you want to dedicate to getting your perception right? How much influence is your ego having on that perception? How open are you to more than one perception? Just do the research.

Maybe a good response is, “What research did you do?” Of course it’s hard to be polite when you feel someone just called you an idiot in front of however many platform readers in the world observe the interaction. That’s the part that cuts. I’ve been doing the research, and I’m finding that: for my spiritual health, which is a large indicator of my mental and physical health, if I don’t take a break and walk away, I’m the one who caters to my own sickness.

Just walk away.

Scapegoat

Sun, 11 Apr 2021 15:46:48 GMT

If you are open to the idea that alcoholism/addiction is a disease, a mental illness, then it will be easier for you to understand this article. If you are inclined to believe all substance abuse is a moral deficiency or weakness of character, then this article may help you see addiction from a less often shared perspective.

I’m Paul. I am an addict/alcoholic in recovery. This is how I identify. Doing so has led the way for me in coming to accept the malady to which I am one hundred percent certain I am afflicted. Everything I’ve learned from A.A. & N.A. literature (having a Higher Power, sponsorship, meetings, step work, etc.) has helped me become a better human being. It’s helped me much more than decades of self-help books, counseling, therapy, and a lifetime of self-diagnosis. If there is an avenue or program which works better, I am open to trying it.

With that as my humble clarity statement, I am filled with the need to address what isn’t being said. The elephant in the room. There is no statistical data compiled to prove or disprove its existence. I am talking about living a life of recovery outside of working a program.

I’m neither boasting nor making a shameful admission when I tell you that I have not been to a meeting, done step work, spoken with my sponsor, or read the literature in months. This isn’t a new place for me. I’ve been in this place a few times before and did not relapse. I’m no longer, as we like to say, “hanging out in the middle,” with the winners. I’m not working the program. I’m not calling my sponsor for guidance or reassurance. Nor am I feeling the need to ‘tell on myself’ for not putting in the work.

I’ve done all that. Again and again. And not relapsed.

Does this mean there’s the possibility I’m not an addict? FUCK NO!

So, what does it mean?

Allow me to explain by stating up front what I’m up to here. I’m back to being sick and tired of being sick and tired. I’m sick of using the program as a means of acquiring forgiveness from the fellowship, thus forgiving myself. I’m sick of gauging my wellness through the approval of others. I’m tired of the same ‘lecture’ from my sponsor and being penalized with having to compile lists or step work. If certain core behaviors haven’t changed in 13 years, something about the method isn’t correct. To be clear, I’m not blaming the program, however, I suspect I’m taking advantage of, or worse yet, using it.

You see, I’m as resourceful as any addict out there. I know who I am and I know I have a disease. Why wouldn’t my disease figure out how to manipulate the steps, the fellowship, and my sponsor? It doesn’t know any other way. Deep down, it has figured out how to distort my perception.

To make my case, I’m going to point out perhaps my worst shortcoming: Rage. When I am upset, I lash out. I don’t pause, nor stop to consider where you are coming from. Having fight or flight tunnel vision, I see you as the enemy and I seek to keep you from being my equal. I can’t let you be at my level. God forbid you get one up on me. I lose control of everything. I become sharp, defensive, angry, threatening, demeaning, indifferent, and, impersonal. I take it all out on you in a split second. Then once I smell blood, I start to feel bad, which leads next to blaming, shaming, and guilt-tripping. Last, I’ll act like it wasn’t that bad—the way I acted/reacted—and I want to be close again. The program has taught me to apologize and strive with great effort to take measures not to repeat. But there’s more than one way to feed a bird.

This shortcoming of mine has come up every time I’ve worked the steps. I’ve done therapy over it. And for years I used to snuff it and minimize it. But once it flairs, it is too late. I become powerless over my own rage. Autopilot super-bully. My shortcoming is behind most amends I’ve made over the years. I’ve even gone months and months without acting on it. Somehow, it has always found its way to the front of my emotional expression. Then off it goes. The program taught me how to identify it. Therapy taught me how to confront it. Nothing has taught me how to avoid it.

My argument is that if I can never escape it, and it has the highest chance of causing the greatest harm of all my defects, then shouldn’t avoiding it be a favorable, healthier option? Run this by as many defects as you can think of. The answer should be yes.

But I absolutely have to clarify what I mean by ‘escape.’

Not only do I mean that I must avoid getting myself into situation in which I will act on my character defects. Not only do I mean that I must learn behaviors in which I will address the antagonistic situations where I’m most likely to feel the need to act on my defects. I also mean that I need to understand the part of me who subconsciously arranges my own demise.

Now, behind nearly every one of those situations which I’ve identified as triggering my character defect, is my other character defect: people pleasing. When I let myself be more concerned with looking good in a person’s eyes whom I’d like to win or earn favor, I doom myself.

And it goes deeper still. If there’s such a thing as a character defect trifecta, mine would be sensitivity. It is natural for me to be hyper-aware of people. But what if that is everyone around me? Seriously, toward anyone I come in contact with I either take inventory of, take offense to, or take a liking to. All of which, in return, take my thoughts hostage. How do I deal with the necessity of giving myself safe space?

In the program I was taught that true growth is uncomfortable. Noted. Year after year I forced myself to go back into the damning fire. I kept coming back feeling the same – defeated, less than, accused of being too delicate – then blowing up. Sometimes I think the only thing as strong as my addicts’ desire to destroy me is my will’s determined self-preservation. The only thing stronger than both is God.

Then Covid-19 forced us into isolation. This created an out for me that I thought about long and hard and eventually took advantage of. Personal relationships and social problems were amplified many times over in 2020. The fast track I was on my entire life got hit with a yellow flag. I could no longer do whatever the fuck I wanted at my pace. I realized I had been blessed with an extremely long leash. But every dog has his day, even if it has learned to be a good dog (most of the time).

I found myself more isolated than I was comfortable with. I was alone, but not because I wanted to be. As a typical addict who feels like the center of everyone’s universe, I saw the imploding world as an amplified version of my sickest character shortcomings. No matter what direction I focused my attention, conflict arose. What I saw was not attractive. What I saw needed to be changed, from within. I went to all my trusty rely-on’s: Prayer, sponsorship, sharing at meetings, service work. I still came face to face with my own ugly.

This anxious state of mind led me back to the beginning. “God’s got this.” In survival mode, it is hard to do or be anything other than surviving. What I also saw, though, was that the country had turned ugly like my insides. I remembered how hard it was to stop getting high every day. All my tools could only help me so much. I had to help myself. I had to embrace the unknown and live as if I’m going to be okay once I learn how to do something I don’t know how to do. I don’t have to rage. I don’t have to undermine. I don’t have to react. I’ve been choosing to, and I’ve been too accepting of the consequences. The program has been my scapegoat here. I’ve chosen to blame the program for not getting better. Now I know it’s not the program, either. It’s me.

Fourteen years ago I decided I had had enough of being physically, mentally, and spiritually bankrupt, so I chose to stop using dope. The program showed me how. I did the work. More than that, I committed to it. Now I’m done losing control of my anger and emotion. I’m tired of fearing the moment I become powerless. I’ve chosen to allow it. I’ve chosen to let it out of its confining walls; to exert and expel it … BUT … not for three to five days.

If, after five days -- after owning my part in the building up, after examining thoroughly the other parties part, after seeking to ‘feel’ every side, after putting myself in the other parties shoes and examining from their side what I think they think my side is, after letting steam off the emotion, after imagining all possible outcomes and consequences – if after all that I still have a determined will to rage, then by golly, I guess I’ll have to just rage.

But I haven’t. I’ve been able to get angry but not ‘at’ anyone. I’ve allowed myself to speak harsh and direct if it is warranted, but it hasn’t been. So I speak plain and expressively. And I’ve been feeling empowered. All of this is so new, I’m not sure how to take it.

Does this mean my head ceases to lie to me? FUCK NO!

It means I have to be very careful. Very careful. You see, I believe in all the things the program taught me. I believe my disease is doing push-ups. It always has. I have no reason to think it isn’t. I’ve experienced firsthand the anti-dote: Service, fellowship, transparency, humility, God-centeredness.

Much like religion, the program is made up of people. People are the strength and weakness. We are all human and we all need connection. Some take advantage of this need. Some let them. How do you stand up to those acting in their worst behaviors without losing your place in the fellowship? Nobody knows.

No one has come to a meeting after one or five years of being gone and said, “Hey. I figured out that being here all the time isn’t necessary. Especially if you are the type of highly sensitive person like myself who tends to want to give your energy away and feed the needs of others before yourself. You don’t have to be here and put on the look good or look bad or look at me or look away. You can stay clean without the programming.”

In 13 years of meetings, I haven’t heard anyone say it. Not once.

Paul Summers Jr.

Meetings, Steps, and What Lives Matter

Tue, 02 Feb 2021 04:17:53 GMT

I’m pretty active on social media for an older person. It seems like maybe the algorithms of the major players have chased away some of the hurtful, cruel, hateful interactions and posts. But maybe I’m just not looking and accepting the same bullshit I did a few months back. I’ve definitely hardened.

So we have a new year. But I don’t want to pretend like all is well out there in the trenches. I’ve survived 13 years of being clean, and I can tell you with a dead pan look in the eye that I couldn’t have done it without working the 12 steps. It doesn’t matter if it’s the twelve steps of AA, NA, CR, or any other group or rehab which embraces them, what matters is that they are the foundation. The foundation for saving lives.

I got to admit, I didn’t indulge fully in social media like others. Not at first. It took me a while to pay close attention and dig in. For a while there, it seemed like I had found unity among the entire spectrum of people trying to be free of their addiction, no matter what it was. And I was grateful for any and every opportunity to offer some kindness or words of wisdom to assist that person to flourish in recovery and reclaiming their life.

But then this gradual, negative rhetoric popped up, almost overnight. It really took hold during the black lives matter reemergence after the horrible George Floyd death/ alleged murder. It was feeling more and more each day we were all trapped in a boiler room. Some dirt was being slung in every direction when it came to certain people having privilege and having biases (conscious or unconscious) work in their favor.

I tried raising the argument that recovery knows no color boundaries or economic exclusions. Drugs and booze and codependency play no favorites when it comes to age, race, color, or religious preference. The disease does not discriminate. Yet, people were quick to lash out at the twelve step programs. The one place I could blend in amongst my people was now being called out in big, big ways.

I heard, “White people get rehab, people of color get jail sentences.” On the surface, I can’t dispute that. I can’t say it’s true either, but at the same time I can’t find numbers which would support it either way. I certainly couldn’t afford rehab, and I despised the assumption that, because of my skin color, I’m well off. That generalization bothers me. In fact a great article written by recovery author Amy Dresner suggest that it is part of the black culture to refuse help the likes of meetings and sponsorship and fellowship. This may be carry over from the heavy crack years. A drug which influenced culture immensely, yet tore apart the black community.

The point I’m trying to make is that, once those kind of sayings and memes began to be thrown around, people (mostly white) started chiming in on how unfair, biased, and unequal the 12 step programs are. Some were saying things like, “we don’t see our kind of people in there,” or “it’s just white supremacists and stalking predators who are in those meetings.” Yes. I read that, more than once.

What the fuck?

I can’t deny that there are bad people in meetings. I can’t tell you who or how many. I can tell you there is no recovery program where everyone who attends is a saint. Now, at the same time, I am not trying to defer the truth by coming up with excuses. There is validation if I were to say the same thing about any group of people, including the LGBTQ group or any other gathering. There are bad people everywhere.

And there are good people.

There are good people who are concerned about your recovery. But I was starting to get the feeling some movement was coming to fruition that didn’t want people to get recovery. Maybe that sounds a little bit paranoid. What kind of group would not want people to get clean and support each other.

But the fact is they are out there.

I think of it with this metaphor. What if someone were standing outside every meeting hall; every dank church basement where the broken come together. What if someone were standing there in the lot or at the doorway saying, “Don’t go in there, there’s pedophiles and racists in there.” How true is that? How do you think that would that be received? There’s freedom of speech in the negative. No one could stop that person. And, he or she might be telling the truth.

But isn’t it true with everywhere? Every business you are a patron of, every school you attend, every church you congregate to, every park you play in, every online group you’re a member of. Mixed in upon all of us are violent, mentally ill, dangerous, vicious, tormented, criminal, devious, lawless people. The only thing that fact has to do with the 12 steps is that they offer a way for those mixed among us to become productive, healthy, responsible, open-minded people.

But, for the sake of playing this out, what would be the effect having someone standing outside a meeting shouting “beware” like a religious zealot on a soapbox in front of a death metal concert. What effect would she have on meeting attendance? What if someone from the meeting told her to leave? Would she further believe slighted by closed-minded 12 steppers? Would she accuse them of limiting her rights and her freedoms.

Think of how many people would miss out on hearing the message of recovery as told by addicts who have lived and nearly died experience all the nuances of addiction. To those people who simply don’t want to adopt the 12 steps as your method of accountable recovery, you should ask yourself: Is your opinion greater than the lives of all the people who are recovering? Are you okay with the deaths of suffering addicts, alcoholics, and codependents and the trauma of their family members? This is life or death. We can’t toy with our future’s. In recovery, all lives matter equally.

I got into some heated arguments in the past few months over this very topic. Some people are convinced 12 step programs are a cult. Some people are convinced that the anonymous programs are offered only to (I hate saying this), whites—worse yet, that meetings discriminate; that the rooms are filled with old dudes trolling for young broken females; and lastly, that the steps (because they were written by white guys) are a colonialist non-female, non-person of color outfit. I have argued with these people. They are entitled to their opinion, but they are preaching it like gospel. If I was a young black woman seeking to get off prescribed opioid addiction, … it’s bad enough that I have a drug problem and that my disease is telling me not to seek help, but to then hear of this sort of potential discriminatory membership?

I’m starting to think that anything or anyone who wants to help addicts and alcoholics are targeted by people who don’t really want to do what it takes to get off all drugs. I’ve followed some of the staunch opponents to recovery and found many of them to be users who are still in the denial and rationalization mindset our steps talks about and has solutions for. Many of them are addicts who don’t want to look at any program which will bring conflict to the lies being manufactured in their head.

If this is you, please know that you are being tricked by your own brain. You don’t have to go to an anonymous program to get clean, but you do have to abstain from using all drugs in order to recover. There is NO Way around that. If you think projecting your weakness onto programs which have worked for a half century will save you, you are wrong, but you just might cost anyone who believes in you their life. And that is not fair to them. Speak up, speak out, but until you have found your way that works, preface your loud social media keyboard warrior rants with the statement, “In my opinion dot dot dot."

We all know that, if you find a way that works, you’re not going to pay any mind to the ones you think don’t, because you’ll be humble enough to see that everyone gets to recovery somehow. No method is proven. If there’s something better than the 12 steps around to help me get and stay clean, I’ll drop the 12 steps in a heartbeat. I’m stickin’ with what works for me. If you got something that works for you, promote the shit out of it … please. But you have to be clean to preach about being sober. Just a fact. Otherwise, just like certain individuals voicing their opinion about how much their way works, you are a hypocrite, no matter how many people follow you.

That’s all I got.

Be good to you.

A Few More Days To Go

Fri, 15 Jan 2021 16:55:13 GMT

Just a few more days, my friends.

Does this mean we will be able to express our beliefs and opinions again?

Does this mean our disagreements will be shared respectfully?

Does this mean we can peacefully raise concerns about true equal rights without fear of repercussions like being bullied, social disapproval, losing your job, having your business boycotted, having your home rioted, having your name defamed, or being physically or verbally assaulted?

That would be nice.

If you are like me, you’ve found that the only way you can ease some of the stress and tension of the last few years is by telling yourself you don’t have a dog in the fight. After all, politics are so much bigger than any one of us. My small voice is not going to be able to do or say or write something which will alter the current climate, right? My small voice is not going to be able to take the accumulation of all my wisdom and knowledge and know-how, and tell everyone exactly what they’ve all been needing to hear. My small voice doesn’t come with a megaphone whereas the outcome listening to my suggestions will be that the entire country changes over night.

Thank you, but, no.

Change doesn’t happen that way. Not because one, or a hundred, or 67 million people want it to. I can’t think of any organic movements where the will of the people created an abrupt wave which altered how every one of us thinks. Maybe rock and roll.

Until a year ago.

One sure way change happens is when it’s forced on us. The kind of change only a tyrannical government could do unto us. Such authoritarian or dictatorial power is illegal in the United States of America. Unless the people vote otherwise. A trustworthy voting system is our only hope for a reliable barometer of the American will.

Nearly every one of us has a dog in the fight. There has been an uptick in political gains. It’s safe to say America is a two party system, therefor the more power one party has over the other, the more they can affect change—molding us all to accept and follow their ideology as they see fit. I can’t say with a straight face that I’ll be able to change the world with any of my super great ideas. I can barely get across to my thousand followers on social media, let alone my own offspring. It’s a lost cause for me. But most of you are like me in this regard. Our voice was never heard – that’s why the world is in the shape it’s in.

It’s important to note here that there’s a growing impatience and frustration among the young guard. From what I’ve seen and read, most Millennials are not too happy with anyone who has lived more than 30 years in the real world. The social media influencers and little Greta’s of today are fed up with us. They are telling it on the mountain that we, the elders, the stewards of the future for all of us, didn’t do enough to protect them. We were so busy earning the comforts and conveniences they enjoy, we didn’t do enough to raise them. We did too much enabling. We destroyed their planet. We sacrificed nothing for them – nothing at all.

That’s the impression I get. So now the youth are angry with the elderly and unaccepting with the world they are being handed. I feel like there is no worse time for the digital technological advancements to replace the old processes, formats, and conventionality. While the older generation is using these tools for friendship and business marketing (so they can make more money to spoil their kids), the younger one is using these tools to undermine them. “Biting the hand that feeds” is what my Dad would say. Oh yes, rebelling is normal and very human, yet no generation has ever had a tool like this to propagandize immaturity in these proportions. These are unproven, very powerful weapons.

In a few more days, the political climate will change. Four years of hateful rhetoric will all dissipate into the lifeless air like Wi-Fi frequencies. We can begin anew. Will we?

If you’ve leaned toward conservative or Republican Party values, you no longer have a scape goat. You will have to stand up for yourself and your inalienable rights. There’s a possibility your ideals will no longer be legal to express.

If you’ve leaned toward liberal or Democratic Party values, you no longer have a scape goat. You will have to stand up for yourself and your inalienable rights. There’s a possibility your ideals will no longer be legal to express.

If you’ve been leaning somewhere in the middle, you no longer have a scapegoat. You will have to stand up for yourself and your inalienable rights. There’s a possibility your ideals will no longer be legal to express.

So how is this cultural revolution going to happen? And how will it be good for the masses?

I see a lot of people trying to get the message of peace, and of love, across. I see people trying to bridge gaps in the ever-widening divides between once tolerant groups and once accepted, conflicting ideologies. I see a lot of resistance to anything that isn’t part of a movement large enough to squash it. The small stuff, the little guy, the underdog … well these are no longer being included. I also see that I’m becoming more of a rare person. No matter what side I’m on, I still believe in the existence of the opposite. No matter how bitter or wrong I think the opposite is, I value its existence.

A few more days.

More than anything, I’m afraid we’ve become addicted to this bitter animosity ailment. Our habitual harassment and routine resentment is way beyond the 28 days needed to induce withdrawal symptoms once we disengage. More than ever, I pray for US.

Last Days - Be Responsible

Sun, 10 Jan 2021 18:08:52 GMT

I posted, “12 days, my friends,” on Facebook.

What I wanted to say was, “Be Responsible.”

Does anyone remember the phrase, “The devil made me do it?” I’m not sure when this was popular. It seems to have waned a great deal. My guess is that, the less relevant God is when it comes to having a place in our social fabric, the less place the devil has in our lives as well. The upcoming generations, as a whole, seem less interested in continuing to carry the religious baton.

As a Believer and a human who is faithful to a Higher Power of my choosing, I am grateful to the being whom I call God. It is Him I thank for everything I do and have. All those positive qualities and character assets that make me a considerate, loving, caring, peace and serenity seeking, less self-centered, more thoughtful, self-supporting, humbled human are all thanks to having the concept of God (and accepting of what others Believe to be their Deity). Everything I have is by the grace of God. Those of you who know my story know that I had nothing the day I got clean and surrendered my will to the Power that tore my life away from the suicide course I was on.

Living under these terms, however, requires a person to be responsible. There really is no other way to progress with peace. When I believed in only my self and my determination, I created a lot of destructive pain within and without. Fortunately, my immature years were lived during a time self-centered, irresponsible behavior was frowned upon.

My! How things have changed.

Corruption, by definition, is being in power or control, and being irresponsible with it. Fraudulent, dishonest, erroneous and debased, our society is becoming like a plague unto itself. Just like most people I talk to or write to or read posts by, someone else is to blame. The devil. “The devil made me do it.”

A very large piece of my growth came via accepting the things I could not change, changing the things I could, and having the wisdom to know the difference. Through this little gem called The Serenity Prayer, I learned that nobody can make me do anything I don’t want to. Psychologists will hammer this out for you. Applied to this post, we’ve got to stop blaming our inability to control our anger, rage, and dishonesty on others.

No one makes us do anything (I’m not talking about situations under duress or imprisonment or threatened with violence). We have a choice.

I think the biggest reason I entitled my Facebook post, “12 days, my friends,” was to make a statement. It has to do with the end of one politicians term, and the beginning of another. That part is probably obvious given the date of the post. But there is, as is typically true with me, much more to it.

I want to know just what everyone believes is going to change on January 20th.

The finger pointing. The blaming. The blocking and cancelling and unfollowing. The refuting. The impatience. The disregard of law. The disregard of age-old processes. The disinformation. The filter-less shaming. The ignorance of values. The polarizing. The unwelcoming of diversity. The unaccepting of equality. The dishonest storytelling. The facts mirage.

These are all choices. All emotional triggers. All have been used under the label of “that person made me do it.” The devil made me do it.

Who is your devil?

Is it the media? Is it the mega-corporation mogul? Is it the oligarchy? Is it the orange guy? Is it the people who think like the orange guy? Is it the people who despise the orange guy? Is it the left? Is it the right? Is it the people with different skin tone? Is it the government? Is it the people who have different sexual preferences? Is it the privileged (or those who have privilege calling others privileged)? Is it the teachers union? Is it social media? Is it the people who don’t work? Is it those getting rich off drugs (legal and illegal)? Is it the officer? Is it those getting rich off enabling people? Is it the opposite sex? Is it the spinning of facts as you see them? Is it the fabricating of facts into how they see them?

Just who is your devil? You know, the one that is making you do it. The one whose fault it is that feel like a cat in the corner and you have no other choice but to come out scratching at eyes, posting with hate, protesting with violence, slandering with extreme prejudice, taking up arms. Who will you blame when our freedom is stripped away because we became ashamed of having differences and values and expressive voices.

Don’t make me your devil. I have nothing to do with your actions.

Be responsible.

Be good to you.

Thirteen Days

Sun, 10 Jan 2021 15:49:43 GMT

I posted, “13 Days, my friends,” on January 8th, 2021 on my Facebook page.’’

What did I mean by that?

If Freedom and Equality are important to you read on. If you feel like these are antiquated values from colonialist patriarchal mindsets, please stop right here. You will not like what you are about to read. It may just make you think.

The President who was elected in 2016 is on his way out in 13 days.

He was voted in by 63 million humans. Americans from all walks of life. Some of them felt displaced and were seeking a solution—some of them were refugees of the camp.

The camp.

I am a straight, white, middle-aged male. My values lean toward liberal, tolerant, accepting, accomplishing through work, expression, self-determination, independence, equality, democratic, loyalty, and freedom for all. For the majority of my life I, even though I am a white male, have been a minority. I am an artist, and because of my commitment to my artistic freedom, I have lived below the poverty level for all but the last six years.

During President Obama’s administration a shift began. As a man raising a daughter by himself, I was too busy being a full-time Dad and full-time employee and recovering substance abuser to pay attention to much else. As a truck driver I was able to listen to talk radio. Thom Hartmann was my favorite, especially his “Breakfast with Bernie” segment. I learned so much about oligarchy’s and corporate greed through them. The disenfranchising of hard working humans made me angry. But I tempered my talk radio education with conservative radio shows like Rush Limbaugh and Lars Larsen. I felt like a balance existed somewhere. I sought to find it.

In opening my eyes more to the world around me, I found a form of discrimination growing. I found it in people’s attitudes. As the baton of gatekeeper was being passed to the Millennials, I praised the idea. Was this going to be the first generation of Americans where anyone, regardless of sex, age, religion, non-religion, sexual preference, nationality or creed, be given equity and inclusiveness and fair treatment?

“Please let it be so!” I prayed; especially being a man raised by a woman (who was held beneath her earning potential) and is now raising a daughter he hopes and wishes can become anything in this world she wants to become. Oh! The future looked rich.

But forces on social media grabbed a foot hold.

After four years of Obama, I watched what I perceived as a future hijacked. I was no longer seeing people hired because of their ability. I was no longer seeing all people accepted. I was no longer seeing inclusiveness.

In fact, I was seeing the opposite of this. It was a rude awakening. Instead of bolstering the values we all felt we could get behind in Obama’s election night speech, the majority of women and people of color looked to gain their equality at the expense of white males. Solely, by the color of my skin and the existence of my genitals (two things I have no control over), I felt I was being removed from the camp I had fought long and hard to defend. Vicious, heartless attacks on my ‘kind’ were committed in the name of equity. I could be called a racist or sexist but was told in the same breath that I am not allowed to call out someone as being and acting racist or sexist. The same inequity despised by anyone who wasn’t straight white male up until that point was now being embraced by feminism, LGBTQ, and BIPOC. The same ugly attitude. No regard was given to how much I accepted and adored those different from myself. I was now their enemy – guilty without a trial.

What does one do when they are removed from the camp they’ve spent their life knowing and understanding; living, breathing, enduring, and persevering the persecution for? Where does one go? Do they join the other side? Really? Is that an option?

I have a voice, too, you know.

The past four years have been a concerted effort to change something in the soul of my country. I’m concerned that it is not for the better. If the camp threatens, then seeks, to punish the expressions of those who question or oppose it, then it is dangerous for everyone. I keep thinking long and hard of ways to communicate to my friends and followers without being confrontational about this simple concept. I’ve been placed outside the camp because you (they, us, them) have told yourself that I am of less value now. This is prejudice. This is discrimination. It is divisive. It is not inclusive.

In 13 days, will we see the end of racism, inequality, misogyny, corporate and government superiority, suppression, and the extinction of the threat of authoritarianism?

So read this, and understand my past and history of always seeking to understand and offer love to the heart of a person. I’ve been silent because I’m afraid. I’m afraid things will go too far. I’m afraid of losing the freedom I barely fully understand yet refuse to take for granted. I’m afraid we’re being emotionally blackmailed to turn against what makes us human. Love is the answer.

Seven Days of Manifesting Spiritual Principles

Mon, 05 Oct 2020 03:15:33 GMT

Day One - Integrity

“There’s a fungus among us.”

Why did I start with that? Let’s get right down to it. I’ve done enough research to know … we’ve all been mined into being a commodity to be manipulated by the powers that be. Our thoughts have been coerced and instigated by eye candy of devious intent.

Once an ‘us vs. them’ culture is established, the division of people is accessible. It’s been done in the past and is being done right now. As American’s we’ve survived many tides, but the power of this one is in each and every one of our hands, all day and night.

We’re forgetting how to be human. We’re being programmed into being slaves. That’s right, slaves. Polarization didn’t seem like that big of a deal two years ago, now I see it as the destruction of the fragile fabric we call society. It is more fragile than we know.

Then I started thinking. I’m scared. I don’t want this to happen. I, too, am guilty of staunch criticism of many things. Had smart phones been around while I was in my 20’s, I would’ve been a keyboard demon of the highest levels. I have that much venom inside me. It’s part of my nature. But the nature recovery has taught me is to accept, love, and forgive.

As you read this, I’m asking this of all of you. Accept, love, forgive.

I presented this week long series of posts on Instagram. My idea here was to point out that true resistance isn’t to overpower the woes of being human. There will always be crime. There will always be racism. There will always be systemic corruption. But when we the people give up on keeping law-abiding values at the pinnacle, we are doomed to fall. What we tolerate should not be false messages. What we tolerate should not be social lies. Instead of standing by your brother or sister with a megaphone in their ear so they hear your opinion, we should be seeking truth. All of us each have an opinion. Some are just more adamant about making damn sure theirs are heard. With a press of a screen we fire back at them, algorithms are given input, and your eyes are next subjected to images and memes reflecting whatever it is which motivates you to engage. The media has capitalized on this for decades. But there was a time when a journalist was fired or sued for manipulating facts, libel, or misinformation. When and why did this moral compass change?

Which brings us to integrity.

I have opinions. I have beliefs. I have favorites. I have values. What these are is not important to this article. What is important? That our nation is filled with people across the spectrum when it comes to these four pillars which make up a personal identity – and for that person they change over time. So, as I continue to make a point here, keep in mind that I’m attempting to practice self-discipline and open-mindedness.

When I watch the news, I pay very close attention to the wording. Think about how products are marketed. When we see a gaunt woman with a pretty face in a swimsuit, our eyes tend to go toward her face, then body, then swimsuit. I know there are exceptions to this, but hear out the point I’m making. If all we see for nine months or years is the same type body with the same type hairstyle and pretty face, our opinions are being manipulated. The image begins to set in that this particular body style is beautiful and glamorous. Studies have proven this. Our minds are being affected intentionally.

At the offset, many people, especially men don’t get what this has to do with anything. Unless a man is with his mate who has a much different body type and he is caught staring or approving of the advertisement. Then, if his mate is vulnerable, she will express her poor self/body image based on the inundation of ads telling women what men find attractive. The product makers are simply trying to sell bathing suits. But it is much more than that, isn’t it? Today, we have the same naïve, yet destructive, intentions making our news media super- powerful opinion generators. It’s an onslaught of disinformation, misinformation, lack of information, slander, insensitivity, and all out lying to win over buyers. No integrity. Read between the lines.

If a news source includes a negative word to describe a person, they are espousing an opinion.
For example:
“The racist President Donald Trump has closed the border.”

How does that effect the person who voted against this administration versus who voted for it? Very differently. There are decades of psychological studies behind this. Wording. Powerful wording.

During the wildfires raging in the West, reports were coming in about some of them being set intentionally. A statement was made on national news:

“There is no member of antifa or boogeyman setting these fires. These are all rumors.”

This message went out two days into the weeks long devastation. This is a blatant lie. Nobody can make that determination two days into a cataclysmic event without an investigation. Nobody. I wonder why the media and a few sheriff departments would say that then? Why? Who would benefit from such a determined campaign to judge without facts how deadly fires were set?

Any news source you observe, whether on the right or on the left, which uses colorful adjectives to describe a person, is very likely to be reporting their opinion on that event, group, or person.

Think about the rules you have to follow in the work place. There are strict guidelines today which are intended to protect every employee from discrimination. If you felt strongly that a specific group were offensive, and a member of that group worked with you. You would have to stay silent or you would lose your job. Why aren’t these guidelines being adhered to in media?

In social media we are entitled to our opinion. Yet many of us are finding ourselves more and more isolated for expression of what we think. What we think can’t hurt anybody. Read that again.

When we tell others what to think is when people get hurt. Examine case after case of mass shootings or micro terrorist events. With only a few exceptions, the mental health of the assailants gradually became molded and manipulated by propagandist groups. Now it is happening across the world via the power of a corporate media who has lost the character to report with integrity.

Unless we uphold integrity in media and social platforms, we willingly fall for their deception. Their power is too great. Our only strength is in saying no. Our power as humans is in shutting it off. If we rely on social media for our socializing or business, then our power is to question.

Be Good To You: Taking Steps 2020 - Step One

Wed, 08 Apr 2020 02:59:03 GMT

I’m Paul Summers, your neighborhood addict, alcoholic, overeater, and co-dependent. Good God Man!

Thank you for clicking on this translation of the Taking Steps 2020 episode from my Be Good To You Podcast: Step One, admitting we’re powerless over our vices and that our lives have begun spinning out of control. If you feel like you are unable to live with or without drugs, booze, binge-eating, or an unhealthy relationship, keep reading…

“ The ultimate weapon for recovery is the recovering person.” (Narcotics Anonymous Basic Text {Fifth Edition Pg. 15})

For this Taking Steps 2020 post, I’m breaking up the monthly topics to coincide with the twelve steps which began with AA, and are used by NA, Celebrate Recovery, Al-Anon as well as other rehab and treatment centers. If the program you’re working is influenced by the twelve steps and wasn’t mentioned, please notify me, I would like to include it.

I cannot stress enough the importance of going through each month’s topic starting from January: Step One. These Taking Steps Episodes are in order for a reason. I know from experience, that it can be very tempting to jump forward. For example, maybe you’ve been clean or sober for a little while now and you’re really feeling the clarity of your actions, so you’d like to make it up to those you’ve harmed. Please hold on; you’ll need to practice trust and patience. Trust that the steps are in order for a reason; they are the result of generations of trial and error and continuous improvement. Have patience in knowing there’s more internal work you’ll need to do before you move on.

We’re either growing or molding.

This month’s Topic is two-fold: Powerlessness , and Unmanageability .

Part One: Powerlessness.

The first thing we need to work on is staying clean. If your story is like mine, you were not a person of integrity nor accountability when you were loaded. I was so broken by my years of active using, it was easy for me to identify myself as an addict and alcoholic. If you have trouble with this admission, I can only suggest that you try to be open minded. If you don’t believe identifying yourself in this way is an admission of the truth, and not some variation on denying what is, or how things could or should be, then keep listening, maybe even try praying before deciding.

Now, I’m all over social media. I spend hours researching public opinion. That glutton-for-punishment side of myself just won’t die-it doesn’t seem to want to go away! Anyway, I’m seeing the negative comments attached to identifying as an addict, alcoholic, etc; that it’s demeaning, that it’s a cultish breaking of spirit. In over a decade of recovery, I haven’t seen any evidence of that being the case. I’ve never seen anyone harmed by admitting they suspect something about their life is unhealthy.

Ask yourself this, “Could you ever control your using for any length of time?” I couldn’t. I tried many times and in many ways. This happens at varying degrees for each individual. I’ve tried using different combinations of drugs, different drugs, and devoted abstinence from one (which was booze) by substitution of another (pain pills). I stopped drinking for ten years while my opioid and stimulant abuse spiraled out of control.

Here’s another example: You might be able to go a month having just one line before work. Then, one weekend, you go apeshit and burn through two 8-balls and miss work Monday, then Tuesday you're back to one line. This could be your reality for years. Then it changes. That’s when you know. Your ability to control the vice is waning, fast. And it is progressive. I’ll get into why you might have the disease of addiction, and help you with a clear understanding of what that means, in a different podcast.

Powerlessness is using against our will. It’s acknowledging the endless thoughts related to using, getting more, and never running out of drugs. It’s also the compulsive impulse to continue using, no matter what happens.

There is a part of you who really wants to stop. This part of you is clawing its way up through the denial, justification and rationalization of unhealthy thoughts and behaviors. If those aspects win, you’ll end up either on the streets, in prison, leaching the lifeblood out of someone who loves you, or you will die. I can’t describe your options any more truthfully than that.

Have you tried quitting and could not? Have you tried doctors, treatment programs, religion, moving, changing jobs, getting into crazy relationships, or being intentionally alone? Me too. No instant fix all my complex thoughts could think of could permanently hold back my obsession to get loaded again. It always resurfaced.

When I ran out of ways to trick myself that I didn’t have a problem. When the truth became undeniable that I could not overcome my own unhealthy compulsions, I again asked for help—this time, however, I opened up to receive it, to allow it, to give it a chance. I surrendered my destructive will for a willingness to listen to people who were getting and staying clean.

The message of recovery is a pain in the ass sometimes. But since we can’t save our face and our ass at the same time, we’re better off allowing ourselves to give it some thought. Looking good on the outside is not going to save your life.

Part Two: Unmanageability.

Indulging in my vices, I concluded, would always lead me back to physical, mental, and spiritual pain. And no matter how much I isolated myself to protect those who loved me, no matter how cruelly I severed my ties, I still hurt people when I partook of those vices. It’s what we as addicts, alcoholics, overeaters, and co-dependents do. It’s one thing we have in common. We end up in a place where our lying to ourselves has to stop if we’re ever hoping to get well.

The lies are what led us to believe we were doing okay, when in reality, our lives had become unmanageable. I remember thinking this way when I ran out of dope: If I could just take one more hit, I could shut off my craving’s-infected brain long enough to figure out how to abstain – for good this time.

Then, after I got that ‘one more hit,’ which was usually more than one – just in case, my brain would tell me to go ahead and finish off the last of this most recent score, THEN I will stop.

In fact, I often obsessed on getting clean immediately after I took that hit! What was really going on was that I found a way to beat myself up for doing what I wanted, and for not doing what I wanted. Eventually that feeling of self-loathing, coupled with a lack of worthiness, brought me to a hopeless place where I didn’t give a shit anymore. Fuck it.

If you don’t think your life is unmanageable, ask someone who loves you. They may not tell you in the kindest terms. They may tell you in a way that ‘makes’ you want to go get loaded. If that’s not enough proof, go to a meeting of people who have reclaimed their lives from their destructive vices, and listen. If you don’t identify with anything they are saying, try somewhere else. Please don’t allow your wandering mind to get caught up in crap that has nothing to do with your recovery. It will want to.

It will want to tell you you are different.

It will want to tell you you are not that bad off.

It will want to tell you you can’t do this; you can’t have what these recovering people have.

It won’t tell you that you’ll need to completely change how you think or you’ll likely go back to using.

It won’t tell you you’re destroying a beautiful being.

It won’t tell you You may have to wait until you can no longer stand how you go about life.

Not until something drastic compels you to admit to the unmanageability which plagues you—

Not until then are you able to see how drugs have been unwillingly given the power to change you into someone you didn’t ever want to be.

Hey. We need each other.

I don’t know of anyone, successful or otherwise, who has mastered the ability to manage their life completely alone. So what makes us believe we can when we’ve totally isolated ourselves from family, relationships, employment, and social interaction? We need to be connected to be able to know ourselves more deeply and clearly.

By opening our mouth’s, we are fed. This long-overdue admission of being sick and tired of being sick and tired sets us headed in a new direction. We may come to find a Power greater than ourselves has been there with us all along. We may have heard or witnessed glimpses of a kinder, loving, presence which saved us from certain demise. You are loved. Even those who have died of our vices were loved.

I hope this helps you.

I live for interaction and connection.

Remember, Be Good To You.

Be Good To You: Taking Steps 2020 - Step Two

Mon, 06 Apr 2020 00:00:00 GMT

I’m Paul Summers, your neighborhood addict, alcoholic, overeater, and co-dependent. Good God Man!

Thank you for clicking on this translation of the Taking Steps 2020 Be Good To You Podcast: Step Two, Coming to believe someone or something greater than ourselves could guide us away from the insanity of using.

If you feel like you are unable to live with or without drugs, booze, binge-eating, or an unhealthy relationship, keep listening…

“The ultimate weapon for recovery is the recovering person.” (Narcotics Anonymous Basic Text {Fifth Edition Pg. 14})

I cannot stress enough the importance of going through each Taking Steps Episode starting from January. They are in order for a reason. I know from experience, that it can be very tempting to jump forward.

Please hold on; you’ll need to practice trust and patience. Trust that the steps are the result of generations of trial and error and continuous improvement. Have patience in knowing there is internal work you’ll need to do before you move on.

We’re either ripening or we’re regressing. – Paul Summers

Alright, so let’s get started on this month’s Topic, which really is HOPE – coming to believe that, not in, a Power greater than ourselves which could restore our lives to sanity.

As I said in the Step One podcast, the first thing we need to work on each time we start our day is how to stay clean by getting through today. Once we’ve been able to abstain from our vice; once we’ve given our focus to the tools of recovery, how do we keep from returning to not only using, but the wildly unmanageable, unhealthy, undermining, destructive thoughts and behaviors which we know have the ability spin like a tornado in our head? I mean, many of us got to the point where we were so used to the tornado, it’s whirlwind and it’s damage felt normal. We couldn’t see how picking up, maybe not picking up, maybe even knowing we want to pick up, is what set the tornado in motion.

It’s our thoughts which need to be changed, but how?

How do we alter our thought-led behaviors? Haven’t we tried this already? I know I did, in multiple ways. For example, As a musician, I wrote and performed music – it brought me to dark places – addiction – when I first got clean I thought, if I stop doing music – then maybe I won’t want to get high. Depriving yourself, or being a martyr encourages unhealthy thought-led behaviors. My disease used deception to bring me to a point of feeling dismissed-a point where rationalization gave me the validation my disease needed so that I’d keep using. I began to feel alone again. Before long, life became too hard to bear.

What is going to replace our old thinking, if not ourselves?

My sponsor, Eric E. shared at a meeting that “we can’t expect our minds to come up with a new way of thinking on their own.” There was a time I didn’t think I needed anybody. I had all the answers. All you humans couldn’t fix me as well as I could, right?

But how does that work if I’m the one breaking me in the first place? Only someone with the experience and clarity of clean/sober time can have the openness and mental functionality to digest a new thought.

How obvious is the insanity of the following behaviors to you?

When I didn’t want to use, I would go score a bag.

Being unable to decide between rent and a bag of the good shit.

Deciding between a child support payment and a bottle—regardless of the consequences.

Choosing between showing up for work on time or waiting outside in the cold and rain where your dealer said she’d meet you?

Life can be, and is at different times, hard for every human on the planet. We have spent many hours using just to not feel this pain deeply or struggle daily. As we return to experiencing reality as it is, without the numbing or enhancements, we might also begin to see the root or at least a cause of many of those difficulties was our vice – drugs, booze, life-threatening sex, overeating, etc.

Take a deep breath.

There is a Power working in your life which is greater than you or me. It may have a lot to do with why you are still alive to listen to this podcast. It is kinder to you and more loving of you than you have been to and of yourself.

This Power wants to have a relationship with you, where you are open to a way of thinking besides your own – where you are open to allowing self-care, connection and interaction with people who are striving toward beneficial living, healthy decision making, and actions. Progress, not perfection.

If you’re like me, all of your original plans or attempts to quit just made things worse. But when you tried a suggestion made by someone who has found success at staying clean, you were given evidence it could be done.

Evidence.

There is evidence of a Power working in your life if you look around to find it.

In the program I work, I am free to decide for myself, free to choose for myself, what my understanding of this Power is, provided it is more caring, nurturing, and greater than me. I came to call this power, this Higher Power, God. I wasn’t raised with religion, so the word God doesn’t come with baggage for me. For you it might—and I understand it may be hard to separate a religious deity from a spiritual embodiment. This is your decision to make without any repercussion, criticism, or judgement. A loving Power will guide you towards love, courage, humility, compassion, respect, and an awareness of spiritual values. I think most religions began aspiring towards these values, but – ha, being run by humans – fell short.

It may be uncomfortable. I’m suggesting that you nudge yourself gently to be open to a different set of thoughts than the ones you’ve been hiding from in your personal tornado shelter. I’m suggesting you look for coincidences which seem too unlikely, or miracles, or as my sponsor says, Neon Arrows. We don’t have to understand our HP completely to be open to it and it’s messages. Then see if it makes sense to be willing to try out what it suggests of us instead of sticking with what we think we know.

In the First Step Podcast, we admitted that we are powerless over our vices, right? Part of admitting this shows a willingness to, at the very least entertain the idea, that stubbornly clinging to our thoughts has brought us to a place we never sought to end up.

We are not in control of everything. We are not suffering a moral deficiency, thus there is no need for a religious exorcism or repentance to earn approval of others. We may have leaned too heavily on our own pride for answers, meanwhile closing ourselves off to solutions. We may have suffered tragedy which led to lost faith, feeling wronged, and have found temporary relief by blaming the skies for life’s terms.

It really comes down to choosing whether or not you wish to stay in those patterns, or be open to a different perception. Mostly what is being asked is for you to ponder an alternate belief, look for proof either way, practice your finding, then honestly assess which path leads to a more rational thinking you can come to believe in.

I hope this helps you.

I live for interacting with you.

Remember, Be Good To You.

Be Good To You: Taking Steps 2020 - Step Three

Sun, 05 Apr 2020 00:00:00 GMT

I’m Paul Summers, your neighborhood addict, alcoholic, overeater, and co-dependent. Good God Man!

Thank you for clicking on this translation of the Taking Steps 2020 Be Good To You Podcast: Step Three, making a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of our Higher Power, God, as we understand that Power. I’ll explain why I chose to change-up the wording in a minute.

If you feel like you are unable to live with or without drugs, booze, binge-eating, or an unhealthy relationship, reading…

“The ultimate weapon for recovery is the recovering person.” (Narcotics Anonymous Basic Text {Fifth Edition Pg. 15})

I cannot stress enough the importance of going through each Taking Steps episode starting from January. They are in order for a reason. I know from experience, that it can be very tempting to jump forward.

Please hold on; if following rules, taking orders, doing things in order, or following someone else’s process is difficult for you, I understand. But if you’re willing to try something different for a brief period of time just to see if it works in ways which benefit you physically, mentally, or spiritually, I’m merely suggesting that you try practicing trust and patience.

Trust that the order and the wording of the steps are the result of generations of trial and error and adapting through continuous improvement.

Patience in knowing there is internal work you’ll need to pause long enough to work out before you move on from one to two to three, etc.

This month’s Topic is FAITH – making a decision, then having faith in the outcome of the decision.

As I said in the Step One podcast, the first thing we need to work on each time we start our day is how to stay clean/sober by getting through today.

Right off the bat, you might be saying, this is a challenge. You might ask, “Am I supposed to make a decision, when I’ve already admitted my life is unmanageable? – When I’ve acknowledged how out of control I can get with or without drugs? – I mean, I used because things got out of control; then my using got out of control, which made everything else around me get even more out of control! … Now I’m supposed to make a decision?”

Ok, ok. I get it.

We’ve mostly never been able to control our using, so Where has all that effort and energy we’ve devoted to controlling everyone and everything around us gotten us? Are we able to turn these fear-based actions over? Could we let them go? But … but, if we do, who or what will replace them?

It’s too scary, right? We’ve never known any other way. Our survival skills have become so distorted that, as we sink toward our bottom, the only thing that looks or shows promise is the path or action which leads us to the most immediate gratification.

This path is deceiving. This path is a long, long loop back to square one. Maybe it beheld wonderful scenery and pleasurable perspectives; elation and rollercoaster dips that went so low that when we came up we actually believed it was our own doing – like an accomplishment. What we don’t always see is that every time we come back to the start, behind us are burned bridges and wreckage.

Our disease in our heads tells us to go around again, that this time will be different; that given the right combination of substances and situations, we’ll be able to fix it all in short order. Our disease within lies in mythical proportions.

When this loop becomes our routine, believe it or not, we’re in one of the most suitable places to seek something outside ourselves – something more caring and loving than we are to ourselves – to rely on. As addicts, we have a strange relation to destruction and detachment. We can keep breaking down more and more of our lives—much more than normal people. We’re so resourceful, we can hit a bottom and dig out a tunnel to a new bottom. And so on.

It goes on until it doesn’t. If we’re among the luckiest ones, we get an “Oh Crap!” moment.

In that moment, we can turn that stubborn will over to the care of a Higher Power. For you, the listener, I say H.P. instead of God because I don’t want you to stop reading before the miracle of recovery can find its way in. God and Higher Power are interchangeable words. The only difference is our perception of the concept. If you believe God is a female entity, or a collective conscience, or a non-entity, or anything, there is no limiting belief system you have to adhere to – ever – period.

The Third step is not a religious obligation. In fact, none of them are.

As I was saying, I don’t want you to click away from reading this before the miracle of recovery can find its way in to sit itself down right beside the disease within your head and offer an alternative to the thoughts you’ve, up until now, felt obliged to follow.

In the Step Two Podcast, I asked: What is going to replace our old thinking, if not ourselves? This time I’m asking, how many times have your turned your will and your life over to getting loaded—turned it over to the destructive power of our disease?

It’s probably been in your head for a while that a decision needs to be made. But our disease tricks us into believing the only decision we have is between going through withdrawals or taking more ‘medicine.’ Did you ever call it medicine? I did. I called it my relief, my cure; I’ve even called it my god. Eventually, we reach the point where even the first choice, to just deal with the withdrawals is not really feasible—especially if you’ve gone through the horrible suffering of withdrawals, then days or weeks later turned right back around and went back to using.

This point at which our ability to decide has a different outer appearance for each of us. It might be reached when someone you love dearly is at wits end—distraught, broken by your confusing, conflicting words and actions. It might be on an especially cold night—when you’ve pissed through your sleeping bag tucked under the freeway. It might be when you can no longer pretend to function at work—maybe at the dream job you finally landed after years of struggling, which you’re about to lose but you say you don’t care because it no longer brings you joy.

In my case, the day in which the outer appearance was no longer deniable came the day my then wife emptied our apartment while I was working, taking our daughter away indefinitely.

For many of us, we had to reach this point in order to be willing to accept that the path we kept choosing to follow; the same one which has looped around on us time and again might just be unalterable. (by this point we discover that we’re not powerful enough to change it) We either find a way off of the path, or accept our fate: jail, death, or some drugged up institution in which any semblance of our personality disappears.

Throughout our addiction, our willingness could be traced to our actions. I didn’t realize this until after a few years clean. If you’ve promised your kids you’d pick them up after school, but then didn’t show up until an hour later if at all, your actually weren’t willing to pick them up. If you needed to work a shift to pay for the fifth you planned on buying to get through the weekend, you worked. You made it through, maybe miserably, because you were willing to do whatever it takes to buy that bottle. Until, of course, you weren’t.

I mention this because this Willingness to make the decision to turn your will and your life over needs to come from you. Only you. Only you. If anyone makes this decision for you, you will never know the sense of accomplishment it promises. This sense is HUGE for the future of anyone’s recovery. It could be a deal breaker, that’s how epic making this decision on your own is.

If faith is not a reinforced strong suit for you. I suggest you look around for reinforcement. Search for people who have made this decision and pay attention to the outcome it provided for them.

Let me clarify how making this decision is an ‘as needed’ action to take. I don’t think any part of the steps can be approached as a contract where you “have to do it this way until you die, or else.” It’s not that rigid. I wouldn’t have stuck around if it was.

So let’s say we’ve become willing. We’ve decided, for now at least, we’re going to have faith in our decision to turn our will and our life over to the care of God as we understand God. Now what?

Two cliché phrases I hear often come to mind.

1) let go and let God

2) The Third Step Prayer: Take my will and my life. Guide me in my recovery. Show me how to live.

You might say, these are just words. But words are powerful. We pray with words, we confirm our hearts, emotions, and desires with words. Spoken words are a kind of outward expression of inner conviction.

Organically, taking this decisive action implies that we are willing to surrender our will to our Higher Power—also known as turning it over. One simple way is to ask for guidance, then be prepared to hear, or see, feel or get an answer. It will come. Some know it in their gut. Some of us, depending on what we’re asking guidance for, it takes a little more than just a nudging feeling.

And I hate saying don’t, but don’t ever feel you’re better off just to give up, that you aren’t’ cut out for this just because you ignored your Higher Power even when it seemed pretty clear what the guidance you were supposed to follow was. Looking at our situation that way is what I’ve come to find is just another opportunity for our disease to coerce us to go back to our ways.

Even after we know it to our core that our Higher Power’s help is our best, most powerful source of strength and courage, every single one of us in recovery have, at some point, taken our will back. That’s why I said a few minutes ago that we need to revisit this decision and remake it as often as we realize it.

This gets easier each time we remember to ask for our Higher Power’s will. We gradually find that our request to understand God’s will comes more and more from a place of honesty and sincerity. Don’t worry, we don’t get perfect!

I’d like to say we get better, but the definition of ‘better’ is up to each person individually. If hopelessness is waning; if the way we live no longer resembles the insanity and manic survival of our active addiction, then we’ve become blessed to be given proof that our Higher Power is working.

For some of us, just the fact that things are going well is so frightening, our disease goes right back to work on our brains. This is a point where we really need to kick into gear to stave off the relentless barrage of lies, deceptions, denials, and rationalizations our disease will undoubtedly manufacture.

Take a deep breath.

There is a Power working in your life which is greater than you or me. It is kinder to you and more loving of you than you have been to and of yourself.

It really comes down to choosing whether or not you wish to stay in those patterns, or be open to a different perception - to ponder an alternate belief. As mentioned in Step Two, I suggest that you look for proof either way, practice your finding, then honestly assess which path leads to a more rational thinking you can come to believe in.

I hope this helps you.

I live for interacting with you.

Remember, Be Good To You.

Paul

Be Good To You: Taking the Steps 2020 - Step Four

Tue, 31 Mar 2020 00:00:00 GMT

The ultimate weapon for recovery is the person living in recovery.

I cannot stress enough the importance of going through each Taking Steps 2020 episode starting from Step One in January. They are in order for a reason.

If you want to proceed anyway, Please hold on; if following rules, taking orders, doing things in order, or following someone else’s process is difficult for you, I understand. But if you’re willing to try something different for a brief period of time, you can see for yourself if it works in ways which benefit you physically, mentally, or spiritually, I’m suggesting that you try this. Practicing trust and patience used to be huge no-no’s for me, but the outcomes I experienced by doing everything my way on my time were eventually enough proof for me to see that my way doesn’t work. Allow yourself a chance to try something different, then decide.

Trust in that the order and the wording of the steps are the result of generations of trial and error and adapting through continuous improvement. Know that humans are incapable of perfection, so give yourself a break. Oh, and give a break to those who are living examples of who you’d like to be, for none are perfect teachers.

Find patience by allowing for the time it takes to do the internal work. You’ll need to pause long enough to work these through before you move on from one to two to three, etc.

Alright, so let’s get started on this month’s Topic, which really is COURAGE TO CHANGE – the courage it takes to live as a person of integrity. We’re going to be looking at the times we haven’t exactly been an honest, reliable, accountable, responsible person, what we told ourselves when we weren’t those things, but also how often we were, and what we were telling ourselves that motivated us positively to see what happens.

Even if we’ve put together some clean time, step four is the worst possible place to stop doing the work. So let’s keep the momentum going.

In AA, the Big Book states that “A business which takes no regular inventory usually goes broke.” Step Four says, “We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.” One question I hear right off the bat is, “Why moral? I thought we could choose our own Higher Power. Moral brings to mind thoughts of sin and Christianity and guilt. How is this different?”

There is no condemnation via the twelve steps.

Before we begin on our inventory, we pray to our Higher Power for the ability to be thorough. Remember, the 12 steps are a program which offers Freedom Of Conscience. There is absolute personal autonomy when it comes to what and how you wish to believe. Our choice in picking a Higher Power is highly individualistic.

Our affliction is of a body-mind-soul disease.

The disease part is not immoral, it just is. But our behaviors which are evidenced in the form of actions we take that originate from the disease are immoral. Our predecessors figured out that we all carry an enormous burden of guilt. The reason for listing our guilt in this step is because they also figured out that, if we don’t resolve the guilt of the past, we are much more likely to relapse. They found this out through experience. As Father Martin said, “Resolve the guilt of the past because you cannot live with the guilt clean.” This list is essential to fully experiencing the joyous freedom you are getting clean to enjoy.

This is where we begin to see that our recovery is about doing much more than being abstinent. It’s about honesty. We put what we know to be true on paper. We let ourselves see that being truthful is braver than being dishonest. We can finally, fearlessly let our secrets out, for they’ve been liabilities far too long. And in trusting we’ll be okay doing so, we can begin to look at our assets. For many of us, there is a lifetime of self-deception to unravel. We can start today.

It’s been said that an inventory is one of the most loving things we can do for ourselves. I believe that. We look our instincts, desires, motives, tendencies, and compulsions, what NA literature calls our basic nature with its flaws and its strengths .

It is also suggested that each person has guidance and support while working this step. This is where a sponsor is a huge asset. And while this is true, the literature states that this step is to be shared with ourselves, God, and another human being—that person does not have to be our sponsor.

I’ve put a lot of thought into how I would touch on the key points of the fourth step for my Taking Steps 2020 Be Good To You podcast. I’ve got to admit, this step presents a challenge. I could say to you, alright, grab a couple sheets of paper and let’s get started. There’s a little more groundwork to lay beforehand.

To identify as many things as we can and be thorough as possible for our inventory, we have to look back through as many memories as we can muster about people, institutions, organizations, principles or beliefs, events, situations and resulting circumstances, and how these bring out positive and negative feelings.

Let’s start on this step together with a prayer.

“Higher Power/God. We’re grateful for this opportunity to heal. Thank you for allowing recovery in our lives. We pray for the courage to be thorough when writing out our inventory. We pray for your guidance and honesty as we recall people, places, and events. And we pray for your strength and love as we write out these things. Amen.”

The way it was taught to me was:

Start with the heading: Part I: Grudges - slash - Resentments.

In the first column, list People, Institutions, and Principles.
In the second, list Cause/Reason.
In the third, list Affects My.
In the fourth, list End result Was.

A couple examples.

An institution I listed was Capitalism. My reason was because it places money above people. This affects me in that I believed I was unworthy when I was broke, which was most of the time. The result was isolation and resentment towards those who had more.

A person I listed was my first girlfriend. My reason was that she cheated on me then dumped me. This affected my pride and fear in future relationships. The result was insecurity.

Take up as many pages as you need.

On a new sheet, put at the top, PART II: Fear.

Write down as many deep dark fears as you can think of that you keep inside and don’t want anyone to know about you. Most of the sentences I wrote started with the word, “OF.”

Some examples:

Of my parents disapproval.
Of my girlfriends disapproval.
My bosses disapproval.
Of getting old.
Of being with someone indifferent to my needs.
Of being unattractive.

In listing your fears, be thinking of past resentments, what motivated you, what was your part, what were the repercussions, how did you harm others, how did you feel about your actions, & their reactions.

On a new sheet, put at the top PART III: Relationships.

Ewwww, I know.

In the first column, list the heading with the person’s name.
In the second column, list the harm caused. Just look at your part.
In the third column, list how it made them feel.
In the last column, list the result.

I can’t go into examples, because they are personal names of those in my past. I think you get the idea on this one.

Make every attempt to acknowledge your most painful, embarrassing, most difficult events, thoughts, emotions, and actions, since these were actually at the root of our addictive behaviors. I ask that you recall feelings of fear, pride, self-will, self-pity, guilt, shame, sexuality, abuse, secrets, and then the hardest one for many of us, assets.

On the last page, yep! Almost done. At the top of the page write: PART IV – What Am I Proud of myself for?

What are some of your positive contributions?
What are some of your compulsions to be positive?
Healthy behaviors?

We have a lot of ground to cover.

Take a deep breath.

I said this before and I’ll say it again: There is a Power working in your life which is greater than you or me. It is kinder to you and more loving of you than you are of yourself.

This Power wants to have a relationship with you, a connection. This Power wants to help you find the courage to answer these questions thoroughly, honestly, and willingly.

The Higher Power of your choosing is not afraid of your fears. My Sponsor, Eric E. has often said self-centeredness and fear are at the core of our disease. If I look closely, Fear is behind some of my worst actions and inactions. The times I’ve tried to protect myself from imagined worse case scenarios were the times I drove the bus off the cliff—which was pretty much anytime I attempted to control my life and the lives of people and things around me. I sought, and found many ways to do this: by using or manipulating or cheating, plotting my eventual personal victory, lying and scheming, then lying more to cover up schemes, and then scheming more to cover up lies. I was setting up failures. Painful failures.

Have you ever found yourself pushing people away just so you could get loaded without remorse? Isn’t it odd that we don’t see that until we find recovery? These kinds of patterns of behaviors become apparent when we write them out. Our brains get full, maybe even overflowing, with bouncing echoes of thoughts and counterthoughts around quitting. We get overwhelmed by our own ideas of how to break the cycle. When we are able to look at and write out what we’ve done, and how we’ve tried, we are granted a gift. We can finally see that every time we broke our own promises and deadlines, we broke our own spines. We decreased our hope.

The first three steps are proving to us that hope can be restored. But for a fourth step inventory to really help you, you’ve got to be thorough, and you’ve got to do it with another person. If that’s too great of a leap of faith for you, I will help you out.

It really comes down to choosing whether or not you wish to stay in those patterns, or be open to a different perception – is it asking too much that you ponder an alternate belief? Just try it. I suggest that you look for proof either way, practice your finding, then honestly assess which path leads to a rational thinking you can come to believe in.

I hope this helps.

I live for interacting with you.

Remember, Be Good To You.

Be Good To You: Taking the Steps 2020 - Step Five

Sat, 28 Mar 2020 00:00:00 GMT

Glimpse Into How We Can Live Free

Thank you. Step Five says, “We admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.” Some say this step is the beginning of freedom. Some say the Spiritual Nature of this step is Integrity. I say it’s a glimpse into how we can finally begin to live free by acknowledging once and for all that booze and dope was not the cause of our problems, we were.

The exact nature of our wrongs was not getting loaded, it was us; the way our brain processed the world around us. The nature of our wrongs have been identified, but are yet to be named. We’re onto them. Not all of them at once, but now we have an idea of how to find them. They are in our Step Four inventory. If we keep them inside us, they will get strong again. In the dark they will grow. In the light they will die. Exposing them will free us. Holding on to them will increase our likelihood for relapse.

This step is about admission. You can’t admit to something you haven’t done. Therefore, action is required. The first part was writing out lists. The second is saying them out loud in front of God (our Higher Power) and another human being. Think about how many times you kept quiet about what was really going on inside your head. The guilt, the shame, the regret, the animosity and resentment. Nobody wanted to hear about that shit. It just made you look bad to express it. So there it stayed, in your head, alive and well and picking up momentum like a rock rolling down a hill. Snowballing. When we hear a lie enough times it starts to sound true – or at the very least believable. The disease in our head knows this.

This momentum is built upon when we isolate and keep the spinning tales to ourselves. No wonder we lash out. No wonder we flail and flounder in waves. No wonder we are unpredictable, often explosive. No wonder we are seen as inconsistent, untrustworthy, or even dangerous. We’ve sweep things under the rug until they become the gorilla in the room. By then it’s too late. We never learned how to realize we are doing this. People end up avoiding us. We lack the discipline to catch ourselves from reacting to life because we have a lie machine spewing propaganda on a 24 hour basis. Our only chance of coming up for air to breathe in some light and truth is to open our mouths.

This is why we share our Fourth Step Inventory out loud. Our Higher Power hears us. Our chosen, trusted listener hears us. And we hear our own voice tell an honest tale. Truth from our own lips. How often does that happen when we’re steeped in the darkness of denial and the absence of our addiction? If you’re like me, not often if ever.

This is our first opportunity to practice earning integrity. You have it inside of you. Yes, you do. You just weren’t comfortable expressing or acting on it because of your addiction. Because your addiction had you doing things that weren’t good for anyone within 100 heartbeats. Because your disease HAD TO HIDE, lest the church or the law or the family member who needed to protect themselves from you took drastic measures to change you. You and I are so much alike. We can make that change by admitting the exact nature of our wrongs to ourselves, God, and another human being.

We do need to choose a person we trust to share anything about ourselves with. What laws we broke, what people we’ve harmed. What sick, twisted habit we have. What strange idiosyncrasy we indulge in. There’s some “weird” in us we’ve never wanted anyone to know about.

It’s time to share that “weird” with someone. Trusting in their ability to have discretion and integrity are important. We no longer have a reason to fear telling our truth. That was also a lie our disease had us believe. Chances are very high that even our weirdest weird isn’t that weird. We might choose someone who has a weird that makes you feel very normal. Wouldn’t that be weird?

The wonderous reality we live in today allows for another possibility. Sharing our Fourth Step with a total stranger. This person might be less likely to judge or criticize. It’s hard to say, though. I personally don’t feel confident that anyone in the digital realm could be trusted with my deepest, darkest secrets. But you might, and that’s okay.

The purpose of this step is to expose the starting point of our actions and the motivations behind them. It’s time to start changing the tone of that voice inside which has always told us we’re disgusting and bad at our core. This isn’t about feeling guilty, it’s about feeling empowered. We make choices. We follow up on them with actions. If we’ve always believed we had to act out or respond a certain way, then we can also believe our reaction can be changed – our behavior can be altered by changing our perception.

That said, it’s important to note that this is not a time to take out the bat and start beating ourselves with it. It’s not a moment to focus on what terrible people we’ve been and what horrible, harmful mistakes we’ve made. We might want to. Just be aware of wanting to. Oh! How our addict loves to trip us up.

We’ve been masters of disguises. It’s time to take off all the masks – one at a time. God made us who and what we are. God never turned His back on us no matter how bad we’ve been. God wants us to stop fooling ourselves and to start living in our own skin – comfortably as possible. Can we do that? No? We will be able to.

Lastly, be thorough. Tell all. If there’s some past behavior, even if it was only one time, we want to leave out, don’t. This is our time to be transparent. If we’re not, all sorts of sick thoughts will impregnate themselves. They will, over time, grow into something we’re familiar with straight out of the horror movie we directed in our past. Scary. Ugly. Sick. Dark. Our disease works on us in our sleep, through our joys, in choices we make, in choices we don’t make. Our biggest hope is to accept that it is with it and we must do things to keep it from taking over as it has in our past.

Sharing a clear expression of this step will open the door for us to hear a transparent side of others. Now we are learning not to judge or criticize them. We become a little more tolerant, understanding that we’re part of a massive human culture of successes and failures, morals and ignorance, lawfulness and carelessness. We are better able to identify patterns. No one person is only one particular way all the time. We are complex beings who do things multiple ways to get what we want.

If no one has told you this lately. You are okay just how you are. You can, however, be better – not because you should feel shameful about who you’ve been, but because you will never be perfect anyway. Were you trying to be? Why? Me, too. Every time I sought perfection, I fucked someone over. Today I’m trying my hardest to be me. But I have to figure out who that is first. And as I try to figure that out, I’m finding out who I am not.

I am not that guy who meant to hurt people just so I could get my way.

Be Good To You - Episode One: How To Be Good To You

Tue, 03 Mar 2020 00:00:00 GMT

“Too much high life make low life.”

Three simple ways you can Be Good To You.

1. Easy Does It. When I first got clean, this resonated with me the most because I sure as hell wasn’t ready nor willing to be easy about anything. I got clean to deal with life issues. It wasn’t really by choice, nor was it mandated by law. It was to save my relationship with my daughter. It was something I guess I could’ve chose not to do at that point, but I choose to do it. I’m grateful to God for the option to make the choice to get clean. It was the only chance I had to be in my daughter’s life.

Easy does it helped me through so many difficult times and challenges. Because I stayed clean, after a while I discovered that a lot of my difficulties and challenges were self-inflicted—brought on by me. My struggles and difficulties were mostly self-made. When I told myself Easy Does It, I was also able to realize my part in things. It was my first lesson in finding that there is a way to pause and look at things from a different perspective than the one I had up until that point.

Easy does it has helped a lot with breathing. There is a lot of talk in recovery podcasts about meditation. For me, this is still a challenge. I am trying to learn meditation. If you have difficulty with meditating like I have difficulty with it, I suggest you don’t give up on it. I can’t speak on meditation yet because I don’t practice it. I will only speak and write about things I know about from experience.

Try this right now:

Take a deep breath for five seconds. Count to five and hold it. Hold it for five seconds then exhale it. Exhale for five seconds. If you can, keep exhaling. Let all the tension in your body release with your breath. Repeat this two more times. For whatever reason this helps my brain drift away from the things it obsesses on.

2. Walk Barefoot upon the Earth . That’s right. Take off your shoes and socks and walk around outside on the earth. This can be a challenge if it’s wintertime. If it’s summertime and you’re in the desert where I’m originally from, this can be a challenge as well because that sun can burn your little doggies if you’re not careful.

Some current science is telling us that this connects with the electromagnetic energy of the earth and can be revitalizing. For me, when I did this the other day, I started laughing with the idea of wondering, “what if my neighbors saw me walking around barefoot?” I don’t know why I should care, but I do. What I noticed, with those goofy thoughts, was that the action had taken my mind away from what I was obsessing about prior to taking off my shoes and socks. New replacement thoughts had won over my obsessive mind. This was helpful.

3. Take a long hot shower and scrub your feet . Scrubbing your feet with soap and/or a exfoliator or loofah is a healthy practice. Most of your nerve endings run through to the sole of your feet. Paying attention to them lovingly has a ripple effect through our bodies. There is a release of toxins which happen; a cleansing physically and spiritually. Massaging or scrubbing of feet with a loofah is an act of self-care. How many acts of self-care do you take part in each day? If you’re like me, it’s not a high number. I’m working on it.

Take part in your own care. Scrubbing your feet is a way of saying to yourself, “I love me. I deserve to be taken well care of and pampered.” Why not? Put it out there in the Universe that you love yourself, and it will come back in healthy ways. This is especially true if you let it.

Please do not confuse self-care with self-indulgence. Self-indulgence is taking a whole lot of something because a little bit of it feels great, but beyond feeling good, there are no other benefits. It is a form of taking care of the self, but with no moderation or boundaries. I used to jokingly tell my friends when I was so plastered I couldn’t function, “Ah yes, Confucius say, too much high life make low life.”

Self-care is honoring our self. It is doing something to strengthen and nourish right down to our core. Listening to this podcast is a form of self-care. Just take a minute to show yourself that you’re worthy of self-care. Remember, be good to you!

Be Good To You - Episode Two: Loneliness, Isolation, and Service

Mon, 02 Mar 2020 00:00:00 GMT

"It’s no longer show time, it’s grow time."

It has been said we can be in a crowd and still be alone. I can identify with that. Once I’m in my head, that’s where I am. I’m comforted by myself; my infatuation with myself, with being sensitive (not meant in a complimentary, compassionate way) to my surroundings. No one can argue with me; whatever my point of view is that I’m entertaining. Once in my head, no one can affect my will; no one can question my motives or point out how selfish I’m being.

Even this podcast, as long as I do it alone, is an example of how my brain works left to its own thinking. I would like to have guests. That way I can be good to me. My goal for any of this work I do is to access the tools others have set within my Be Good To You toolbox.

Loneliness. How does one joyfully combat the feeling of being all alone? Let’s start off with being of service. How do you get out of your head long enough to physically move to a place of feeling a part of, not apart from? Again, service is the antidote.

All feelings pass. What’s dangerous about this statement is that none of us know how long it will take for the feelings to pass. Add to that the anxiety produced by not knowing can keep us stuck in this place of feeling alone—of returning to the thoughts which mother us poorly. The mother of those thoughts is like the type of mother who would let their 40 year old live in their basement – jobless, penniless, dependent, addicted – a person deprived of living life.

Author Anne Lamott said, “The people we love the most in the world … they have to find their own answers; their own ways … you have to release them. It’s disrespectful not to. Help is often toxic. It’s the sunny side of control.” But a mother who cuts herself off from accepting the warning signals believes what she wants to believe. This is the damage our isolating thoughts can do to us. We’re all mothers.

So when I want to help, I don’t like giving advice. I prefer to give suggestions.

Suggestions are a healthy way of saying, “here is something I’ve tried which worked, so maybe you might want to try it.”

My suggestion is: Don’t ISOLATE, Go help someone.

Using the 40 year old person still living in the basement on the couch metaphor, think of how that adult living on the couch would be moved to a different mindset if they volunteered to help someone. Giving is a form of building. Giving is an energy which contributes to your essence. It does not feed on it.

Some people are in a blessed position to be generous with their money. But then there are some who can only offer their physical presence. Either way, we connect when we give. We share our hearts when we give. This is a two-way street. When we let others give to us, we are also giving.

Giving, however, can become harmful if it is done to the point in which the giver provides so much that they squash the self-esteem of the person receiving. I’ve included this because I’ve experienced it. I’m not telling about this experience to point a finger or give blame, it’s merely to provide anecdote. In my family of origin, I grew up with a little too much of the example below.

“Hey, let me get this for you. I’ll take care of it. No, I’ve got this for you. I will not allow you to repay me or do the same for me.”

It took me a long time being clean to recognize that my family was not allowing me to give back. If I took the inventory of any of my family members, I would determine how their behavior was stifling and controlling. The effect on me was harmful. I had to set a boundary. It was uncomfortable to change this dynamic. Not only was my personal reaction a learned one, but my family had never done things any other way. It came down to forcing myself to exhibit behaviors such as:

“No thank you. I’m not going to accept any of your generosity until you accept some of mine.”

This was met with insults and resistance at first. I heard excuses like, “Yeah but you have a kid to raise. You can’t afford this.” My dad once said, “As long as I’m alive you will never pay our bill at a restaurant.” WTF.

I had to be the one to make sure they recognized the debilitating nature of their acts of kindness. This was not easy. Although it was just as hard for them, it went a long way for all of us and our relationships. Giving is not a competition. Be cognizant not only of what you’re intuitively sensing, but also to what the other person might be going through.

If you’re new at giving, it’s okay to give any way you can. Remember it’s best to expect nothing in return, not even accolades. Try to walk away before you can even be thanked. Better yet, give anonymously. Try the action.

A person might say, “I’m going to donate 20,000 dollars to the Tents for Downtown Homeless Project (fictitious) because my purpose is to be a philanthropist.” But is there an ulterior motive? Is the person wanting to get something in return? Is having their name in print, on television, or on the list of sponsors to thank; on a brick in the courthouse square, or to get a hefty tax write off really an act of someone with a generous sense of purpose? Is that really giving? Sounds ego-driven to me. Sounds like a legal way of stealing from the tax pool as well.

Many government programs which are meant to uplift the underprivileged appear to more or less undermine those they are meant to aid. I have experienced firsthand moments of being given a handout when the handout contributed to my addiction. For example, I was given food stamps because I had no income. Well I had no income because I was spending the last of my savings on dope; because I was too strung out to look for work, let alone show up to earn money. I had no income because of my poor choices. I had no income because I was not held to any standard when I went to the government handout agency. Maybe I should’ve been drug tested so that I could’ve gotten actual help. It wasn’t very hard to persuade them to throw money at my disintegration.

Never underestimate the resourcefulness of an addict. Plenty of times I figured out how to get around the system just to keep my high going. Times that by hundreds of thousands of addicts, and you have justified the need for handout programs. The vicious circle spins wider and wider.

A person enabled is a person whose self-esteem is being compromised of his or her right to integrity.

If you want to have the purpose of helping curbside communities, buy them some trash bags or clothes or food or sleeping bags. Bring them and personally hand them out to those you wish to help. The closer you are to the problem, the better able you are to gauge the difference between giving and enabling. Government programs pay dividends to those (typically wealthy privileged) people who create and manage them—not so much to the person they are meant to help.

I believe in working for self-esteem. How would we feel about a person who says, “Hey system, let me leach off you because I want to keep my party going?”

During one volunteer project, I met a woman who proudly boasted about how she cooks healthy meals and brings them to homeless camps to feed the people living there.

“How do you feel about the cost to the city of Portland for having to clean up and dispose of 20 tons of trash along the five mile stretch of I-84 every few months?” I asked her.

“That’s not gonna keep me from feeding people.” She responded angrily.

I thanked her for helping me see the human side of the problem, then thanked God for people like her who take it on their own to go and do something personally. I don’t think people should starve to death either. Nor do I believe someone should collect five figures and government benefits for perpetuating programs which cater to the demeaning, demise, and death of a person experiencing the negative effects of bad decision making.

Does it sound like I’m living in two houses? That I’m in one house called I Don’t Care and in one called I Do Care?

I was on the streets. I came out of living like that because most people made it hard for me to live that way. The pain became too great.

What about SERVICE?

You don’t have to be in a program to be of service. As addicts, alcoholics, overeaters, and co-dependents, our disease distorts one crucial aspect which can be beneficial to us: a sense of purpose. Our sense of purpose can’t be an action or thing which, in the end, we will be a beneficiary of.

I notice I can be myself when I have a purpose. When I give of myself to that human place or thing, I’m doing it as me. My greeting face is off the table. It’s no longer show time, it’s grow time.

If you’re feeling alone. I’m here for you. I suggest you seek a place to serve. Look for that place, you will find it. Ask for help finding that place, and to you it will be shown. It is in taking the movement and the action. For me, this is when the God of my understanding takes the wheel. Sometimes it’s best to be uncomfortable so that you can be healthy.

Be Good To You – Episode Three: Spirituality

Sun, 01 Mar 2020 00:00:00 GMT

Good God Man!

Obviously, … wait. Nothing is obvious regarding the topic of Spirituality. It is highly individualistic. It is achieved through no certain, easily definable course. It is ever-changing discovery. It is found both in action and inaction.

Spirituality is not religion, it’s different. It is transcendent. Sam Harris, a neuroscientist and author of Waking Up: A Guide to Spirituality Without Religion, explains:

“Spirituality must be distinguished from religion—because people of every faith, and on none, have had the same sorts of spiritual experiences.”

As far as a definition, I’m going to apply how spirituality is used in recovery. Spirituality is the act of being selfless. It’s getting out of our own way long enough to allow a process greater than ourselves to work through us for the benefit of others. To help others. To come to the aid of others. To be of service.

To take part in unselfish acts. Some of these that are the most rewarding: serving our Higher Power, our fellow humans, and ourselves.

For this article, I’m addressing when the act of spirituality comes to being of service, to helping, to connecting.

As addicts, alcoholics, overeaters, and co-dependents, we will probably always want to take back our will. We’ll probably always want to isolate. We’ll probably always want to resist change, especially when it entails happiness – especially when it entails goals which were just completed – especially when it comes to dreams getting close to becoming true. Other times, our disease surfaces just in time to rob us of opportunities like opening up to more choices or doors for ourselves. As addicts, we’ll probably always want to resist that.

We’ll probably always want to cut ourselves off from feelings, or cut out feelings entirely; from interests and from engagement with others – with anyone – sometimes even ourselves.

As addicts we’ll probably always want to run back to what we are familiar with. Or … RUN!

Running away is usually my go-to. I continue to naturally create pathways in which the end result is just to have an escape hatch. My brain manufactures so many different seething, untrue, avenues down which the denial is so believable, I take the side-tracking bait. The end result is always not facing what needs to be faced because it’s not on my terms or on my time or I don’t think I’m ready. None of that is spiritual—they are all symptoms of self-will.

I’ve discovered that I play this game with myself and others where I can’t admit to anyone what I really want. I call it a game because it is tricky; it comes from deep inside. It’s complexly woven into my being, something of a labyrinth, and not always noticeably evident.

I’m either afraid of being selfish; an old behavior I’ve identified as one of my shortcomings—an instigator working throughout my addiction. Or I’m afraid that I’m not worthy. Or, and this is the worst one … this game that I play with myself that I can’t reveal to anyone what it is I want the most … the fear behind it is that I’m afraid I won’t get what I want. It’s as if I’m cursed. The fear takes such a strong hold that it impedes me from trying. But instead of admitting this, I blame circumstances and people and myself. This form of taking control of my will drives me away from being spiritual.

Something happened this morning. I really intended to get some writing done. I’ve been working on this memoir. I had no idea when I began writing this how intensive the work would be, but now I know. I have such high expectations of this manuscript. There’s so much to the process. It takes dedication, involvement, and deep decision-making. My utmost desire/goal is to craft in a particular way because I want it to help people.

The problem was that there was a lot of noise and movement in the house this morning with my kids and my cats. I love my kids, and I love my cats. But some mornings, like today, it gets to be too much. It gets loud and I run out the ability to focus and concentrate. This morning I had high hopes of meeting my goals by getting some much needed editing done. It didn’t happen. I don’t know if it’s the addict disease in my head or just the way my brain addresses things, but my attitude of it was, “There it is! There’s my curse! I can never get what I want.” (** listen to my podcast on self-talk**)

I took a step back to realize that when you live spiritually, there are only selfless actions. It took me a little while to calm down from that and redirect my focus. And here I am writing this. If I can grind my way through the rabbit hole to find a solution, you can too. I suggest that you give yourself that break. Give yourself that time. It will come.

Too many times, way too often and way too easily, I’ll end up in a place of self-hate. I’ll get mad at everyone within earshot. I’ll slam doors. I’ll hide in my room. I won’t tell anyone I love them as they or I leave the house. Wherever I go, I’m right back in self-hate - very familiar place for me.

When we are living spiritually, there are only selfless actions. So I tried acting ‘as if.’ I went through the motions, my next actions, as if I were okay. I made it a point to tell everyone I love them before they left for the day. What changed is that I took into account my behavior and the effect it was likely going to have on everyone if I continued acting upon it. Then I changed it.

Yes, I’m human. Yes, I’m an addict. It takes courage. It takes a lot of courage to accept the freedoms of recovery. Once we do, our choices are no longer made for us by a bottle, by a baggie, or by knee-jerk reactions to circumstances. Even if we want them to be.

Raising kids can be an exception to this at times. But even with raising kids, just have a change of attitude by being aware that raising them is something we get to do in recovery. During my first three months of recovery I was also working diligently on regaining some level of custody of my daughter. I know what the alternative is. I know what it’s like to not get to be in my child’s life and it SUCKED. It was definitely the most difficult time I’ve ever had. There was a lot of pain and a lot of thoughts of giving up.

To any parent going through not having your kids, pondering the act of being committed to living clean and sober one day at a time, let me tell you, you CAN do it. You can! There’s no end to the rewards, even as hard as it is parenting sometimes, it’s so much better than the alternative. If you are living in that alternative right now, I suggest that you take any action to connect with people who are honestly living recovery.

Whether you know it or not, you are helping yourself right now by reading this. Or when you read recovery literature or listen to a recovery podcast. You are on the right path. No one will say it’s easy but it can be simple.

I’m going to close with two things:

1) There are a lot of new beginnings and a lot of unexpected, difficult to define stages of growth, which come with recovery and living spiritually. For some people this is especially challenging. I’m one of those ‘some people.’ Connections, on a spiritual level, are crucial for getting out of our own way. It’s something that I have to work on, that I have to be open to, and that I have to be willing to listen for daily, sometimes hourly.

There are times when I become closed off. I’ll go to a meeting or listen to a podcast, or find a meme or a post on social media, and I’ll be like, “blah, blah, blah.” Eyes glazed over, I’ll have some thought like, “Ugh! More whiney recovery stuff, no thanks.” I’m guessing we all get there at some point. But what helps is to realize in that moment that I’m not in the middle of this recovery thing. I’m hanging out on the edge at that point. It’s risky. I’m risking falling off the edge and losing my sobriety.

2) It’s during those times, I’ve got to look to prayer. I get a lot of practical recovery knowledge from the It Works How and Why literature of Narcotics Anonymous. There is so much great recovery wisdom there. But mostly, I get it from interacting with people. I get a great deal out of going to meetings and sharing about what’s going on with me. Because I’ve heard that we can only get fed by opening our mouths. Because it’s there I find people just like me; just like you.

For many of us, getting out of our own way is especially challenging. Prayer is an action of clarity and direction. There is no right or wrong way. Even if you don’t know what or how to pray, or what to listen for, taking a moment to try it shows your willingness to be open. We can’t be filled with new thoughts, knowledge, wisdom, spiritual principles, if we’re closed off. Will you take a moment to pray? One minute to silently connect with Spirit. Try it for a minute.

I hope that was a nice minute for you.

It’s always nice for me just to stop. We don’t have to be goal-oriented; there’s no place for expectations during our moment of connection with Spirit. Sometimes it’s nice to just take a break from everything for one minute. Life throws a lot at us all the time. Praying, even if to you that means just being quiet for a moment; we all find our own way with praying. And what seems right may gradually lead you to the next right way to do it. The essential component is to have some quiet time to just listen to what our Spirit tells us. Or to just listen to quiet.

Thank you for being open. I’m here for you.

Remember, Be Good To You.

Step Moms Are Parents Too

Mon, 24 Feb 2020 03:22:25 GMT

I’m a scrapper for justice. I’m an advocate for fairness. I’m a keyboard warrior for equal rights. Yet, in today’s freeform hyper-opinionated world, the healthiness of these three positive human attributes is more subjective than ever. But I’ll just have to subject myself to it!

If you look at this from far enough back, you’ll see the ways in which this is a good thing. For example, a larger, more diverse variety of people are being acknowledged these days. Self-identity is gradually being widely accepted. A person or group no longer has to feel forced to refer to themselves as what anyone else labels them as.

I think we’ll come to see this as a growth spurt. I believe the end goal will be a greater regard for individuality. Unfortunately, we’re going through a rough patch where certain groups feel the need to devalue another to gain value for their own. Be weary of deception. Question the side which places one group on a pedestal only by knocking off another.

Among those receiving heavy judgement, criticism, and ridicule are Step Moms. With three teens under our roof, I can testify to living under conditions which are less than friendly. But as a parent, this flak is to be expected. I’ve earned it for bringing a kid into this world.

When it comes to step-parenting two of the three teens, the potential for a situation to occur where I’m not given respect is always there. But for some reason, I’m not swayed by them having those thoughts. I see it as a double-check reason for me to step up, be sure to be heard by them, and continue being a loving step-parent by mutually earning and giving respect.

My observation is that women have a tougher time with this. When a woman takes on a family which she didn’t birth, generally she is under unfair amounts of scrutiny. So much so that it is debilitating. I don’t think any of the Disney movies helped! Step Moms are often left feeling isolated, unheard, dismissed, and handed a reduced level of accountability proportionately to the struggles and accolades deserved.

Women seem to have a natural built in tolerance which far exceeds that of men. Combine this with the high level of nurturing intrinsic to the female species, and you have a perfect storm of turbulence trapped within a loving Step Mom’s brain. While she’s busy seeing sides no one else thinks of, the step kids are sawing off the legs of the step stool their dad rightfully places her on.

Then there is the wrath of the bio mom. If the kids are with their bio dad a larger percentage of the time, the Step Mom is likely dealing with animosity, vindictiveness and jealousy. If the kids are every other weekend and Wednesday living space inhabitants, the Step Mom is likely dealing with jealousy and possessiveness of the bio dad’s kids. If this sounds loose, loose to you, imagine how deeply the Step Mom feels for her husband and his kids—her kids. This is beyond a level of love someone can take for granted. No bio parent can truly understand the meaning of unconditional love to this degree.

Maybe this comes back to a less-than-confident opinion of self which women are still on the cusp of being ready and willing to overcome. Ten years ago I attended a rally in which a few of my favorite speakers were. Gary Vee and Tony Robbins to name a few. They had mentioned how there isn’t enough women speakers on the circuit.

I asked a few of my female friends why they thought that was the case. Their answer brought me back to a conversation I had in the 1990’s with a female friend. Back then, I was asking my friend why she lacked the confidence to get a better job. She looked at me like I was stupid. I would’ve been okay if she looked at me like I was being a jerk or too inquisitive, because I was. But she looked at me like I had no idea. So I pressed.

“You really have no idea what it’s like to be a girl, do you?” She huffed.

“Please explain.” I asked. My tone was of a genuine desire to understand.

“As girls we’ve all been taught that we are less than men. That we won’t, actually, that we can’t amount to as much as men will and can. Anytime I wanted to do a sport or something males dominate, my parents told me not to. The only reason they gave for this thinking was because I was a girl. That’s not a reason, that’s a demeaning concession.”

Being raised with brother siblings only, I truly had no idea. Her transparent revelation transformed my thinking. It had an impact on nearly every conversation I had with a woman afterwards. I made it a point, from that day on, to ask questions, listen intently, and look for ways to lend confidence to the psyche of the women I interacted with. I vowed to learn from them how to best be mindful of their negative inner dialogue and respectfully replace it with something which helps. It was and always will be a fine line to walk between being helpful and instructive to contributing to a type of co-dependence which limits a person’s ability to help themselves.

This is not easy. I have fallen short on more occasions than not. Add to that some scores of women which are offended by my desire to help them. I, as a male, represent the last person they would like any ‘assistance’ from. It has been a tough road, even with the best of intentions. It is a similar road to the one the Step Mom travels. This road is rarely smooth. This road is often thankless.

Dads. It takes a special person to want to take on a share of the parenting brunt of responsibility, selflessness, all-encompassing concern, and teenage rebellious disdain—yet remain by your side. She deserves your utmost respect, romantic devotion, and honor. For you to praise her, and be unified with her in front of your kids will bring you blessings and teach them about loyalty and love. It also shows your kids, by example, how to respect their own making of life choices. So choose wisely. This is the person who will carry your legacy in place of you if something tragic happens.

Children of divorce carry enough pain, what with split homes and sharing of time with each bio-parents new significant other. Please, please always consider their hearts before anything or anyone else, even if it means to be alone as an adult, and regardless of what your ex- is doing. We need to always place their hearts and safety first. Then find a mate who feels and will do the same. And then praise that person for ‘stepping’ into maybe the hardest caregiver role there is.

Caring Without Co-dependence

Sat, 22 Feb 2020 18:44:42 GMT

If you're asking, "What do you expect me to do, turn my back on my loved one?" you're asking the wrong question.

One of the hardest things for families of addicts to accept is that your loved one is afflicted with an incurable disease. Looking at your loved ones’ behavior through this filter could save a great deal of heartache, headache, and drained resources. As an addict with twelve years clean who divorced his daughter’s mom because of addiction, I’ve experienced both sides.

If you’re asking, “What do you expect me to do, turn my back on my loved one?” You’re asking the wrong question. While in the throes of active addiction, no one can fully save the addict but him or her self. No amount of pity, enabling, love, guilt, angry outbursts, imprisonment, punishment, catering, or coddling will stop an addict from wanting to use. The addict will have to want to do it for themselves; not to please a family member, judge, employer, companion, counselor or group. It can be that hopeless. The addict has the easy part.

One thing minimizes an addict’s unhealthy choices; the setting of firm, inflexible boundaries. Active addicts will stop at nothing—manipulation of feelings, taking emotions hostage, threatening to leave, taking something or someone away (like a grandchild), or threatening physical harm including intentional overdose. Don’t be fooled with the rationale that you are saving them from the streets, despair, or the sickness of withdrawals. They are making the choice to continue using. And they will; until they don’t. The only control you have is to love them without feeding them their fatality.

Requiring an addict to observe boundaries forces them to look elsewhere for their bottom—their drug money, their place to crash, their enabler. They’ll easily find someone new to disrespect and play baffling games with.

Let me be clear, you are not to blame. As crafty as your loved one is at twisting logic and emotion, know this truth. The addict is not this way because of you or in spite of you. Due to lies the disease manufactures in their head, they are making the choice, one hit at a time, to perpetuate their condition.

The real question to ask is, “Can I live with myself knowing I gave my loved one the twenty bucks for the baggie that killed them?” When you enable an addict, you are accelerating the process in which unmanageability becomes dangerously risky. You’re either reinforcing their recovery or reinforcing their disintegration. If you continue indulging their whims, you are indirectly handing them an inevitable death, prison, or mental health sentence. The biggest lie you can tell yourself is that you are saving this person. Giving dairy to a lactose intolerant person because they crave it is not an act of unconditional love.

Their disease has nothing to do with what you think, how you feel, who you’ve been, or any action you take whatsoever—besides setting a boundary and sticking to it. Guide them to seek help. Minimize contact until they do. You might save a life.

3 Questions About Writing Parenting and Recovery

Thu, 09 Jan 2020 04:08:50 GMT

When is Imposter Syndrome Negated?

Being an author takes faith, tempered self-confidence, and a crap ton of work.

1. What’s it like to be an author?

It’s hard to answer this question because I’m inflicted with imposter syndrome. Once my book is published, I will more easily give an confident answer. Right? But, does that mean I’m not legitimate until that day comes? No. This is an example of the ‘living as if’ notion. If all of us only followed our passion to become rich and famous, more of us would live less-than-privileged lives. Being an author takes faith, tempered self-confidence, and a crap ton of work.

If you are a writer yearning to put the words in your head out into the public sphere, let me help you. With years of writing songs and poetry, I only knew random spurts of work ethic in writing other than following my whimsical muse. I wanted to start somewhere, and I wanted some feedback as I went there.

First let me share one thing which, to this day, plagues me. Research. The internet rabbit hole. There is simply way too much information to process. I am so grateful that you have come to my site and are reading this. I take your click here as my responsibility to share useful knowledge with a side of humor, or at the very least my special brand of criticism.

The first place I went was Wattpad. This was a good place to upload some of my pieces to get published. From there, I began to send submissions on Submittable. I suggest becoming a member, as most professional sites require you to submit through them.

As I began to submit, I discovered how disorganized my catalog is. Whether you’re new to writing, are extremely prolific, or have page after page of musings, you are going to need to get organized. If you have works scattered, or pages you still need to transfer from pen on the page, take your time, but get it done. If you sign up on my mailing list, I will send you some sites which I found useful (save you the time looking around).

Spreadsheets are great for keeping track of what you are up to in a linear sense. They are excellent (no pun intended) for knowing exactly what you’ve sent out, when, and to whom; as well as feedback you did or didn’t get). I also recommend making folders in your email inbox. I have one that says SUBMISSIONS, with two subcategories, ACCEPTED and DENIED.

Back to research. I found tidbits of useful info everywhere I clicked. How do you sort it all out? The best thing to do is follow it through. Strike while the iron is hot. Otherwise, it’s very likely you will follow through one topic, then you’re led down the path of a different one. For example, if you’re looking to get a poem published, and you come across a magazine looking for an essay on how white people are to blame for every ill in America, which you have already written a piece on. Now it’s fork-in-the-road decision time. Or not . I’m going to stick with following through, just to be in the habit of it, then follow up on the essay.

**note** if you disagree with that last sentence, then please inform me on a better best practice. I will share it (and give proper credit) so as to help us all get better.

2A. What qualifies you to write?

Years of journaling? Songwriting? Poetry written and read at open-mic’s? A Master’s Degree? A look of approval from your dad? Your gut?

All of these are legit. There’s no ‘musts’ when it comes to qualification or validation of your impassioned motivation to write. There is, however, the issue of quality. Again, this is in the eye of the beholder. In other words, who are you wanting to write for. A Harvard paper is not going to appeal to a group who holds rap lyrics in high praise. It’s ALL ABOUT your audience. You do, however, want your work to be its best. This is where editing comes in.

At nearly every workshop or seminar I’ve attended where quality was discussed, Fifty Shades Of Gray by E.L. James comes up. Not as a compliment. After so many jokes about the poor quality writing, I not only start getting offended (I love standing up for underdog’s), I look at the jokester as an idiot. This book, as many others in the Erotica genre eBooks do, sold more copies than most released by the major publishers.

2B. What qualifies you to write about parenting and recovery?

PARENTING : From my daughters 4th through 14th birthday I had sole custody of her. I didn’t have live in girlfriends or places she stayed any longer than one night. I have lived the full on single parent experience. As a man raising a young woman single-handedly through those early teen years, I’d say this qualifies me for just about anything! But wait, there’s more. I am now the step-father of my wife’s kids – two teenagers, male and female. I am entrusted fully with their care, a right I had to earn before we were married.

RECOVERY : As of this writing I have 12 ½ years clean and sober. I have worked the steps a few times through with a sponsor. I have sponsored a few men in the program and others via mail who are incarcerated. I attend 12-step meetings regularly. I’ve written a memoir as my way of giving back the freedom from active addiction which has so freely been given to me.

3. What’s the difference between an author and a writer?

Believe it or not, I had to research this! The most legit remarks I found made it clear as mud. An author is a person whose ideas are being written. Whether they hire a ghostwriter or write them themselves, they are the author. Once a person has become an author, they are one for all eternity. Whereas, if a writer stops writing, they are no longer a writer.

BUT! I am writing a memoir. Non-fiction. Does that mean I am not an author, because I’m writing it? This must be where the term creative non-fiction became necessary? And there I go, down the rabbit hole. Simply stated, if you write your own ideas you’re an author. If you write someone else’s, or for someone else, you are a writer? Sorry I asked.

Six Ways to Support Your Spouse

Fri, 15 Nov 2019 02:10:47 GMT

Co-, step-, or bio-parent of your children

Look at your assets!

If your first question is, “How can I to be supportive?" My answer is – “Look at your assets.”

Before my second marriage, I took a long hiatus from dating to get to know myself. This gave enough time to counter the recurring thought of not being good enough. Many of us carry shame, baggage, or have ghosts in our past. Truthfully, and quite painfully I might add, chapters of negative self-talk are written into my upcoming memoir.

What are your assets? Are you funny, attractive, intelligent, trashy, carefree, rigid, frugal, devout, extravagant, critical, a pushover? We all have traits or values naturally integral to who we are which are very appealing to our spouse. Give yourself time to think of those qualities. You will need them to confidently move forward. Start here.

Write them down. If you can only think of less than five, type them on this page. I will respond with an idea for you if the six below don’t feel comfortable. It’s been said that we can’t love someone unless we love ourselves. True. But what is needed to support those closest to us?

1. Flood your spouse with what he/she loves about you.

2. Ask, then listen intently, to what is going on with them internally. Do this over a period of time, so you have a frame of reference to understand the complexities of their day while they are not with you or the kids. Let them vent. Offer them a suggestion which promotes their sensibilities. In other words, build up your spouse using strengths they already possess.

3. Show spontaneous passion. (I recently held my wife close, and kissed her sweetly for a few minutes, randomly. I felt weakness in her knees and witnessed fulfillment in her smile).

4. Demand giving a massage, with oil. In other words, just start giving them one. Music, candlelight, and incense are optional – clothing is not.

5. Do as many things as humanly possible together on weekends.

6. Buy tickets to an event. Preferably in an intimate setting such as a small venue. Suggestions: live music in a small venue or coffee house, artist performance, author readings, cultural dance, comedy. Sports are okay if it interests them and doesn’t limit interaction.

VPN

Fri, 08 Nov 2019 04:51:19 GMT

Virtual Private Network or Vanishing Parental Norms?

You’re probably thinking, “who has time to check out all the apps on my kid's phone and what each one of them do?” Yep. Same. But we are the new age of digital parenting.

I admit, I’m a light sleeper. If the kids are mulling about the house late at night, I’m woken. Because of some events which occurred in the past, we installed security cameras. Which brings me to mention the gifts and curses of our digital reality.

It’s a convenience to know, from the advantageous viewpoint of being on my smartphone in bed, who is up and what they are doing. Most of the time, they are up to get a snack or juice box to handle a blood sugar low. We also have an internet provider which allows us to put bedtime restriction on their internet use. Jennifer and I could sleep easy, that is, until we discovered a VPN on one of the kids phones. (cue eerie music)

You’re probably thinking, “who has time to check out all the apps on my kid's phone and what each one of them do?” Yep. Same. But we are the new age of digital parenting. We were not born into this like they will be for their kids. Until then, we have an uphill battle that’s going to be just as difficult as hearing the word ‘no’ was all the time when they were two or three.

As parents, we did the first thing most of you will do; casually look over the internet for an explanation. Skim over the technical jargon and make a managerial determination: VPN bad, remove it, one and done.

Not so fast.

We had the conversation together as a family. Seeing the horror on their faces when we told them they would lose their phone if we found a VPN app on it was intriguing. It gave away much more than they realized. Why would this matter so much to them? Why?

I’m a stickler for defining the meaning behind actions. I typically do this by making comparisons. It’s no wonder this millennial generation seems to take issue with having to follow rules – in the digital world, a rule is just a low-lying hurdle to step over. Accountability, and consequences as an adult or in the workplace are not ever going away, ever! So why are we as parents struggling to equate our children’s’ seemingly innocent deeds with lawlessness?

Maybe it’s because our kids are being taught to do a damn fine job convincing us of it.

I’ll phrase it the way my dad would have. If I tell you not to sneak out in the middle of the night, then catch you coming in the door at three in the morning, you know you’re in trouble, right? But, if I’m standing by the front door, and you realize this then sneak through the back door and slide into bed as if nothing happened, that makes it okay, no? What if I can’t prove you snuck around out, back, and to my face? This is their realm of accountability.

If you broke into the Netflix building, back when they stocked DVD’s, and stole one or two every night, wouldn’t that be breaking the law? What if you knew you could never get caught? How about this one: If an old lady walks home late at night through a nice neighborhood gets mugged by a person waiting for her in the darkness, is she stupid because her assailant is smarter than her? Some would argue yes, so let’s keep going under the premise she should’ve known better. What if the assailant is her own kids?

When you set up a VPN on your phone, it is going into the house internet provider undetected. Now you can look at whatever you want to look at, whenever you want to look at it – no restrictions. What do you think a teenager is going to do with that? Have they learned discipline yet? Are there no repercussions for doing whatever you want? As adults we know the answer.

I looked on multiple sites to see what kids were saying about this. They see unrestricted internet use as their entitlement. Many of the chats I observed mentioned parents that must be circumvented for the limitations they set. These kids talk about us like we’re idiots when all we’re really doing is loving and protecting them. They are too young to realize they are fighting themselves. We have to help them with that, but we may have to be ruthless at times doing so.

Rule breaking is rule breaking. There’s no chance in hell society is going to change drastically into a place where nobody has rules to follow. I’m a layman giving it to you straight. As a parent, you bought the phone, you pay a monthly fee for internet. When someone takes that from you, it is stealing – a crime. You have a right to set limits, and enforce those by taking the phone away.

Exes and Ugh’s

Fri, 09 Aug 2019 02:54:03 GMT

The Mostly Absent Parent

We all need to stand up for kid rights. Just as in enabling a drug addict, enabling a Mostly Absent Parent has its consequences. The harm shows up in our children when they become adults.

When your step kids have a (mostly) absent parent who carries on publicly as if he or she is all that and so involved and such a part of the kids life-the type who wants to endlessly tug on the kid's heart strings by telling them dreamboat best intention fantasy ideas and plans-what do you do?

When that same latent biological parent wants to shower the kid(s) with affection for a day, or maybe a few days consecutively, but past experience tells you it’s going to wither down immediately once the next shiny object or person appears, what can you do? When that parent thoughtlessly prioritizes said object over their own children and parenting responsibilities, how do you protectively, compassionately inform your step kid(s) without coming off as hateful or mean-spirited toward their bio parent?

I've 'interviewed' lots of friends who were the bi-product of no-longer-intact families. Anytime the step parent talked angrily or critically about their bio parent, it was seen as a personal attack because of the blood link. I must add here that the same feelings were felt when their own bio parent would comment on how, when the kid exhibited an unwanted behavior, it reminded them of the absent bio parent. None of us can alter the DNA which made us. Deep thought and collaboration were put into how we would proceed with addressing this, if at all.

Recently my wife’s ex asked if he could take our boy out of town for a day. This 'dad' has been involved as little as possible in our boys’ life. His presence is whimsical. This mostly absent parent lives off people’s kindness. He is always the victim. He is never accountable. He still tells the kids things like, “I miss when we were all together as a family.”

We agreed we’d let our boy go with his bio donor. My wife never told our youngest why she left him. She feared it would backfire. Kids sometimes rebel against the day in - day out parent, favoring some fantasy parent they never had nor ever will have when reality sets in. It’s easier for them to think the mostly absent donor (these are women, too) is a superhero. I disagreed with my wife's reasoning but admitted to seeing how there’s no right answer. It could go either way. This non-proactive handling came to a pinnacle.

While we were busy food shopping the ex came over to pick up. Although the boundary was made clear with the kids, we never stated it with him. In fact, dealing with him is so exhausting (see Narcissist Process below), my wife chose to interact minimally through text. He came in the house, staying to have lunch in our home and hang out for a while. Thank God for security cameras.

So now we had to confront our kids and the ex. I chose to take on the big bad parasite single-handed, man to man. Since we first started dating, my wife has done a great job learning how to more healthily deal with his behavior. She was not knowledgeable prior. Being a recovering addict, I spotted his selfish personality traits in how he kept using the kids as pawns in taking advantage of her, many years after the divorce. Under the guise of ‘wanting to see his kids’ he was able to continue sponging off her whenever playing the role of dad would benefit him . She is now a part of Al-Anon, which is helping her watch for enabling patterns. This particular situation, however, crossed into my jurisdiction.

The thing that amazed me the most is how many times I had to repeat myself to get him to acknowledge first of all that I was not going to give in, and second of all that he has no other choice. No weaseling out. Exhausting. Setting a boundary for a narcissist comes with an uncanny amount of resolve. I made it clear to him I will have him arrested if he ever steps foot in our home without my wife and I being present. I said some other things meant to demean him, his lack of character, and the toxic effect he has on my step kids. He acted innately oblivious. All I can do is protect my family.

When my wife started in with the boy, he cried out angrily, “Why do you guys hate my dad so much?” My wife recognized the opening into her sons heart. For years he believed his own illusions that his dad was this great guy without any second thought as to why he was rarely present. My wife, his Mom, informed him of the abuse, both physical and verbal, the lying, the lack of contributing financially to the family, and the repeated infidelity. Game changer, maybe.

Fortunately our other daughter, my bio kid, was away with her mostly absent donor mom. After about an hour long walk to calm us down, we called my wife's bio kids downstairs to have a talk together. I started out the conversation.

"Do you both think that when your dad comes to town, all our family house rules are no longer in effect?”

“No.”

“What happened then?”

O: I didn’t want to be rude to him.

P: So, you didn’t invite him in?

O: No.

P: But to clarify, you know that by not being rude to him, you’re being rude to us, the people who are here for you day and night? Why would you do such a thing?

Y: He’s our dad, what are we supposed to do?

P: That’s a really good question. I’m glad you asked. But let’s start with the term dad. Besides being your biological father, what makes him your dad? Don’t get me wrong, I know you’ll always call him dad. And we would never try to change that you call him that. Nor we would interfere when you want to be with him, but what is your definition of dad?

Both kids’ faces drop to the floor. The question always had an assumed answer. No one thought to ask it literally.

P: Besides two weeks ago, when is the last time you saw him?

O: Ugh, I dunno, maybe a few months.

P: Okay, what about before that?

O: I’m not sure.

P: It was over a year. So let me ask you a question. What kind of dad doesn’t see his kids for over a year? And what is so much more important than your kids that can’t come see them?

Y: That’s pretty lame.

P: When M’s mom disappeared with her, I vowed no matter what happened, I would never be apart from being in my daughter’s life. Nothing could stop me from being close to her. She is my kid. As it turned out I got custody, but that doesn’t explain why her mom has been mostly absent. When I married your Mom, I took a vow to always be in both of your lives, to honor and protect your hearts. I don’t know it exactly, but I know your pain because I’ve taken the brunt of how much it hurt M. Now I feel the same way about both of you. I love you; I would never want to be apart from you.

Something in their faces changes. This isn’t about feeling bad. Something softens. I’m trusting in the faith I have in God that, because J and I prayed for His guidance, what we are telling them will be felt in their hearts.

P: So lemme ask you guys a few things. How many times in the last ten years has your dad made you lunch? Dinner?

O: None?

Y: A few I think.

P: You could probably count it on one hand, right?

O & Y: Yeah (laughter)

P: How many times has your dad woke up to your blood sugar low at 3 a.m. when he had to go to work the next day, run downstairs to get you a juice box, sit with you for 10 minutes until you re-check, run downstairs again if you’re still low, this time bringing crackers or peanut butter, and again if you are still low?

Both: Never.

P: How many times has he put groceries, for you guys to eat, in our fridge?

P: How often has he ordered or paid for your diabetic supplies?

Insulin keeps our kids alive. The two look at each other. I’ve taken this to where I don’t need to go on making my point. He is a mostly absent parent. His mask is temporarily lifted away. I didn’t have to call him anything, just point out what he does and does not do. There were a few last things that needed to be confirmed.

P: Now there seems to be some uncertainty as to why your Mom left your dad in the first place. Jennifer, would you mind going over the reasons why you ended the marriage.

J: Well, let’s see, you guys’ dad lied to me, he was abusive, physically and mentally, and he cheated on me … multiple times.

I know in my head this is hard for her to admit to her children. She deals with the shame and guilt of being with a poor choice for so many years. As often as this comes up, it’s an opportunity for me to reassure her that she is human; I’ve made mistakes too (understatement!), those choices were in the past, that’s not who she is today. But most of all, he had a part in manipulating her beyond her ability to see it for what it truly was – she is not to blame for being deceived.

P: Who was one of the people he slept with?

J: What? Oh yeah, and he cheated on me with his cousin.

The kids shake their heads.

I let that sit with them for a minute. Meanwhile, I’ve got to check my motives here. This is their biological father. Should I be tearing down the dad statue erected in their hearts? Is that required of me? I have to look at this with Honesty.

Yes.

It is because of their hearts I am putting forth this effort. It is a line in the sand. This is what a dad is, and this is what a dad is not. Do not be duped or fooled, kids. By doing this I have turned my role into an unwritten contract between myself and these kids to always be a part of their lives. I can’t talk shit then leave, or else they will never trust. This is about their hearts – it must be done.

P: How would you guys feel about me if I treated your mom that way; if I did those things to her? Would you think I’m a great guy? Would you want me around?

Painfully, both kids shake their heads.

P: And what if M’s mom said things to her, like, “I miss when we were together as a family.” Can you see how that would pull on her heart?

O: Oh yeah. Her mom is kinda like an older teenager, like a friend not a parent. She just gives M what she wants.

P: Good observation. The difference in her mom and your dad is that she respects us, your parents. She asks first before she would ever come in our home. She doesn’t say things that pull on heart strings.

Y: What do you mean?

P: I mean your bio dad takes advantage of the soft spot you have for him in your heart. Saying, “Don’t you miss being family?” is trickery. What effort has he made to be family? He’s been around a few times in the last few months, but what happens when the next shiny piece of tail comes along? Who’s here to pick up the shattered pieces? It’s your Mom and I’s job to protect your hearts; to point out to you the things you can’t see yourself. What kind of person would take advantage of that? What you need to be able to decipher is the difference in action and intention. He speaks of all these great intentions. We all have things we’d like or love to do, but we put our true energy into those things. What I’m asking is that you look a little deeper, past your own infatuation with his words.

J: Yeah, honestly, I was not able to tell the difference until The Dad pointed it out to me. Do you guys see the difference?

The kids nod. They are teenagers. We can’t believe we’ve captured their attention this long! Held them hostage even! All we can hope for is that we’ve directed them to make their own choices, but wise choices if at all possible. It’s a pretty high expectation. Any one of our three kids could rebel against us at any time. That’s just a reality of step family upbringing. But to kick the can down the road by letting them believe in a false front, a disguise, is ultimately unforgivable.

I may be called out by experts on this as being an irrational formula for dealing with the situation. That’s fine. I accept that. But we have social media now. It’s hard to trust anymore what findings are done/made just because the backing for the scientist comes with a certain pre-arranged direction in mind. The same ‘experts’ who thing we need to put our kids on psychoactive drugs are all brought up. So, call me out. I’m living this, I know it.

First of all, learn to set boundaries. To minimize collateral damage to you and your spouse, some firmly placed no’s will benefit greatly.

Communicate the truth, dispelling any false hope the other parent is pulling heart strings by manipulating. Every situation is different, so please heed any advice by carefully applying it to your situation. This is rocket science, it is your child’s heart. I know I’ve read articles by psychologists stating the importance of not speaking poorly about the other parent. This is true, to a point. Humans deal better with facts, not fantasy, though. If a stranger were filling your child’s head with potentially harmful statements, you would know to guide them away from danger – this does not change because of biological ties!

Trust that the love you provide will still be felt, even if you have to explain by giving factual examples of what the role of parent entails. It’s not tooting your own horn!

As I connect more and more with parents in step/blended families, I hear such distressing horror stories. Such that it has to be restated again and again: A child’s heart is not a football or sponge or plaything; it’s not a weapon, nor is it one parents property. The parent that is in the trenches day in and day out to provide for the child its necessities of life (nurturing, connection, fun, financial, protection, stability, mental and emotional health), is rarely the one asking for a little gratitude. A little appreciation seems counterintuitive. It is the job we signed up for.

The parent who is not what I mentioned above is the Mostly Absent Procreator. One whom has, for the most part, gone on about their day to day living – inactive in regard to the growth of their offspring. Kids don’t care about money, or trips to Voodoo Donuts. Interaction and connection are irreplaceable.

We all need to stand up for kid rights. Just as in enabling a drug addict, enabling a M.A.P. has its consequences. It shows up in our children when they become adults. I found this meme that accurately identifies a problem parent.

THE NARCISSIST PROCESS:

That didn’t happen.

And if it did happen, it wasn’t that bad.

If it was that bad, it’s not my fault.

If it is my fault, I didn’t mean to do it.

And if I did mean to do, you deserved it. (or, you made me do it.)

Women and men are equal – yet different. Personality types don’t confine themselves to gender. We are equally responsible in the upbringing of the babies we make. If you have a parent that is confiscating your child, do not back down. That child needs you. Fight (legally, non-violently, maturely, respectfully, considerate of that child’s heart) with everything you have except for your ego. Show, by example, that your baby matters – not that getting what you want matters. One day that child will be an adult.

Gales Creek Camp

Sat, 29 Jun 2019 00:00:00 GMT

Jennifer and I met each other through our daughters. They attended camp the same week. Gales Creek is a week long summer camp for kids with Type 1. It was neither girl’s first year attending. The parents drop off the kids on Sunday after standing in line for an hour or two for registration. Then they are picked up the following Friday after check out and a little rewards ceremony.

After Lola’s second year there, she was getting to be that age where she could get phone numbers of friends so that I could arrange for a ‘play date,’ which was just a new term for parents getting kids together so that they could hang out. Lola was 10 at the time. That year she came home with phone numbers from three new kids that she would want to see sometime during the coming year. One of them was Zoe. The phone number didn’t seem right. It was an Oregon area code with the area code in nearby Washington. I thought it was just a kid that didn’t know any better and never called it.

The next year I picked up Lola per usual on Friday. At the awards ceremony, she and her new friend Zoe were called up at the same time. It struck me how they both looked and acted so much alike, like two peas in a pod as Laurel and Hardy used to say. I double checked with Zoe’s grandma so that I could get a correct phone number before leaving. With Lola’s birthday coming up, I called Zoe’s mom to invite them to the party.

Zoe’s mom accepted Lola’s invitation but was unable to attend herself. Her mom brought Zoe to the party. Her and talked, and I got a chance to know little tidbits about Jennifer. I remained very reserved about the idea of doing anything but being friends with Jennifer.

Diagnosis

Sat, 29 Jun 2019 00:00:00 GMT

One of many things Jennifer and I have in common is that all three of our kids (my one and her two) have Type One Diabetes. For such a devastatingly complex, baffling disease, we are grateful to have each other; this disease bringing us together.

Paul:

I’ll never forget the day M was diagnosed. The only thing I knew about Diabetes was that, #1, it didn’t run in my family. #2. It was something that, when kids got it they went blind and lost their legs, #3, it’s for people who don’t take care of their bodies.

The only one of those that is correct is the first one. Yes, many many years ago it was an illness that, without insulin, was deadly. But we had come a long way from when I was a kid. Still, to this day there is such a lack of information out there.

So when M had some unusual symptoms, I had no idea what was really happening to her.

The only thing I put together was that M was no longer sleeping through the night without having to get up and go to the bathroom. By the time she was getting up to go three times I knew I had to make an appointment with her pediatrician.

The other thing that didn’t add up was that she was constantly thirsty. She would drink large glasses of water and still be thirsty. Then having to go pee all the time. The not connected part to that was that her second grade teacher asked me to come to school to talk to her at the upcoming parent teacher conference.

“Is there any problems at home or any reason why M doesn’t get proper rest?”

“Why do you ask that?”

“M either nods off or falls completely asleep in class before lunchtime.”

“Well that’s weird. She sleeps about ten or more hours at night. There are no problems, really, other than her mom being absent in life. I’ve been raising her on my own since she was four.”

“Well, maybe you could check on her and make sure she is actually sleeping through the night.”

“Sure!”

I did. And that was when it was apparent that she had to constantly use the bathroom. I made an appointment. The reason I gave was that I thought maybe she was experiencing a bladder or some kind of kidney infection. Up until that point M had been a very normal healthy kid. Fortunately, her doctor had an opening the very next day.

I brought her in after school. It was April Fools Day. We showed up in our usual bonded jovial mood. The nurse asked if M could pee in a cup. I thought she knew how to do this. She took a long time in the bathroom. Sadly, M was confused. I don’t know why I thought she knew what to do. Sometimes, when it comes to raising kids, they seem so grown up. Being that her current age was the most grown up she had been up to that point, I assumed she knew. I was always with her. I guess I should have known that, if I had not been around her when she had to give a urine sample, she had not yet given a urine sample.

She took a long time because she could not pee. When she finally did, she did not go in the bottle. She handed the nurse an empty sample. They gave her more than a few juice boxes to get her to pee. When she finally did, they checked it and it said her blood sugar was really super high. I responded by saying, “Of course it is, you just gave a bunch of sugary juice, it would spike anybody’s blood sugar. What’s your point?”

The had also done an A1C test on her. That is more of a long term blood sugar test. It was also quite high, denoting for sure that she had T1d. The pediatrician we had been going to for years was seriously dead on with me.

“Paul, this is serious. She has diabetes. You have to take her right now to the hospital. They will admit you there. You can walk over there from my office. I’m sorry.”

M and I walked together the quarter mile or so down a driveway sidewalk. We stopped on a park bench. I was holding back tears. I heard at some point in life that the worst thing you can do to someone diagnosed with a life threatening illness is to show them how sad you are. Made sense. I needed to be my little girl’s rock as I have always been.

I was speechless. We talked small talk about it.

“Does this mean I’m going to have this for life, daddy?”

“Yes, honey, it does.”

“Oh, okay.”

She approached it with so much more optimism and resilience than I was. We got up from the bench to continue toward the hospital we would be staying the night. I was numb. I was cutoff from reality. As we took the first steps from the bench, a few elderly people got out of the mini senior citizens bus that stopped at the hospital. The person driving them got out. I sensed him staring at me so I looked up, away from my gaze at the ground held tight by my fear and depression.

It was Grant. Grant was a man I knew from my program. He could plainly see the horrified look I had on my face. There were no words to come to my aid. Somehow, I believe he knew that. He walked right toward me, gave me a long firm hug, and got back on his bus and drove away.

Somehow, in that interaction, I knew God was present. There is no other way to explain the coincidence of someone from my recovery being there.

Fam Five

Sat, 29 Jun 2019 00:00:00 GMT

Jennifer and I decided we would call our little unit the Fam Five. We decided this before we were actually married. We had been seeing each other so often that you might as well have already been calling us family. Each weekend we were together.

The hardest part was for the girls. They had to share a room, either at Jennifer’s house or mine. We chose not to stay the night with each other until it was announced that we were engaged. Otherwise, I slept on the couch. I know that it appears that we’re all about appearances, but still, having three kids to raise, it is important to us that our kids understand the concepts of respect, and patience, and love. We’re hoping that it mattered. For Jennifer and I, the best raising of our children and the seriousness of exposing them to a stable, consistent mate wasn’t something we took casually.

We made sure to compliment and praise the girls for sacrificing their space every weekend. In fact, even though neither Jennifer nor I were in the habit of giving that kind of praise, we made sure to be thankful to our kids for their participation in one of the hugest changes they would have to adapt to prior to adulthood.

Things did come up as we grew closer, it was not all a picnic. Nor was it going out to eat all the time. The girls were now becoming teenagers. This was the challenging transitional period for any parent, let alone two ‘step’ parents from broken marriages and long term single parenting.

In my distant past, I had lived with a girlfriend and her daughter for a few years. You could say I had some experience in dealing with a teenager. It was sheer hell. I was the absolute enemy, even though I really wasn’t. I was made to feel that way. We could sit in the same room for hours and not say a word to each other. I was still very immature, so that didn’t help the situation. Then I read a book or two about step parenting. This helped immensely because I was taking personal every snide comment and negative reaction. It was, on a positive note, my first interaction with:

TEEN BRAIN

Yes, the dreaded teen brain. A true and actual and fearsome phenomena.

Things That Come Up

Sat, 29 Jun 2019 00:00:00 GMT

We are not perfect parents. We were not when we were single, nor are we now that we have each other. But we benefit a great deal from each other’s experiences even though we have so much in common. And, probably like two biological parents, we don’t see eye to all all the time; both of us have different ways of dealing with it all.

Our daughter has four F’s on her report card at school. This is completely unacceptable. This is so completely below her abilities.

Upon talking with other parents, the general consensus is that we need to take away her electronics. The follow up consensus is that this won’t make a difference. I am beside myself. I don’t know what to do. We talked. I approached it with love and compassion. I assured her that she could overcome this step by step. I also cautioned that she will likely be a senior two years in a row. I want to scare her into action. She probably knows this. She gives up on herself way too easily.

In the past she has had bad grades that she turned around. This past year, her sophomore year, she brought herself out of failing, but not by much. I don’t feel like I did everything I could to get her best out of her. Maybe every parent feels this way. I now see that I’m not that much different from my father and mother, even though I spoke so poorly of their parenting for so many years. Lola doesn’t seem to care either way. I was that way with life, especially after I didn’t get what I wanted when I wanted it … but I was never that way about school.

Hmmm.

Teen Years: Welcome to Hell

Sat, 29 Jun 2019 00:00:00 GMT

I don’t know if this is worse when you’ve mostly raised a kid or kids on your own but what the hell happens to them during the teen years is sheer hell. I start off with that because, my assumption is that it’s easier if you’ve been married and you have an intact family for multiple reasons:

You can’t say, “my child is turning out bad because of the parent that is absent from their lives and the negative effects that continues to have on their psyche
You could say, “it’s all my spouses fault, s/he is the reason our kid is turning out bad
You can say, “well, we stayed married and provided the best intact, legit, family unit a could could have- there must truly be something wrong with our kid.

I don’t know, can anyone think of other reasons. I don’t want to slight the Moms and Dads who have stayed together, I respect that very much, and I’m 100% certain these teens are as hard on you as us single or blended family welcome mat’s er, parents.

Good lord.

I’m beginning to see why most bloggers and parental help book and screen writers have a sense of humor. It’s almost like their go-to to survive. I know I used to laugh at them because what they made jokes about didn’t seem possible. But now I laugh with them. Laughter is the best medicine. And, as a recovering addict/alcoholic, I’m in need of lots and lots of medicine. Laughter is a phenomenal escape.

What did I hear? Tragedy plus time = comedy

Then there’s always:

What I did to my parents. Yep. What sweet hell did I put them through? I didn’t think I made it that bad on them. They made it much harder on me. I was totally easy going and didn’t stress them out one single bit. Of course, we are not going to solve anything through denial of the truth, so let’s get to it.

I was good in school. I loved school. I had good grades and took all college prep courses. Jennifer was not very good in school early on. Then, as she entered her junior year and failed a geometry class, she learned on her own that she could not take that second geometry class unless she took the first one over. It dawned on her that to move forward in real life you had to complete what is in front of you.

Our daughter is looking at four F’s and 1 D right now. I don’t know how bad of a parent I must be to have coerced her life into being so pitiful that she absolutely lost interest in school and is now about to fail. What did I do wrong?

Notice what happened there, though? It is my fault. It is what I did wrong. It has nothing to do with Jennifer even though she has fully taken on the Mothering role that her biological mom has not been present in for two years.

We talked about this and the question begs to be answered:

What effect do we as parents have on our kids once they become teenagers?

You see, part of this question is why I think this has so much to do with me. I’ve raised her on my own my since she was four. The formative years prior to that, I was immersed in my addiction. My life was discombobulated. I’ll go into that plenty in the section RECOVERY.

How much effect did that have on her, though? What, if anything can I do about it today?

Those wonderful, expressive, loving babies are gone. I think the movie “Invasion Of The Body Snatchers” is code for TEEN BRAIN - be afraid!

Teen Issues

Sat, 29 Jun 2019 00:00:00 GMT

 "We can’t give up on them, even though it feels like they are utterly repulsed by any interaction we have with them."

I think I’ve had it. This is just too hard to deal with. I want to walk away and just live the life I was meant to live, for me. I’ve sacrificed everything I’ve known of the life I had before she was born, all for her well being. I’ve never been so despised by anyone, including people I’ve been a total piece of shit dirtbag to. I would not have dreamt of having kids had I known the level of disrespect, ignorance, inconsiderateness, and blatant disregard, let alone given up addiction. I think if kids weren’t so damn adorable and cute and awestruck toward their parents, no one would have kids anymore.

The hardest part is the pretty damn believable act that she puts on that nothing I say or do will affect her in any way. That she simply does not care at all. This is the hardest to deal with. I’ve dealt with her doing cutting, with her looking up all the worst possible crap on the internet, sending provocative images to boys, now this. I just don’t see the point of continuing on being abused by the person I love more than anyone in my entire life.

Now that seems kinda harsh. Abandonment truly isn’t an option. I despise her mom for having the nice out that she gets to ‘enjoy.’ That may not be the case, exactly, but she sees her about three times a month. Then the rest of every single day goes to doing whatever it is that she does. That, in itself, is so unfair when you factor in every last bit of repulsion, denial of accountability, and self destructive behavior happens under my watch. And now it happens all the time.

It’s gotta stop.

I, probably like most parents, really thought I’d find a way to not have to go through any of this crap that I go through. There is no end in sight. And yes, maybe it sucks that I can easily recall the days when being completely self centered was my way of life, maybe it doesn’t. It messes with me, that is for sure. Regardless, I don’t deserve this foul retribution for being a good guy. The real pieces of crap out there should have to deal with this mentality.

So, we found out through the other kids that some guy has been coming over to our home. Some teenager crap is to be expected, am I right? But having sex in the house when a brother and sister are home is really pushing it just to get what you want. I understand this. I was sixteen once, and I was sexually active with a girl my age. Important to note here that she was my age. After school was a grand ol’ time. There is parental leave for parents when they have newborn, fuck that, it should be when your kids are teens that you have to stay home and take care of them; make sure they are not having sex, or worse, allowing boys to be in your home when you are at work.

I’m getting the impression that we can’t give up on them, even though it feels like they are utterly repulsed by any interaction we have with them. I’m thinking about how I could, in effect, force my kid to participate in drama in some form. I’m picturing myself as the helicopter parent just really, honestly not giving her the opportunity to be trolled by a bunch of social media predators; to give in to her weakness and desires to be consumed by the little screen.

It completely baffles me that I am pushed away the way I am. I mean, I’m human, if you don’t want me to be around, my ass is outta here. I feel that way even it’s my kid or step kids. Don’t have to tell me twice. I’m not talking about in terms of discipline or teaching, I’m talking in terms of relating to them at some level that they enjoy and I can impart knowledge and experience.

When I think of my upbringing, I would’ve totally loved to have my dad around had he been less critical and more supportive. I don’t know if I ever said something to my kid about how she could be better at her acting. She always got stuck in these non verbal roles, so I’m sure I asked her to enunciate more. Then she did have a verbal role. I thought she did great. Maybe it’s not me at all. Maybe it is the lure of the attention a cute girl can get on social media. She was influenced at a young age to show off her body for some asshole behind a screen. I wish I would’ve never allowed her to be on a phone that she can be a part of these things on.

This is such a real struggle for parents. We don’t really interact that much with other parents, but we see enough to know that we wish we would’ve found better ways to control without being controlling. You know, this is all so very new to all of society. As a society we are only starting the second decade of the smart phone. It has exploded. My personal concern was that, we saw the change coming as far as digital and internet becoming a way of life. I sure as hell didn’t want my kid to be a dinosaur amongst the peer group. I’m rethinking that today. Had I known it would lead to these problems for her, I wouldn’t have allowed the door to be open. Once it is open, of course, we see inside.

Jennifer and I have gone to the police. We have turned in her phone in hopes of catching this guy that she thinks she is in love with. She is one of many to him, I’m sure. Not that she isn’t super special. I know how guys like that think. I doesn’t matter how good he has has it, no matter what, his girl could be great. But, if someone comes along that looks or acts more appealing, he’s on to that next. There are women like that too. The grass is always greener.

This guy didn’t respect my kid enough to meet her parents, that is the first sign. Any asshole who thinks he can go in someone’s house when no one is there, even at the beckoning of a hormone crazed young girl, is not a person that will have links to my family. I’ve done what I think I can do.

When the police let us know what is going on inside her life, that we would never be shared with, then it will become decision time. It’s time to show these kids what our values are. Jennifer and I feel like we’re living this life of being scrutinized by a society with no values. I’m not even talking morals. We are not saints by any means. We simply were something like these kids. Over time, we each in our own way realized that this is a life of pain and suffering that doesn’t have to be. It’s kind of like living and dying by the sword. The sword today is social media. Its very existence has changed the interaction of humans. Our value systems may at some point step up to match and change how it all works. For now, however, it is a predators paradise. It is way for thieves to take the innocence of our children - to program them to be sexually active, and take money from our hard work so that they don’t have to do anything.

Living off of others.

Even in the worst years of my addiction, I didn’t live off of anyone, other than collecting food stamps for a spell. A few months I think it was. The world is skewed poorly in too many ways to count. I fought against it and lost. Then I began to see that my observation was skewed. There is beauty and good all around us. We see what we want to see. As a believer, I will say that God is always doing amazing work. I spent a good chunk of my life being as far away from that as one could get. I isolated and feared my own shadow, while being a dad. I grew up and out of that slumber. My ex-wife still lives according to those rules. It is enslavement. Socializing without being with people in person is no different. It’s addictive, while being isolating. Win, win for the companies that serve the goods.

I suppose I’m just not being very accepting of the fact that I worked this hard, not only to be an adult who cares for the well being of his own child, that she would engage in behaviors that undermine all that I work for. That’s the hardest pill to swallow. I honestly don’t want to accept this truth. She will be working against me for some time, as will the other kids be working against us. It is a perspective. It is a way of seeing things.

Currently, I’ll send them all away if I could know it would make them better people. Maybe a parent today doesn’t stand a chance. If we know, as parents, that if we want to provide a better financial situation for our kids we will have to be away from them all day long, well, that’s kind of fucked. It takes two people now to provide that sort of income, unless one is exceptionally blessed with a good paying job or if they are privileged.

I know that life isn’t about material objects. I also know that comfort can be bought. Somewhere in between all this is a happy zone. Somewhere is the key to building their lives without having to take away the survival needs. It’s tricky. I will say I have been blessed with an opportunity to stay home with the kids for a while. Now each day I leave the house it tears at my heart. I can’t wait to put in my notice and begin living the life I was meant to live. Jennifer and I can’t wait to be the living example of taking care of our family the way God wanted us to. Maybe it’s the worst time to be around the kids. Too fucken bad. This is what we each wanted for them all along. Now, with not being able to be around them, they’ve all slipped and fallen prey to this lazy ass ritual of screen time only. I will make friction with my presence. This is good.

CONCLUSION

What conclusion is there? As parents, you’re scared shitless day by day as to how your children will turn out. Because they are not children anymore. But they are not adults either. They are not ready to go out into the world. They will fuck up really, really bad if they do. The world will force them to grow up, is that what they really want?

Jennifer is reading a book that is helping us understand. We really need help understanding. Nobody goes through the exact thing as us, or do they?

Five Things to Get Through the Insanity of Raising Teens

Sat, 29 Jun 2019 00:00:00 GMT

GO FOR LONG WALKS

It’s been proven that exercise releases endorphins, which in turn help our brain go to a healthy place to deal with life issues. And walking gives us a wondrous time out. Trust me, we need it, and you will likely need it as well. Also we can be together and united in how we address everything. As parents, we really need to be equal partners, and while that’s going to tried and tested by the teen brain; as well as the cause of many arguments. This is no time to give up, doubt each other, or criticize one another directly or indirectly. This is the time to reach deep inside yourself individually and look for your partners strength.

TALK TO EACH OTHER BEFORE RESPONDING/REACTING

Communication is everything in a relationship, right? Well if you’ve been together since before kids, hopefully your foundation is strong - you’ll need it to be by the time you get to the teen years. As a blended family, there’s a myriad of hidden gremlins waiting to divide all of you: Ex-husbands, ex-wives, family members opinions, how you dealt with things as a single parent. These crop up at the worst possible moment most of the time. The time you spend ensuring that your spouse inherently knows the two of you will take action together will save problems later.

PRAY

No matter what you believe, take time to pray for, and be open to HELP! What we also believe is that you let yourself be aware enough to notice when and how your prayers are answered. You will find that they are, just not always in ways that we understand.

MAKE FAMILY TIME TOGETHER A ROUTING

For the teen brain, this is like getting teeth pulled. Too bad! And yes, it can be hell on us parents also. They just seem to really want nothing to do with us, especially now that they have tiny devices they can sit with in their bed, when they are getting dressed, when they are eating, when they are going to the bathroom … you get the idea. They are glued to these damn things. I’ll say we are the first generation of parents that have had to deal with this to this degree. It is not good, it is not easy. But, we don’t want them to be ‘behind’ they other kids in this technocracy, right? One great way to make sure to have time together is to eat together. It’s probably not the best time to address hard issues, those are best one on one anyway, or to call a family meeting. Otherwise, make it be as open and fun and loving as humanly possible. No matter what, it’s time together.

CONNECT WITH OTHER PARENTS

Any chance you can, discuss what you are going through with co-workers, people in fellowship, etc. You’ll likely be surprised at how many others are going through what you are, and they may just have useful suggestions, and humorous outcomes to share.

Is There A Program Out There For Me?

Sat, 29 Jun 2019 00:00:00 GMT

Recovery is possible, even for those who are easily overwhelmed or sidetracked.

FIVE baby steps to help you.

Is there any way I can know ahead of time which type of program will work for me?

This is a reasonable question. But, honestly, there's no way to foresee the future on this one. The only way to find out is to have the courage to try. And, to give yourself a break. Recovery is not changing just a few things, it is changing everything. That sounds like too tall an order, doesn't it? So what do you do? How do you navigate between too much overwhelming input and sitting idle? Might I suggest taking a baby step? I can't speak for all programs. Even if you have trouble setting boundaries, it's pretty easy to take part in a meeting or gathering of some sort without feeling you are obligated to ever going back.

When you do take that first step, try not to be overly judgmental, critical, or pleasing of others. Let yourself examine from the inside out. Did something someone say really speak to you? Did it feel like a cult or brainwashing? Did you feel in your gut that you belong there? Oddly, the latter is probably the one you might want to give a second chance to.

The key is to give it a chance. I don't know of anyone who got and stayed clean/sober completely on their own. We are talking about a cunning, baffling disease here. Whether or not you truly believe you have this affliction or not, you owe it to yourself to arm your spirit with the tools to identify your personal truth, bottom line.

FIVE BABY STEPS WHICH WILL HELP YOU:

1) If you suspect you have a problem, what can it hurt to find out for certain? Intuitive nagging either comes from within us when we do foolish or harmful things (like miss work because of hangovers, or buy drugs instead of paying bills), or comes from someone who cares about you. As a person who has stared at this first baby step multiple times, trust me, you will hear opposition with damn good sounding excuses not to put this one foot in front of the other. At this point, you will either take the step, or stay put until it gets worse.

2) Look, listen, ask around. Curiosity does not equal obligation. Any program demanding your attendance is either a cult, a scam, or ... too late ... a mandated justice system hoop you have to be a part of because you've crossed a line legally. At this point, you may be telling yourself you've fucked up, so what does it matter? It matters because life moves forward, not backward. It is never too late to take baby step one.

3) Show up. There is no part you have to dress for or words you have to commit to when seeking a program to help you recover. You don't have to stay. You do, however, have to show up. You have to show up because you have to see for yourself what the people of the program have to offer. This is the only way you can truly evaluate whether or not the program they are working actually works. Keep in mind no one in any program is perfect.

4) Try one, or two. Some programs suggest six meetings. Some say 90 in 90 days. Some say to give yourself a year. What do you think? I would give the program you choose at least a month.

5) Don't give up on yourself too soon. The term 'growing pains' fits here. If doing what is suggested makes you uncomfortable, but you find the suggestions to be beneficial in ways you either never thought to try or never allowed yourself to try, then this might help you decide if you should stick around a little longer. Even a cliche' term like One Day At A Time can apply here. You probably didn't look at your addiction after your first or second time using as something you would do the rest of your life -- but lo and behold, this is the predicament you're in. Same is true with recovery. There is not one person, no matter how much clean time, can say for sure that they will be sober for the rest of their life. It's unrealistic, and frankly, it's too much pressure. Stick around, unless you find something healthier.

Five Thoughts On Single Parenting

Sat, 29 Jun 2019 00:00:00 GMT

 "Let's not put our kids in the middle of the problems they did not create."

Breathe For The Sake Of The Kids

Both Jennifer and I raised our kids on our own for nearly 10 years each. We have plenty of input when it comes to single parenting. As mentioned in my book, most people don't get married with the intention of getting divorce. But, for more than half of us who tie the knot with the best of intentions, it happens. As adults, we live through it. For our children, it's a much different cause and effect. I would feel like a master of humanity if I had a few choice sentences to present all of you that would work in every situation and ease the tear it leaves in little hearts.

But I don't.

We do have a few things to share though. Based on experience, here's a few tidbits to bear in mind at all times.

1) Place your kid(s) hearts above everything else, including your own. This is easier written than done. So many situations can occur that leave us speechless, hopeless, powerless, and/or mindless.

2) Whatever the other parent says or does that interferes or goes against your rules, or values, or plans, remember that it is between you and the person you made that baby with. Your baby is innocent. But that won't stop him/her from blaming him/herself for flare ups that occur with the parents.

3) Try to put yourself in your child's shoes. Our kids' hearts get torn to shreds when we fight, argue, disagree, acquiesce, control, bully, or give in like a doormat to our kids other parent.

4) The baby that you made together is not a piece of property. Time and again, I have seen parents lose sight of this fact. Your baby is not a bartering tool, or a violin bow to play on heart strings.

5) The other parent has a right to be in their child's life. Now, there are exceptions to this. Neglect, or worse inappropriate behavior is off the table, and help from authorities is best when dealing with those. It is also important to note that people change. I did. What I'm asking mostly is that, if your kids' other parent is making an effort, this is not the time to rub past crap in their face. Allow them to grow. It's not up to us to play God and be their judge. The child will eventually do that. This truth either will or will not matter to the other parent, not us. As they say in Al-Anon, "Didn't cause it. Can't change it. Can't control it." That's a great attitude to have toward the behavior of our children's parent.

None of these are outside the need to be mentioned. Very few relationships end amicably. Let's not put our kids in the middle of the problems they did not create. Let's not allow them to be collateral damage either. We can do better, and we have to go into every interaction we have with the other parent as such.

What Is The Best Way To Manage T1D?

Sat, 29 Jun 2019 00:00:00 GMT

Our kids need us, but you cannot aid one who is thirsty with an empty pitcher

You will get two completely different answers from Jennifer and I! How can that be? Because there are more than a few schools of thought when it comes to managing blood sugars. Partially, this is based on Technology. Partially, this is based on science and biology. And partially this is based on comfort levels. While the possibility of blending the schools of thought is possible, I have yet to see a fool-proof, sure-fire way of handling the constant moving target known as the healthy blood sugar range. Bear in mind also that this target range changes, also through the years the metabolism changes, AND, as the teen years approach, their level of interest in their own blood sugars wanes like crazy.

One tip that will always be useful: IT'S JUST A NUMBER!

As parents, how we guide and direct them is super important, right? But if I have a set way of doing things, and Jennifer has a set way of doing things, and the kids have a set way of doing things ...

Examples:

Jennifer takes a control-centered parenting approach. From the beginning (her two kids were diagnosed as infants), she has been the poster child for religiously checking blood, counting carbs, and making pinpoint adjustments. Per doctors orders, which she followed to a T, she would make every possible arrangement necessary to get the blood sugars in the normal range. The importance of this, we are told, is because physical problems will occur later in life if we don't make every effort to get those numbers in range. Something like the way alcohol over many many years destroys the liver, kidneys, and rots the brain, diabetes attacks the muscle groups, especially the extremities. When I was a kid, I remember the March Of Dimes ads for Diabetes, typically showing a kid in a wheel chair, sometimes blind.

I started off following the same approach. My daughter was diagnosed in second grade. My parenting experience was radically altered by the diagnosis. I, too, followed doctors orders of multiple blood checks, counting carbs, being a helicopter parent when parties and activities included snacks and sodas and donuts and sugar. Both Jennifer and I have been raising our bio kids as single parents for nearly 10 years. Getting up in the middle of the night and having to work and find compliant day care was more than a challenge. By sharing our stories, it was confirmed that many years were just a blur due to sleep deprivation and shot nerves.

When Jennifer and I began discussing care for our children's disease, we discovered a few things we did not have in common. This came up the first time we stayed the night together. She got up to do her typical 2 a.m. check of the kids' blood sugars. This was before CGM's were a reliable source of info. I asked her why she was worried about it. This opened the discussion. Neither of us is wrong, just different point's of view.

"Don't worry about it, honey. Stay in bed."

"What if one of them is low."

"What were they at bedtime?"

"164, 190, and 176."

"Did they have a snack before bed?"

"Yes."

"Then they should be fine."

"I just need to check."

"Okay. I'll help, but I don't agree."

Now, before any of you people who manage like Jennifer come off the rails, hear me out. I am the type to do research based on emotion, feeling, and memory of what I have tried, failed, succeeded at, and discontinued. I don't go by lists, or numbers, or proper data analysis. Yet, I come up with a perspective that is nearly as effective. Blood sugars go all over the place all the time. Perhaps by adulthood things taper off, but for the sake of this post, we are talking with kids ... ESPECIALLY TEENS! In my opinion, there is no controlling or completely managing the effects of diet, emotion, puberty, exercise, or anything else that works its way into the non-functioning pancreas and liver. What I found was that my daughters' numbers were about the same when I completely devoted my life to taking note after note on them as they were when I generalized care. This confounded disease is going to do what it wants. I began to generalize carb counts, generalize units, ratios and corrections. Maybe the truth is that I was burned out. But her A1c went down!! And I got the sleep I needed to be a functioning parent and employee (since I needed my job to afford the insulin).

I'm not suggesting backing off the care, I'm suggesting that you include yourself, as the care provider, in your care. Jennifer is an extremely strong woman with a super high tolerance and undisclosed breaking point. Most people are not superhuman like her. I believe women are biologically better suited for long term strenuous behavior, but it still does not make sense to me that any of us should be martyrs.

Now, I was given a major wake-up call when my daughter had a seizure at around 9:30 in the morning. We had no way to prove it was from the diabetes, but we all know that it was. I blamed myself, for getting out of the habit of doing those late night blood checks. I resumed that cautious behavior. Then she had another seizure a little earlier in the morning. Her blood sugar was fine at 2 a.m. though!! I concluded that the disease manages me, not the other way around; that I have to preserve my sanity to be a better caregiver and parent. And, to make our lives richer by making the most of our moments together having fun, not diagnosing and checking and adding and subtracting and carrying the one and ... you get it now, right?

The great exceptions to this piece today is the technology. With CGM's and Pumps, we are living a life of luxury compared to just five years ago. My daughter snubs her nose at the new technology. She prefers the pens and, when she does choose to go with the sensor, she is not very consistent with making sure it's calibrated (isn't she just like her daddy?). Jennifer gets a reprieve in knowing that our other two kids are wired up and prefer the technology. She takes time every week to go over the data and makes changes. Our boy, now 13, is coming into puberty and this is all making no sense all over again.

These are just the remedies that we are familiar with. We have not tried the artificial pancreas yet. Of course we are hoping the cure is coming, either through technology or stem cells, or some other form. If you are a new parent to a child who has been diagnosed, I hope this is useful. You have a very hard road ahead. The support out there is unbelievably amazing. Please reach out and take advantage of what is offered, especially camps and things that will give you a safety break. You will need it.

Why "I Am My Kids Dad?"

Sat, 29 Jun 2019 00:00:00 GMT

The reason behind the name

Even the most hopeless, desolate person, brought to their knees in desperation, should not be denied a probationary period when they show signs of turning their lives around for their kids.

As an addendum to the ABOUT page, I felt a really strong urge to explain why I chose to name the website/blog I Am My Kids Dad. Of course most entrepreneurs spend a great deal of time making sure their brand, their company name, the logo they will entice consumers with is spot on with their product, or message. I am no different. The message I wish to impart upon the world wide web is three fold:

1) Dad's are an equal 50% in the equation of making, raising, nurturing, and supporting every child on this Earth. We all know the exceptions, (untimely death, test tube pregnancy, absent abandoners (Mostly Absent Parents), or the lowest - absent players who refute responsibility {also known as sperm donors}) Ask any kid once they become an adult how much his/her mind is occupied by the lost parent. If they have a missing/absent parent, there is a part of them that is missing as well. All the love and great parenting and therapy and step and foster and surrogate parenting won't change that.

2) Dad's and Mom's that have substance abuse challenges should not be shut out of their chance to be in the life of that kid. Again, many many exceptions to this one, including anything which compromises the safety of the child. There does need to be firm boundaries when it comes to safety and security. Best judgement on the part of the custodial parent as to whether or not phone contact causes more pain than prevents should be given purely with the best interest of the child. Vindictive or retaliatory behavior creates long-term complications.

3) Hope. The day my daughters mom ran off with our daughter while I was at work was perhaps the most hopeless moment of my life. I was strung out on drugs, explosively unpredictable, and not fit to parent. She did me a favor. But, I had to see it that way to heal myself before I was even close to being a candidate to return to the situation to ask for the reinstatement of my parent card. By all societal screenings, it should have been thrown away for good. But I changed. While it is true that not everyone makes lemonade out of lemons, some people can. If I can, anyone else can, too. The important concept to note here is that even the most hopeless, desolate person, brought to their knees in desperation, should not be denied a probationary period when they show signs of turning their lives around for their kids.

The last reason we created this site was for there to be a safe harbor for men to voice the ongoing negative banter that is pervasive across social media. If I spent one afternoon trolling the likes of Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, or online news outlets, I would find enough slagging criticism of men to create a whole new website. It is disastrous. This attitude is harmful to men, even good men in committed relationships. And it is disrespectful to women. I'd like to suggest that it is criminally negligent toward the innocent victims: boys growing up into a world where they see themselves as a stupid, shameful, ignorant, and not accepted unless they are feminine, metro-sexual or homosexual. If you ended up here because you feel the same, please please please fight for the future of the mankind part of humankind. I add conflicting responses all the time. Not to be misogynistic, or even antagonistic. I intend to defend equality as I have my entire life. Today it is for the sake of males. Sadly as a male it puts me in a precarious position. More females need to help us just as men like me helped enforce the need for equal rights for my sisters.